Thursday, 31 December 2009

Once In A Blue Moon

If you have heard the expression ‘It happens only once in a blue moon’, get ready to witness just that in the skies this New Year's Eve. Now it does not mean that one should expect a bluish glow over planet Earth. The term ‘blue moon’ simply refers to the second full moon in a calendar month. The last time that happened on a New Year's Eve was in December 1990.

Most months have just one full moon, because the 29.5-day cycle of the moon matches up nicely with the length of calendar months. Only about every 2½ years, there will be two full moons in a month. A blue moon on December 31 is rare.

Some songs associated with the blue moon are Elvis Presley’s ‘Blue Moon’, ‘When My Blue Moon Turns to Gold Again’, and ‘Blue Moon of Kentucky.’

A blue moon has not always had the same meaning that it has today, centuries ago, it simply meant ‘never’ or ‘absurd’. One could say that Chowk’s editors only listen once in a blue moon. The phrase 'blue moon' has been around for over four hundred years, but it has at least six different meanings, with at least four of them still in use today.

In 1883, the Indonesian volcano, Krakatoa (recall the 1969 movie: Krakatoa, east of Java), erupted and released so much dust in the atmosphere that the moon actually appeared blue—an event so unusual that the term ‘once in a blue moon’ was coined; the bluish effect lasted nearly for almost two years.

Full moons originally had twelve names, one for each month, while ‘blue moon’ referred to the 13th full moon:

January: Wolf Moon
February: Snow Moon
March: Worm Moon
April: Pink Moon
May: Flower Moon
June: Strawberry Moon
July: Buck Moon
August: Sturgeon Moon
September: Corn Moon
October: Harvest Moon
November: Beaver Moon
December: Cold Moon

The term ‘blue moon’ acquired its current meaning in the 1940s, when the Farmer's Almanac of Maine offered an astronomical definition of a blue moon.

Tonight (yes, Josephine, tonight), the full moon’s age will be about 14 ½ days, and it will appear bigger by about 12% because it will be near its perigee (nearest distance to the Earth).

Moonrise: 1654 Pak time
Moonset at 0304 Pak time

So, enjoy the view tonight but do not howl at the full moon too much.


As if THIS was not enough! I remembered tonight is also a PARTIAL lunar eclipse that will start at 18:51 UTC (23:51 Pak time).

One ticket, two shows!

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

From Behind Your (fake) Eyelashes

SEVERE WARNING: Parents who are under twenty-one years of age, must be accompanied by precocious children when reading this.


The fake romance takes place in a real garden somewhere in occupied Kashmir. The hero wears a tie—a gross violation of the tribal traditions. The girl, dressed in a nice skirt, displays a miniature statue of puberty in her hair, and walks all over barefooted because the local cobbler has not returned her shoes.

This whole bit of creative writing is based on one neat trick: open the video in one browser window and the text in another window, run them side by side (both windows with Chowq in them) and read the running commentary to derive maximum pleasure. Let us see the song now.

Man: What did you say Dolly from behind your (fake) eyelashes?
Woman: My eyes have decorated a (dance)party of my (damp)dreams, you too must gate-crash
Man: What did you say Dolly from behind your (fake) eyelashes?

[A useless garden-chase follows during which nothing happens; the birds mating in the trees are truly embarrassed at the colossal waste of time the humans indulge in.]

Man: (Bring me my) tuba, Tooba (dear)
It was hard to excite my unmentionable bodypart to begin with
It’s (always) such a problem—on top of that—you walk hiding your face in your hairy lot
(Repeat above lines)
Woman: Don’t say things that will make me (and your wife who might be watching us) feel ashamed

[Repeat Chorus]

[The man and woman vanish from view. He lights up his Camel in a country that is not Marlboro country. She comes running to him and ensures he does not get all the puffs alone of that stuff that will take him straight to Nirvana, and snatches the cigarette away. He approves of her stern reaction. They soon reach Murree without their Indian passports and without changing into winter uniforms. So cool is the woman, she is still not wearing any shoes in the snow-covered hills—an amazing feat only achievable once one has had a substantial quantity of Salajeet: an aphrodisiac that grows in the mountains.]

Woman: I hope Danny (my other client) doesn’t spot me here
My heart is pounding (£), don’t block my path you rascal (free-rider) surgean
By the ton I tremble, please don’t twist my finger (you sadist) PIA (crew)
(Repeat above lines)
Man: Don’t report me (to the authorities) after making it out (with me) in Wana (of all the places)

[Repeat Chorus]

[The woman throws not balls of fire but rather a ball of soft snow at the man; this he is able to catch successfully.]

[More useless chasing and singing.]

