Friday, 30 October 2009

Look Ma—No Pants!

A great well-dressed nation always falls with its naked press.

Whatever one's hobby, keeping tabs on foreign journalists fooling themselves is a new full-time profession. How can a man read Dickens and Shakespeare—leave aside write memorable words—when foolish journalists rush in where angels fear to tread?

The angels record every move one makes. One wonders why journalists go further to cover the details of useless wars. Why cannot one wait until Judgment Day when trials will be open to public, and far more entertaining than the shows put up by O.J. Simpson and Bill Clinton?

Christina Lamb wrote a book titled Waiting for Allah; her next one will be appropriately called Look Ma, No Pants! This following story owes its success to her failure.

Miss Lamb—you guessed it brothers and sisters—came on a special mission, carrying The Sunday Times identification card hanging low over the bosom. Her Majesty the Queen sent her to pave the way for Tony Blair's rescue mission to Pakistan if she got caught. Recall how Tony dashed to meet un-elected President Musharraf and secure the release of Yvonne Ridley recently. Some girls have all the luck.

Christina—I have the poetic licence of using her first name only—bought a ticket from Quetta to Islamabad. That was no ordinary ticket; it was a PIA ticket. Any expatriate who frequents between the current country of residence and the beloved Motherland knows what a ticket to heaven that is.

The alert travel agent immediately informed the authorities about the novel request for a ticket in the name of a most wanted man. That name belonged to every Easterner's hero, every Westerners anti-Christ, the one and only, alone but not lonely, veiled in the right corner, weighing a full hundred and seventy-six pounds, scratching his-never mind, the mighty challenger, an emerging force to be reckoned with, one more round of applause ladies and gentlemen: OSAMA BIN LADEN.
Agreed, that any user of a public domain name like Osama Bin Laden is neither a 'trademark' thief nor a 'patent' pickpocket, but in all fairness, the man deserves royalty cheques in Saudi Riyals. If there is anyone who is being maligned, it is Osama. The West, when its software is pirated, comes after the Third World with the might of Goliath, and when it uses Osama's fame and name for blatant merchandising, there is no court of law that will condemn the act or pay punitive damages to the plaintiff.

People wish to name sons and daughters, after the most wanted man, and manufacturers cannot keep up with the brisk demand for Osama masks and posters. Bush is instantly forgettable: Osama is unforgettable. What does that indicate if not that the enemy of the most powerful nation on earth is in great public demand, all without the help of advertising gurus of New York's Madison Avenue?

One can only speculate over the manner in which Christina might have pressed against the government officials. They refused to press charges, declined to lambaste Miss Lamb for misusing Osama's identity, and merely prevented her from travelling to our Holy Capital: Islamabad.

The bureaucracy promptly issued her a one-way ticket to London town. After crying a bucketful at Buckingham Palace, she returned to Quetta in a vengeful mood, remained unrepentant, and claimed that the story in circulation was fabricated.

In order to fully benefit from the advantage of male company, and to make the American 'one-bomb-one biscuit' strategy appear photogenic to the West, she again brought along her trusted photographer, Justin.

One fine morning in November, after a sumptuous breakfast at Serena Lodge, they drove out to Chaman, a border-post beyond Quetta.

She broke the law that allowed journalists to travel to Chaman only under the protection of the security agencies. Nobody was permitted to loiter or mix with the masses unless being lynched, or turned into a local delicacy called Sajji, was on the itinerary.

Once there, she picked up breaking news by climbing atop a check-post, looking through the zoom lens, and sniffing in the general direction of Afghanistan. But these days, picking up deadly sexually transmitted diseases is easy; obtaining verifiable facts through an iron curtain stitched by the Taliban is impossible.

Then suddenly, someone suspected the couple of photographing Pakistani officials using X-ray film. The X-Ray sunglasses and camera were impounded immediately. Both the toys enabled one to see the big boys on 'as is, where is' basis—an uncomfortable thing for men who pulled each other's pants down or socks up while vying for endless promotions at various ministries and NGOs.

Once again Christina and Justin were swept off their intruding feet. The police happily watched over them at Serena Lodge. From there they were finally moved to a Government Rest House. After a nice siesta, and having brushed their teeth with electric toothbrushes, they were parcelled to Islamabad.

The real reason they were unceremoniously thrown out-and not officially flown out-was that Christina criticised Quetta for not having a single half-decent fish and chips restaurant. This unreasonable demand has remained a perennial British problem since colonial times. Everyone knows that the only waterhole at Quetta is a salty wasteland called Hanna Lake; a symbol of smuggling-fishy business-not fish.

