Come Here To My Hot Zoo!

WARNING: Parents over eighteen years of age must be accompanied by their fully-grown children when reading this.

I have seen many women in my life, a few drunk too, but never one so drunk as the one in the video we are about to see. Her ability to balance the alcoholic drink, walk without stepping over the toes of her loved ones, sing in perfect pitch and maintain perfect tempo, is nothing but phenomenal; most men dream of owning at least one such revolving satellite at home if not outside of it.

The location is hackneyed yet perfect for this kind of Club Class action. The scene starts with the drunken heroine’s laughter. We are denied the pleasure of hearing the vulgar joke cracked behind the scenes and which prompted her to laugh out aloud amidst the rented public.

The dressed-to-thrill leading lady on the screen is actress Babita ('Babs') of the Kapoor (K)lux Klan; she is Karishma and Kareena’s mother, and Randhir Kapoor’s wife. The male lead, the forgettable Biswajeet, is dressed in drainpipe trousers and a jacket fit for a trip to the polar regions.

The club appears to be a very cool jungle with a house-band providing the accompaniment and appropriately named THE MONKEES.

The long lyrical introduction leads to sensuous strumming of the Spanish guitar to kick-start the chorus. This is Asha Bhosley beautifully singing in O.P. Nayyar’s inimitable compositional style.

A rhythmic dholak and a metal teaspoon hitting its wooden body in steady 4/4 time-signature are the most recognizable sounds of Mr O.P.

As is most often the case with perfectly beautiful songs, this one too is sacrificed at the altar of overacting and average cinematography.

Finally, NASA ought to worry because 'Babs' is promising the entire club's male membership a free trip to the cosmos without spending a dime or attempting to stage Hollywood-style fake 'moon landings'.

• Movie: Kismet
• Singer: Asha Bhonsle
• Music Director: O P Nayyar
• Lyricist: Noor Dewasi
• Actors/Actresses: Babita, Biswajeet
• Year/Decade: 1968

What I’ve done for the first time here is write equivalent English lyrics for the chorus that can be sung with the tune—a very difficult feat to achieve. 

The words within parenthesis are my implied meanings or actions performed by actors. And wherever the word 'born' appears, please imagine yourself an Arab who, unable to pronounce the alphabet 'p', must replace it with 'b' instead. 

Here we go.

* * *

Introductory lyrics:

(Miss) Moon and (Miss) Sun are lit up (in this club) all because of me
Consider me damned 'N' of (dis)honour
If I get abducted from (Chaudhry Zamanay's) constituency
Love’s name will vanish from all (election commission's) records
This heart is more delicate than a bud or a flower (in a shower)
Take care that it breaks not
[The actress whirls in an anti-clockwise orbit]

And if it breaks at your hands (you moron!)
Johnny B. Good, do get this (through your thick head)
[‘What?” asks a stranger]

Then no (ex) goddess of love will ever brush her wig
And no worship of any canine (monster) will any redhead ever do
[Hiccup. Music and feminine stupidity start simultaneously. The heroine’s first victim’s wife gives up her man immediately.]

Come here to my hot zoo
To the (born) stars I’ll take you
[Hiccup]
Where the heart will swing (O baby)
To such springs I will take you
Come here to my hot zoo
To the (born) stars I’ll take you
[Hiccup]
Where the heart will swing (O baby)
To such springs I will take you
Come to my hot zoo, come over ooh...ooh

[By now the woman is dancing with everyone but the chef. The hero looks on, satisfied that she’s in safe hands, ready to be barbecued.]

A knower of my (dirty) secrets, (you're) like-minded
Do let our (branded) sunglasses meet as well
Complete the journey of life, do become a travel companion (using my Frequent Flyer Diamond-Market card)
[By now the woman is dancing with not one but two strange men.]
A knower of my (dirty) secrets, (you're) like-minded
Do let our (branded) sunglasses meet as well
Complete the journey of life, do become a travel companion (using my Frequent Flyer Diamond-Market card)
Aha...ha...ha...
Aaa...aaaaaa...
[She deprives the sex-ophonist of his thing and insists on blowing it herself. And my, does she blow?]
Aa...haha...O ho ho...
Aa...haha...
[She attempts to take over the drummer’s stool but fails the stool-test]
[Hiccup]

In bright (Ariel-laundered) sights of love, let me take you
Where the heart will swing (O baby)
To such spring seasons I will take you
Come to my hot zoo, come over ooh...ooh

[She approaches the hero after courting—can you believe it?—a tree, and two more men.]

Do write
[She laughs like a woman possessed, produces a fake hiccup, and moans giving a good idea of what she desires.]
Do write on the book of (pickled) dills such a dusty tale
Whose example even the seven ass-men won’t be able to generate
[Snatches a drink from yet another stranger]
Do write on the book of (pickled) dills such a dusty tale
Whose example even the seven ass-men won’t be able to generate

[She pours the drink over her left milk-factory]
Aa...haha...O ho ho...
Aa...haha...
[She lies down, changes her mind, allows the real sex-ophonist to blow it, then climbs over the table, and imitates the sex-ophonist.]
Aa...haha...O ho ho...
Aa...haha...
[Hiccup]
Hand in hand I’ll take you into a thousand-strong crowd
[Hiccup]
[She picks up an elderly stranger, old enough to be her father. He is now clearly holding her white shawl.]
Where the heart will swing (O baby)
To such springs I will take you

Come here to my hot zoo
To the (born) stars I will take you
[Hiccup]...aa...
Where the heart will swing (O baby)
To such springs I will take you

[An obese woman walks in with her illegitimate son, and whom the heroine attempts to seduce. While he wants to reach for her born stars, his hostile but legitimate mama bites her un-sensuous lips, grinds her dentures, and worries about her wig falling off.]

Come to my hot zoo, come over ooh...ooh

[Lacking a grip on something more substantial, mama grabs the illegitimate son by the collar, punches him in the face, and watches him take a much-needed bath.]

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