Man: After botching up (my entire night), where (the hell) are you headed Mutt Wally?
With your tender lips, again promise me that you’ll meet me again in Wada (which is close to Wana)
(Repeat above lines)
Woman: This (unmentionable part) is your own home (sweet home), so do come freely (inside)

[Repeat Chorus]

[The man pretends he’s falling off a cliff.]

Monday, 28 December 2009

Shall I Kill Thee Or What?

I believe, this is the song the Indusian Army played as an endless loop for our prisoners of war back in 1971. They set all 90,000 free once convinced that the soldiers had absorbed enough of Bollywood fantasy.

Now for the reason I decided to do a parody of this song. Had I known that traitors received such a fine musical treatment before being hacked to digital ones and zeros, I might have chosen to play a double game instead of being a freedom (Farida’s dumb) fighter. Nevertheless, knowing me as you all do from Chowq, I would rather put up a good fight than blow myself up for Hades. Keeping in mind the recent conspiracy at Chowq, the characters in the video are:

The poser hero, wearing a military uniform and shown tied to a pillar, is actually the nemesis, the anti-hero; let us call him speci-man ‘F’.

The heroine, really an aunty, may be called speci-woman ‘L’. Together, F & L, make the F1½ Auto Racing Losers’ Team. Appropriately tied to a pillar, Miss ‘L’ wears a revealing dress.

The vengeful dancer might look like one of the avid supporters of my fan club (C3), but I assure you, she is only a hired lookalike; the real handler is hidden under the fake villain’s wooden throne. Let us label the vengeful dancer as speci-woman ‘VD’.

Also, notice that although the lookalike heroine and the aunty heroine belong to opposite camps, they have managed to colour-coordinate their pink wardrobes.

I know how my Chowq-disabled adversaries would love to see me in that despicable villain’s role, but I assure you that that can never ever be the case. To fool the enemies, I always drink Makkah Cola using a Coca Cola bottle. I might appear drunk with power but again that is never the case. I am always in charge of my senses just as the aunty heroine is in control of her double game. And the designer belt—adorned with real cartridges (‘kaartoos’)—I am wearing around my waist is purely there to keep my shalwar from slipping off—something that must be avoided at all cost during the proceedings of an important public trial.

The treatment the fake hero gets is enviable to the hard core. With so much of fake anger flying about, I would not mind being tied to one such lamppost until judgement day. I can see many of you alpha-males nodding your heads in an affirmative thinking that one certified vengeful dancer (VD) might be a better deal than seventy-two uncertified virgins are.

The song is from the movie: Mera GaoN Mera Des (my village, my country). It starts with the entire Chowq readership watching aghast as I make a horrible example out of the C3 traitors.

At 00:41, the C3’s vengeful dancer—‘VD’ for short—performs a hat-trick slap routine on the chief conspirator. While the dazed aunty heroine (speci-woman ‘L’) looks on with disbelief, I, with unusual cynicism, take a sip of Makkah Cola while reclining on a soft pillow. Here we go with the song and its de-coded lyrics:

Shall I kill thee or let thee ride scot-free?
Bull! To what school shall I send thee?
[Watch the cool skirt-manoeuvre here! She repeats the same offer to speci-woman ‘L’.]
Shall I kill thee or let thee ride scot-free?
Bull! To what school shall I send thee? – 2X
Shall I bestow upon thee a (free membership of my fiery) gym (O fake Romeo)?
Or (fresh-squeezed) venom?
Shall I kill thee or let thee ride scot-free?
Bull! To what school shall I send thee? – 2X

[VD washes the fake hero’s face with the same sweet water she herself has drunk—an out-of-script move, considering that she is out to poison the poor fellow.]
[More dance by the VD follows. She then grabs a 6-inch knife and heads for ‘F’]

I rattled mine glass bangles, and spread mine (shampooed) hair – 2X
But to thee, chain, yes chains, yea yea
To you, appealed a chain
Shall I imprison thee (in Guantanamo), or let thee go scot-free (without a surety bond)?
Bull! To what school shall I send thee? – 2X

[I drink more Makkah Cola while VD, at 2:39, tears off the silly disguise ‘L is wearing and proceeds to make a kitchen-duster out of. I ask for a fresh bottle of M-Cola and watch the show with fake disbelief. Having dined and then wined, by now the fake G-men of my original fan club are seen lying unconscious on the floor—they were unconscious to begin with.]

[At 03:00, VD does something that I never authorized but then, maybe I did; who can remember petty details? VD cuts the strings of the embroidered dress ‘L’ is wearing and gives her the public ‘exposure’ she craved for.]