Once Christina reached the capital, not a single room was available at any hotel in the twin cities of Rawalpindi-Islamabad; all rooms belonged to the queen of CNN: Christiane Amanpour. And she could not be reached. Her whereabouts were only known to top bureaucrats-let us not call them top dogs-who understood only the first rule of internal security: sleep in a different bed each night.

Osama makes similar moves but he remains untraceable to this day. The secret: he never leaves any telltale marks on the sheets despite having many wives. For this he deserves full marks and a star.

Before we proceed further, stop to note the remarkably similar sounding first names of Kerstin Beck (read the previous article, Right Burqa, Wrong Lips), Christina Lamb, and Christiane Amanpour. Jesus Christ! Bush was right; it really is a crusade.

Lack of decent accommodation at the capital is not a problem if one considers the Federal definition of tourism: the right of a ruler to remain on endless foreign tours at the taxpayer's expense. If rooms are unavailable at local five-star hotels, one can always stay with a three-star General as a paying guest, or at an Army mess.

The loveliest sight is that of the Federal police grilling those without accommodation, by the roadside. They are in league with marriage bureaus, and regularly ask one to produce a most dreaded document that makes grown men weep: Nikah-nama, a harmless marriage certificate really. Because all residents are actually out-of-towners, they wear the Nikah-nama around the neck like a good luck charm. The police work hand in glove with hilarious liberated wives who wish to ensure that their nefarious obliterated husbands never forget the mistake they made while signing the marriage papers and saying 'I do' thrice.

It is time to make an amendment to the Constitution that the General has very kindly suspended, and declare travel to Islamabad an offence equal in gravity and seriousness to high treason. Such travel must be condemned outright.

Nobody must travel to that Forbidden City, least of all women foreign journalists pretending to be Osama Bin Laden. That millions of men compete to look and behave like Osama is understandable; to have women do the same is cause for joyous celebration. Osama is now a cross-cultural symbol capable of influencing all sexes, and giving any Hollywood male mega-star a run for the money.

Because Christina failed in her vain attempt to impersonate Osama, her employer, The Sunday Times, was deprived of an opportunity to splash the headline: Osama travels to Islamabad dressed as a woman.

The people of the Federal capital were deprived of entertainment the Allied commandos might have provided pursuing the wrong man, ruining the scenic beauty of Daman-e-Koh and Shakkar Parian, and playing Merry-go-round-the-Georgey-Bush. Now imagine all that without commercial breaks.

The Federal begums also lost the perfect opportunity to organise yet another Walk-a-Cause over the capital's Constitution Avenue. That Avenue was not built to honour the martyrs; it was laid out for a martyred concept: democracy. It represents Plotocracy, Lotacracy, and Notocracy, not democracy.

Back to dear Christina again-when asked why she picked a household name like Osama, she admitted, "I was just joking." All the interrogators there let out a single 'ha' in unison instead of the habitual 'ha . . . ha . . . ha . . . '”, which meant, what she said was not amusing.

Accommodating Christane Amanpour and Christina Lamb simultaneously in the capital soon gave the Federal capitalists a migraine as they were only trained to handle acute shortages of cute thinking heads. Eventually the city, so in love with making boomeranging decisions, found a God-sent excuse to patronise the American queen. The worst woman eventually won.

History conveniently repeated itself on 11 November when, in order to show respect to the WTC victims, Christina and Justin were again 'expelled for being involved in undesirable activities'. If only they had tamed carnal desire and curtailed after-dinner activities.

What would one do without the press? It was reported in the press that 'upon reaching the airport lounge she staged a drama and tore off her trousers to protest against the expulsion.' One can tear off a shalwar in disgust, but certainly not English trousers.

'She was strapped to a wheelchair by the security staff and promptly put on a London-bound PIA flight.' Christina narrowly escaped getting straitjacketed and sent to the lunatic asylum: the abandoned National Assembly Building.

In this age how careful can one be? Each media conglomerate needs at least one journalist from a happy family, not a striptease artist without the ability to break news, and certainly not an individual who is torn between a sense of honest duty and poorly choreographed nudity.

The Lamb Episode is a full-blown exposure of 'mad cow' flesh. Who knows if it was not a multi-national company's pre-launch trial of yet another hair removal product?

One must feel concerned about the way they use women journalists in the West. In the East, there is no problem because none are allowed to travel to war-zones without their husbands. The only war-zones they face are the homes of their in-laws.