Laughter cometh on thine tail (now that I have stepped on your tale)
Mercy (also) cometh on your (wasted) youth
Laughter cometh on thine tail (now that I have stepped on your tale)
Mercy (also) cometh on your (wasted) youth
Today (19 November, in the year 2009 of our Lord) thou art on mine, thou art thou art are on mine
Thou art dependent this day on MINE mercy
[At 04:36, VD comes sit by my side—something that I did authorize.]
To break it, or to mend the heart
Bull! To what school shall I send thee? – 2X
[By now, VD has her knife on the right arm of ‘F’]

[The remaining, apparently sober, G-men collapse the moment they have taken liberal sips of the infamous dog-killer whiskey called 100 Dogs. VD continues to cast a spell with her skirt and, very suggestively, lowers the lantern’s flame. The M-Cola bottle slips out of my hand and, from under my soft pillow, I pull out a flashlight to shed more light on the proceedings of a public trial with a happy end.]

O flyer mosquito of an extinguishing candle
What is thine last wish, O Must Ana?
[VD cuts up the sorry face of ‘F, in the same democratic spirit the Americans possess at Camp X-Ray.]
O flyer mosquito of an extinguishing candle
What is thine last wish, O Must Ana?
Today thine grey(matter) banned
Thine, thine (you swine) grey(matter) banned
Today thine grey(matter) banned, O devious wanna-be
Shall it be Chowqed or be left (un-banChowkqed)?
Bull! To what school shall I send thee? – 2X
Shall I kill thee or let thee ride scot-free?
Bull! To what school shall I send thee? – 2X

[In the end, I pretend to be in drunkard’s Nirvana but in truth, I am slyly watching the proceedings reach their logical conclusion.]

Sunday, 27 December 2009

Shania “Shunno” Twain - The Perfect Face

Scientists always seem to work overtime. They now believe they have ‘worked out the dimensions of the most attractive female face’.

Beautiful science

The men in white-coats, kind discoverers of hidden beauty, claim: “The ‘key to the ideal arrangement of female facial features is the measurements between the eyes, mouth and ears.”

In 1971 Pakistan had its ideal geographical features re-arranged. Just next doors in Afghanistan, the American and Allied make-up artists remain busy in yet another ‘war theatre’ of their own making.

Given that advertisers never tire of propping up before eager male eyes one beautiful face after another, the ‘scientific’ discovery mentioned above will bring good business to the beauty industry. As a bonus, such diversions will make the wretched masses forget about the G-WOE (global war of error) for brief moments.

Resistance is useless. Men are advised to put that silly measuring tape down and stop chasing after their spouses to note why that ‘other woman’ looks dimensionally perfect.

In the East we neither measure a man by his worth in Dollars nor a woman by her bodily and facial measurements which the researchers say are important. When Eastern men fall in love, they do so with their heart and soul and not, as most Western men do, through the love muscle.

As for the distances between a spouse’s facial features, allow me to warn as a man that these change between the time of marriage and togetherness in old age, and often the change drastically when men give unconvincing excuses about their whereabouts.

Shania who?

Back to the story now. The men in white coats applied their results to the Canadian pop singer, 
Shania Twain, and rated her as having the perfect visage.

It is sad that Shania’s husband—Robert John “Mutt” Lange, the legendary rock music producer for rock bands AC/DC and Def Leppard—heard about this ‘scientific discovery’ a bit too late. The couple separated and then divorced.

Mutt, seventeen years older to Shania, will continue his ‘affair’ with their friend and house manager Marie-Anne Thiébaud. Mutt means a dog that has characteristics of two or more breeds, a mongrel.

A Canadian conspiracy

The study, led by the University of Toronto, appears in the journal Vision Research. Please bear in mind that Shania Twain (born as Eilleen Regina Edwards on 28 August, 1965) also hails from Canada. That alone explains why droves of hot-blooded Pakistanis are settling in frozen-hell Canada.

The researchers asked students to rate the attractiveness of colour photographs of the same woman's face, laid out side by side. Using Photoshop, they altered the vertical distance between the eyes and mouth, and the horizontal distance between the eyes in each image.

The features themselves never changed, just the distance between them did, while they compared the woman's face to herself. Following a series of experiments, the researchers came up with the most attractive length and width ratios between features.

On length, the distance between a woman's eyes and mouth should be just over a third or 36%, of the overall length of her face, from hairline to chin.

For width, they calculated that the space between a woman's pupils should be just under half, or 46%, of the width of her face from ear to ear.
Fortunately, the researchers calculated that these ratios corresponded to an average face and that the women who did not fit the ‘perfect dimensions’ had no need to resort to fashionable plastic surgery, although hairstyles could be used in effect to create an optical illusion.

Other runner-ups

Lead researcher Professor Kang Lee said the face of actress and renowned beauty Angelina Jolie did not fit the golden ratio for either length or width. I offer my condolences to Pakistan’s ex-president Musharraf who shook Angelina’s hand like a true commando while Brad Pitt conveniently looked out of the presidency’s window.

British actress Elizabeth Hurley scored well on the golden ratio for length, and just missed out the width measurement. Nevertheless, divorcee Shania Twain, 44, whose hits include ‘Man, I feel like a woman!’ eclipsed both the women. The results suggest her face has a perfect set of geometric measurements.

The not-so-pretty others

The study looked only at white women, and the researchers admit their findings were inapplicable to other groups such as the Chinese and the Africans.

Professor David Perrett, of the perception lab at St Andrew's University, said, “The physical dimensions of a face provide many clues about the health and fertility of the owner. Men tend to be attracted to female faces that are young and feminine probably because they suggest heightened fertility.”

When was the last time you looked at the other sex or someone’s ex keeping fertility in mind?

The professor also said, “The distance between features was probably less important than the appearance of the features themselves. For instance, a man is likely to be attracted by big eyes, rather than by the fact that they were a certain distance apart.”

Enough of this geometry

Forget for a moment what the good professor said and allow me to recall where I first saw Shania’s ‘perfect face’.

I was in Paris on a business trip. Bored and alone one afternoon (yes one can feel like that in the ‘city of lovers’) I started to switch television channels looking for something English. I suddenly stopped at the MTV channel because Shania Twain’s song, ‘This Moment On’, was on air.

When it finished, I took a cold shower and quickly left the hotel room for a brisk walk on Avenue des Champs-Élysées. Not a single damsel possessed the fire power of Shania Twain. I was afraid to return to the hotel room lest Shania leapt at me through the television screen. From that moment on, she was not Shania but affectionate Shunno to me.

Salient features

Monsieurs and Mademoiselles, Shunno’s video bowled me clean for a duck; the following were some of the salient features:

1) The modesty of her ‘hijab’ and ‘abaya’ had the potential of attracting hordes of very religious-minded women.

2) The dress was flashy yet revealed only a sample pack of her flesh.

3) She was bare-footed, which meant she could outpace the fastest male cheetah.

4) The colour of her eyes—assuming she wore no coloured contact lenses—was almost the same as that of my eyes; this common something meant a great deal to me.

5) The lyrics were as good as my 'Bollywood Song Parodies'.

6) The melody flowed beautifully just like her dress’s tail did.

7) She used her eyebrows to great effect, and which affected me permanently once I returned to the country of my origin.

There was more that I noticed but I think it will be fair if I allowed you to see the video of the song to judge for yourselves what I mean.

©Tahir Gul Hasan, 2009 (re-edited 15 September 2019)

Video of unplugged version of (with Alison Krauss and Union Station):

‘From This Moment’

Original video

The original song (not downloadable)

The same song: 'HD' version

Friday, 25 December 2009

Mr Jinnah’s Soul

Always busy sermonising, the pair of homing pigeons, messers AAZ & SYRG, have yet again urged the ‘country to unite and reclaim the values, which Qaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah bequeathed to the nation as his heritage.’

Do they mean a coming together of East and West Pakistan? They did not elaborate upon the exact values, but then who cares about the values when every unjust tax will soon be renamed VALUE-added tax? What I would love most for my compatriots to do is to unite and reclaim all the taxes from the income tax department.

First, we pay income tax on earnings through jobs that the government neither created nor gave us. Second, we pay yet more taxes on the utility bills. Now, If I light up a bulb in my hut, why must I be taxed? Since we are being kept in the dark, must I live in the dark as well? If I make a phone call, why must I pay advance income tax when my employer deducts income tax, on a monthly basis, ‘at source? Finally, why must I pay tax upon tax upon tax when a tax relief upon a tax relief upon a tax relief should be the order of the day?

On the Qaid’s 133rd birth anniversary, AAZ said, “I wish to felicitate the nation on the Qaid’s birth anniversary and urge the people to forge unity in their ranks to preserve and protect their democratic and political rights and thereby make Pakistan a shining example of prosperity and progress.”

Hollow words indeed, celebrating the great leader’s birthday without a birthday cake is ridiculous. If they can eat Zulfiqar Ali or Benazir’s birthday cakes, where is the Qaid’s cake? They ought to thank the Qaid for resting where he does in Karachi. I am sure that each stately visit and routine signature in the visitors’ book placed at Mr Jinnah’s mausoleum tortures his soul a great deal. The regular descent of our living legends, just to check if the founding father is still unthreateningly inside his marble grave, is an insult to the man’s remains, not to mention the stress the tons of marble used in the structure must feel when the likes of AAZ or SYRG walk up the stairs.