The child-labour issue is a non-issue compared with the concerted global effort required to have the wages of Western journalists increased. Their employment contracts-that perhaps covertly encourage them to dishonour their bodies when credit cards are not honoured-also need to be re-negotiated.

Unannounced military take-overs are nothing new in the Third World; sporadic nude protests by irresponsible journalists are, and which require great emotional adjustment.

A concerned citizen suggested that these concerns-more explosive than all the American bombs put together-must be appropriately worded, then sent as a petition to the United Nations to intervene.

Pending weak-kneed resolutions on Kashmir and Palestine can wait forever. Instead, the dirtiest one-track minds at the U.N. need to be tickled so that the issue of naked aggression can be resolved quickly.

Tahir Gul Hasan holds the copyrights to his work. Written permission of the author is required for reproducing or re-printing his work on any medium.

To further connect the odd dots , please read:

Malala Yousuf Zai: Genius Or Mouth-Piece (part-I)
Malala Yousaf Zai: Attack Of The Babbling Tongues (part-II)
Project Malala: Famous Lost Words (Part-III)


TGH said...

Connect the Malala-Christina dots! Read the three articles in which I explained who Malala really is and then count the awards the west has bestowed upon her so that one day she comes to rule over us while being obedient to the British House of Windsor (actually German).
As I write this, Malala, the little witch from Swat, awaits being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.\10\09\story_9-10-2013_pg7_16

Anonymous said...

Tahir kindly remove this comment from your blog. One must mind their language and think before they ink. Such comments are not acceptable by any means.

Anonymous said...

Malala , Malala, Malala ! Her name is so hyped up now a days, nationally or internationally . Why Malala is given so much of importance ! What about other children who are being killed in Swat , Waziristan and also the ones who are killed by Drone attacks ?
Strange! But has anyone thought is she (the only daughter of this country) really a well-wisher of this country or is there something hidden in the box? We gained independence from Britain but we still are their slaves !!!
Actress Angelina Jolie suggested Malala should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize while Madonna put Malala’s name on her bare back! What about the two other girls that were injured in the same attack?
Let’s seriously think, is Malala Yousafzai a real daughter of Pakistan or they are using her against us?

Anonymous said...

The West will keep raping us until the civilian government is beholden to its indigenously staffed occupation force (don't we all know who THAT is?).
Malala already rules over Pakistan in the guise of the TOP BRASS beholden to the West, with their swords hanging over the neck of the prime minister.
...all pee-ons of the West know THIS...

TGH said...

Please read the following articles about agent 'M' to understand the full sorry story.

TGH said...

I guess Liaqat Ali Khan, Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto and Benazir Bhutto tried but failed and paid with their lives.
Only God can help us get out of the mess we've been stuck in since the 1950s. The 'aid' and the loans we happily consume are un-blessed because they're tainted with usury.

Anonymous said...

hey man, your girl is being courted by all the imperialist thugs and thuggesses the world over, what is up with that and on top of that she apologizes to bbc for the Afghans having fought the British in the past and says "I am not a Western stooge." Are these the kinds of people pakistan is producing these days??

TGH said...

Thanks for your comment, my (American?) friend. Look, MAN, could you provide me with the link to this 'apology to BBC' story?
Have you read all three articles about the wonder-girl and re-shaped your opinions?
This land has produced many heroes and traitors. But then every country produces such people.

Anonymous said...

re-shaped my opinion, my opinion of imperialism's mouthpieces has never been high-maybe some humility is in order?

Anonymous said...

listen to her interview with Mishal Hussein of BBC for the apology, and also why she is so interested in Syria to appease her Western masters, were it not for Syria being a priority for destruction by the West, Malala would have certainly won the Nobel Peace Prize of following the West's war agenda, Orwellian double-speak for 'peace'

TGH said...

When you addressed me as HEY MAN and then wrote 'Are these the kinds of people pakistan is producing these days?', you appeared to casually complaining as if I had something to do with it the sorry state of affairs.
Once I know who is commenting here, it's easier to answer. I get many anonymous comments here; some pretend to sound like someone I might have known.
Remember, I've always exposed and criticized the INSIDERs working for THEM? And do recall the three gems I penned to 'honour' the 'chosen one' who has caste her spell much like Harry Potter's books have on every child. High MAGIC is in the air!
Thanks for the BBC reference, I'll check it out.

TGH said...