The only institution that is famous for forging unity is the one that wears khaki uniforms, and it can defend itself well against the evil of ‘bloody civilian’ interference. To add injury to the insult, the same undemocratic force forcibly attempts—after generously allowing us self-rule for a few years—to teach us what kind of a kicking donkey democracy really is. Pause to think: through exactly what rights might an ordinary citizen turn the state into a ‘shining example’, when the sold-out leaders busy themselves performing shoeshine jobs for America and its silly allies?

AAZ also said, “Jinnah’s birthday was a day of rededication to the ideals and principles of the Father of the Nation. It is a day of introspection and reflection, to pause and ponder as to what steps we can take to protect the ideals and principles for which the Qaid created this homeland.”

Agreed, it is a day of reflection, a reflection upon the sorry mess in which the men in the corridors of power have landed us. If we did not pause to ponder over the Great Banana Split of 1971, how can we do it with ease at this moment? When Ayub, Yahya, Zia and Musharraf did not pause to ponder, whose shining example must dictators—civil and military—follow now?

SYRG added said, “The best tribute the country could pay to Jinnah was allegiance to the principles that he had espoused in his life and the values, which he had promoted throughout his career. The country’s architect had achieved a miracle through his own determination and the spirit of self-sacrifice shown by the Muslims of the subcontinent. He led Muslims out of their perplexities and frustration to freedom and gave shape, significance and direction to their quest for liberty. Jinnah’s birth anniversary calls for reappraisal of the situation and rededication to the national cause. He stood for the rule of law, for freedom and democracy, for social justice and or discipline and ordered progress.”

We read all that in class eight, thank you. The founding father worked so hard, he died of tuberculosis; the ones that suck our blood these days produce so little of use to the people, they are not bound to leave for the eternal abode until at least one thousand years. Mr Jinnah was surely the ‘country’s architect’ who left it at the mercy of destructive contractors.

Just last night, I saw on the tunnel vision (let us call it ‘television’), an old clip of Zulfiqar Ali exhorting the nation to eat grass for a thousand years and then die fighting; it was followed by his daughter shouting more or less the same thing to the mesmerised masses. Finally, we were shown Bilawal who sounded worst than his grandfather and his mother, and repeating the same thing with none of that Oxford finesse. In short, all the leaders want from the toiling masses wearing grass skirts is to fight an unknown enemy until death.

With everybody and his dog nicely settled in America, Canada or Australia, where is our educated class? Living in near-perfect systems, what difference are they all making in a foreign land? While I ask our leaders to tell me what they mean by the silly words they utter on certain dates of national importance, those living comfortably abroad need to ask the same men more disturbing questions.

I once sharply rebuked an older cousin for stating for the consumption of the American media that he ‘wanted to see an alignment of America’s aims with that of Pakistan’s.’

Our leaders here do not have much of an aim, but what I—or even Mr Jinnah, for that matter—would not want for this one-legged country is to walk on the yellow-brick road of evil. To throw away the crutches requires, in our case, the moral courage of a proud Muslim.


In Yuhanabad, there is no joy today for Christians like Faqir Masih who was forced by poverty to sell a kidney to unscrupulous organ traders.

“Religious minorities are an easy prey’, says the 32-year-old balloon-seller responsible for his mother, two brothers and a sister.

A year ago, he succumbed to the pressure of having to sell a kidney to raise money for his poor family; he still experiences excruciating pain.

“Christmas, as usual, won’t bring any joy this year as we can’t celebrate,” he said wearing dirty clothes, seated on a broken bed next to his old mother.

“These people came and asked me to sell my kidney for Rs 150,000. They said that I would be able to buy a new house and send my brothers and sister to a good school. After the surgery, they gave me Rs 40,000 and warned me of serious consequences when I asked for the remaining amount. These people didn’t even give me proper medical treatment after the surgery”, he said showing a cut on his abdomen.

Most Christians in Yuhanabad, 20 kilometres east of Lahore, are labourers and workers who live hand to mouth in dilapidated houses. However, the showy celebrations of the elite of richer Christians of Lahore mean Christmas trees, new clothes, and wining and dining with friends and family.

Adeeb-ul-Hasan Rizvi, head of the Sindh Institute of Urology and Transplantation, is considered the ‘father of a bill in the parliament that outlaws Pakistan’s big kidney bazaar’.

“We calculated roughly at least 2,000 kidneys are transplanted in the country every year—500 legally and the rest illegally,” Dr Rizvi said, putting last year’s trade at $12 million.
The rich from the West benefit from all this. Christians are not the only victims with millions of Pakistanis living in bonded labour. Some sell kidneys in the hope of paying back cash advances from landlords and freeing themselves from modern-day slavery.

Bones protruding from his skin, Muhammad Ilyas became the fourth person in a family of eleven to sell a kidney in an effort to pay off a loan.

“I saw a big bucket full of knives, cutters and scissors, I got scared. I thought about running away but all the doors were locked and I was surrounded by half a dozen men who were eager to cut my body,” he lamented.

Thursday, 24 December 2009

Christmas and New Year Wishes

I wish all my Christian friends:

A MERRY CHRISTMAS and a very HAPPY 2010 !!

Do remember to wish the poor Muslims when they celebrate their religious events; it will promote love and understanding.

Do not get drunk, and do not party all night long; do what Jesus did: FIGHT USURY, the root of today’s evil.

Monday, 21 December 2009

Work Sets You Free (at Auschwitz)

I thought doing untruthful work for the CIA promised freedom because their motto is loaned from the Bible, John 8:32:

And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.

Then Adolf, the Fuhrer with a dangerously short moustache, came along and decided that not truth but actually work set one free. He even set up camps where, according to some, he sprayed the fresh arrivals with Zyklon-B in order to rid them of lice and other religious infections.

Zyklon-B was invented by Dr. Fritz Haber; it was meant to be used as an insecticide. Haber also invented synthetic Ammonia, a chemical used in fertilizer and explosives. By 1914, Haber was an internationally respected scientist, having perfected a process for extracting nitrates from the atmosphere. Used initially to produce fertilizer, Zyklon-B was used in the mass production of explosives vital to Germany's war effort. He dedicated himself to Germany in its hour of need and used his scientific knowledge to put an end to the deadlock on the western front. Originally of Jewish origin, Haber had renounced Judaism to become a Christian to prove his patriotism for the fatherland.

Throughout research, Haber had faced strong opposition from his wife and PhD chemist Clara Immerwahr, who felt that this work into chemical warfare was an awful perversion of the humanitarian values that science stood for. Like a good husband, Haber ignored her objections and continued his research in secret, until a laboratory accident claimed the life of one Clara’s friends. Her objections turned into total hatred but Haber pressed on, believing that poison gas was more humane than bullets.

At the end of 1914, Haber approached the military with his new weapon and promised them victory. He faced strong scepticism since chemical warfare was both a new concept, violated the sense of honour and military tradition. Germany was a signatory of the Hague Convention which banned the use of gas in war. The German government initially rejected his ideas but in late 1915, as the casualties began to mount, they reconsidered and assigned Haber a military rank entitling him to work at developing a gas Corps.

At Ypres on 22nd April 1915, the gas cylinders released a deadly cloud that enveloped a battlefield full of unsuspecting French and Algerian troops. Ten thousand men died where they fell, bayonets, watches, human skin, everything in the cloud’s path was stained green; the face of war stood irrevocably changed.

The death toll was enormous but the Germans failed to gain an advantage. The other governments quickly labelled the attack a violation of international law, but Germany argued that the Hague treaty had only banned chemical shells, and not the use of gas projectors. Haber was a failure but he was hailed a hero and promoted to the rank of Captain, something very rare for a civilian.

Horrified by her husband’s participation in the deaths of so many, his wife Clara committed suicide with his service pistol, by shooting herself in the heart. Unmoved, the next morning Haber headed to the Eastern Front to personally oversee the next gas attack against the Russians.

After the war, Haber, fearful of facing a war crimes trial, was rewarded with a Nobel Prize for his pre-war work on nitrates; this honour left him free to conduct research into more gas weapons. While the good folks thought he was developing pesticides, in the 1920s he developed another toxic gas from hydro-cyanic acid that, in enclosed space, was also highly effective at killing humans.

Twenty years later Zyklon-B would be used in Nazi camps. Not all victims of the genocide were Haber's own Jewish people; such a cruel twist of fate he could not have foreseen. Members of his extended family also died in concentration camps possibly by Zyklon-B. Rejected by the country he had strived so hard to serve above all other considerations, he was chased out of Germany. A broken man, Haber died of heart failure a year later in exile in Switzerland.

Enough of this horrible history lesson; I remember seeing a documentary in which the researcher, disguised as a restless Jew, went around such areas of Auschwitz camp that were marked ‘Out Of Bounds’ for the unsuspecting tourists. He found that the numbers of Jews who were allegedly gassed and then buried around the compound were greatly exaggerated. In fact, he noted that the gas used in those alleged ‘death camps’ was a disinfectant.

He also pointed out that the Auschwitz camp had a gymnasium—one wonders why Adolf, himself almost Jewish, wanted the ‘inferior race’ to die in perfect health. The camp also had its own currency—once again one wonders why Adolf wanted the poor inmates to have money to buy things from the local cafeteria.