The 'chosen one' speaks 'ooh la la so' CLEARLY about equal rights! The questions have been specially prepared just like her diaries and the rest of it were aimed at pushing forward the globalists' agenda. How else can you gain sympathy for the VILAYATI TA'ALEEMI system which helps pump so much of our money into their halls of 'higher learning'?

Anonymous said...

Hey man, you need to tell general sahib that house arrest in a million dollar resort wont do, they need to drag his butt to where other thugs and murderers reside....other than the white house that is.....

Have a nice day and take it easy....MAN.

TGH said...

MAN, I think the retarded jinn-rel is reading what you wrote. After the White-Washed House comes the small house six feet under ground.
All days are nice days if you always speak the truth.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

Hey man write a part IV on what the imperialists do with those they have used after they lose their utility and become a liability like the jarnail sahib or the one they fed the mangoes to.... Have a nice day

TGH said...

Man, part IV is very much lying in the chiller with me. I understand your concern here; you're not alone in worrying about things. The 'nasha' of power is such that future traitors seldom think about the crate that did it in Bahawalpur. They suck onto the mangoes while never counting the mango-seeds.

Anonymous said...

Hey man what is this? You are writing about pants and the premier went to the US (with no pants) just to shine Obama's shoes- Is this the kind of leadership that we are destined to live under?

TGH said...

Leaders have essentially remained greedy and stupid throughout history (except whom God chose as Prophets AND leaders).
This article was written in 2009 and needs to be treated as prophetic, and as a clear warming ahead of its time. I'm still writing--though not always about politics--and I see a growing number of people paying attention to these warnings. Hence, there is hope.
Have a nice (Malala) day!

Anonymous said...

Hey man, what's with that bustardoe Najam Sethi, he goes on TV night after night with his bloody chirya and repeats the Amreekan line, and then talk about adaliya but claims that all people accused of terrorism are terrorists without proof or trial because the umreekan thaneydaar says so- why do you all tolerate this kind of nonsense and the adaliya why do they not call him to answer such contempt of court where he has total disrespect for the rule of law but respects the rule of the jangal because Umreeka says so....

Anonymous said...

Hey man, now that the West has started to lose interest in malala and wrap up thier facical war on terror in this area, what is she going to do, shoot herself in the foot?? They are now inviting drone victims to testify becasue it is conveient to do so, makes me wonder why they didn't do this earlier were morality guiding their behavior......

TGH said...

Your concerns here have been seriously noted at the highest levels of our gore-mint. I guess you just have to wait for my next funny article to enjoy the answers I might provide.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Hey man, what is this??? One day before the peace talks, the Umreekans drone the opposition to sabotage them and spread mayhem in Pakistan. It was a "priority mail" message from Obama to NS, saying, "Look at me puke all over you, you mofo." Have the leaders in our parts of the world lost all shame? Same wine, different bottle.

Anonymous said...

what trial are we talking about? The one where they kidnap and kill the prosecutors or bail is granted immediately for a few dollars? Hang the bastard is what they should do, this is the single most important issue in the country, challenging the powers of the indigineous occupation force of the imperialists in pak.

Anonymous said...

Hey man,

this discussion about kuttas in the media has been very enlightening. Fazl was right, even a kutta killed by the umreekans is shaheed, and so was the JI chief when he said if kuttas are killed fighting for umreeka they cannot be shaheed only if they are killed by umreeka not fighting for them, to all this my kutta, who is the most beautiful animal Allah has created, does not like how people at times disrespect kuttas.

TGH said...

I'd like the Gee Hench Queue (GHQ) to answer your questions. So would 190 million 'others' who probably don't count in this G-WOE (global war of error).

Anonymous said...

Interesting ! You always come up with some very humorous and unusual abbreviations :)

Anonymous said...

oye man, what is this, Umreeka has let its dogs out on the Pakistani media and they are singing and howling and barking the Umreekan point of view trying to legitimize the drone strikes in their own homeland. Intey beyghairat log me ney dunya mey nahi dekhey, and this includes the so called humanitarians like Asma Jahangir- she is f'ing clueless.

TGH said...

Dear Unnhony-Must:
Instead of locking on to just this article, your precious voice-of-the-masses belongs on my other articles too. I know you KNOW but there are other things you must know. You already know how much I laahve the 'controlled' mainstream media. Great surprises await you at:
Fruits, Vegetables & Untruths:

Anonymous said...

Hey man,

Check out the comments published at the site by the King of Chowk, where some Western stooge was badmouthing ZAB sahib,