The same researcher also noted the structural improvements of the alleged ‘concentration camp’ were not what they seemed—although the remnants of ‘God’s chosen people’ presented them to the world as ‘killer gas chambers’. It was his contention that the metallic ovens were used to rid the place of filthy clothes that the new arrivals wore when they came, and not for incinerating human beings. In short, the documentary was as convincing as the attempts of Hollywood and the Holocaust industry’s hype of showing the Germans as evil incarnate.

Adolf was so in love with the idea of hanging an appropriate sign over the entrance gate to the Auschwitz camp, he chose ‘Arbeit Macht Frei’ (Work Sets You Free) to be displayed.

Fast forward. Only a few days ago, a theft took place in the same ‘death camp’ which is now a major tourist attraction; some folks stole Adolf’s infamous sign. It is ironic that on the same day that the German government announced it would contribute sixty million Euro to help preserve the Auschwitz-Birkenau ‘death camp’, the iconic entry sign reading, ‘Arbeit Macht Frei’, was stolen.

“The sign was nothing less than a desecration”, writes Rabbi Andrew Baker.

May I request Dr. Mahatir Muhammad and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to clarify if it was or was not a desecration? Will it be a correct assumption that what Adolf meant was: Work to get paid, or get laid off.

What is happening right now under our noses is far more important than what happened in WW-II. In any case, the ‘chosen race’ has been more than adequately compensated by the German government. With an increasing number of people interested in earning the daily bread rather than paying the Auschwitz museum a visit, the theft may have been the coolest publicity stunt of this winter.


On 21 December 2009, the Police said they arrested five suspects–aged between 20 and 39–and taken them to Krakow (the nearest city to Auschwitz) for questioning.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Happy 1431

I wish all the believing (and practising) Muslims a very

HAPPY NEW YEAR (1431 Hijrah, to be precise)

Now, do not let the label '01 Muharram' distract you.

Notice that while Muslims go out of their way to wish 'Happy New year' to Christian friends, the latter never reciprocate when the Islamic year changes—so much for a connected world.

Be strong and have lots of faith.

As we witness the G-WOE (global war of error), never lose hope.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

The Impious Planners Vs The Best Planner

The Green Cardigans (those who prostrate before the Green Card instead of God) never admit to the wrong their government is unleashing upon the entire world.

Please see these videos to understand their aggressive policies designed to ruin humanity. God’s Way promises peace and prosperity, the devil brings insecurity and unhappiness.

Wolfowitz dark speech: They allowed Pearl Harbour to happen; they planned 911 as well!

And Dick Cheney says, ‘So?”

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Pricks and Boots

One Prick And It Is Done:

Court documents detailed how the man, 35, twice pricked his 33-year-old wife with a sewing needle laced with his infected blood. It is believed, the man wanted to give her the disease so she would start having sex with him again, New Zealand's Sunday Star-Times said.

The husband discovered he was HIV-positive, whereas his wife and children were not during health checks imposed on them when the family arrived in New Zealand in 2004.

The woman had said she wanted to maintain the relationship for the sake of the children but refused to have sex with him for fear of contracting the disease.

In the documents, the wife described how, in May 2008, she found a sting-like mark on her left thigh and two days later awoke to a stinging feeling in her leg.

She said, "I got up and I flicked the blankets. I looked at my husband and he was wide awake."

The wife asked him if he had pricked her and he said, 'No'. But she later found evidence of ‘blood sprinkles’ on their duvet, which she said her husband tried to hide from her.

During a routine check-up four months later, doctors revealed she was HIV-positive. The woman confronted her husband, who admitted dipping a needle in his blood and pricking her with it.

"All he said was he was sorry. He said, 'I used needles on you because I wanted you to be the same as me so that you can live with me and you won't leave me'," she said.

The husband has admitted wilfully infecting his wife with HIV-positive and faces up to 14 years in jail when he is sentenced at Auckland High Court next year.


American Man Locks Sons In A Car Boot:

In the East, we love our children a great deal and would never do what an American man has done to his own children. He appeared in court in the U.S. state of Massachusetts and was accused of locking his two sons in the boot of his car while he visited a sailing shop.

Fall River police say that Michael Monahan left the children alone in the Pontiac Trans Am for several minutes. He told investigators the children, aged three and six, enjoyed ‘playing’ in there, court records show.

He has pleaded not guilty to two counts of assault and reckless endangerment of a child and was released on bail.

The children are now in the custody of their mother. The boys were spotted in the boot by a man who works in the sailing shop. He later called the police who tracked down the family.

Mr Monahan's lawyer told the Fall River District Court judge that the 35-year-old loved his children. Referring to his client, his lawyer said, "He's extremely distraught about this, your honour." Mr Monahan is due to reappear in court on 19 January.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Al-CIAda Blows Off Student's Jaw

The wonders that the mysterious Al-CIAda is able to perform, never ceases to amaze us. OBL is now suspected of sending his shalwar-qameez clad turbaned agents to Russian with great love.

What the authorities found in the northern Ukrainian city of Konotop was a 25-year man’s disfigured remains at his parent's home. The young man, who studied at Kiev Polytechnic Institute, was working at a computer late on Saturday when the alleged explosion happened.

"A loud pop was heard from the student's room," the Ukranews website said, citing an aide to the city's police chief. "When his relatives entered the room, they saw that the lower part of the young man's face had been blown off."

A forensic examination revealed that the chewing gum he chewed on was covered with an unidentified chemical substance, thought to be some type of explosive material. One could speculate that the material was the infamous plastic explosive called C4 being used so abundantly in Pakistan.

The student apparently had a bizarre habit of chewing gum after dipping it into citric acid, Russian news agency Ria Novosti said. Again, how the shalwar-qameez clad agents were able to brainwash the man into using the explosive material is not our concern; Al-CIAda is doing everything, including warming our globe.

Officers found both citric acid packets and a similar-looking unidentified substance, believed to be some kind of explosive material, on a table near the body. Investigators suspect that the student simply confused the packets and put gum covered with explosive material into his mouth. Forensic experts were to travel from Kiev to investigate the substance, as local authorities feared it might explode if transported.

Now, that kind of confusion confuses us all, does it not? I personally think OBL is somewhere in east Europe, possibly heading for its western part for Christmas.

A Merry Christmas to all.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Who Are Z-Men Who Control Zee Media?

I will say zees again: Chowq is controlled by Z-men (and Q-men) from planet Earth. But who are zay? Watch zee video.

Israel wants US to fight Iran with Twitter:

Never at a loss for words, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Monday told the USA to use Twitter and other social networking sites (Chowq?) to fight against the leadership of archenemy Iran.

“Iran prevents people from freely accessing the Internet,” a senior official quoted him telling parliament’s foreign affairs and defence committee.

Please bear in mind, Netanyahu and New York’s very own, Rudolph ‘Rudy’ W. Giuliani (‘911 exercise’ fame) were both in London when 7/7 (another planned exercise) just happened. Aww ma gawd!

“Using the Internet and Twitter against the Iranian regime is something extraordinary that the United States can do,” he said. Twitter was a favourite media for Iranian demonstrators who had joined opposition protests against the June re-election of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, claiming the vote was fraudulent.

On Monday, protesters gathered in Iran to mark the annual Students Day, with many chanting anti-Ahmadinejad slogans—naturally, they were paid to do just that. Ahead of Monday’s events, the Iranian authorities cut Internet connections and blocked access to several opposition websites—something that the West need not cry about because how Islamic Iran runs itself is Iran’s business.

To pay back the Iranian leadership in the same coin, Israel considers Iran its top enemy. Repeated statements by Ahmadinejad drive the points home that the ‘Jewish state is doomed to be wiped off the map’ and that ‘questioning the scale of the Holocaust’ is not abnormal behaviour.

Israel is widely considered the Middle East’s sole but undeclared nuclear power and it, along with the West suspects Iran of trying to develop atomic weapons under the guise of a civilian nuclear programme. Now, what about the Western atomic kittens selling the same WMD technology to its Christian allies? What is wrong of the Muslims wish to achieve a balance? Of course, what is wrong cannot be discussed here.

I think Yahweh gave Israel the right to obtain everything covertly, and since Allah has clearly spelled it out in:

Qur’an (3:28) LET NOT the believers take those who deny the truth for their allies in preference to the believers (Cf.19) - since he who does this cuts himself off from God in everything - unless it be to protect yourselves against them in this way. (Cf.20) But God warns you to beware of Him: for with God is all journeys' end.

Cf. 19: I.e., in cases where the interests of those "deniers of the truth" clash with the interests of believers (Manar 111, 278). Regarding the deeper implications of the term "allies" (awliya').

Cf. 20: Lit., "unless you fear from them something that is to be feared". Zamakhshari explains this phrase as meaning, "unless you have reason to fear that they might do something which ought to be guarded against" - obviously referring to situations in which "those who deny the truth" are more powerful than the Muslims, and are therefore in a position to damage the latter unless they become their "allies" in a political or moral sense.

In addition, in ...

(4:139) As for those who take the deniers of the truth for their allies in preference to the believers - do they hope to be honoured by them when, behold, all honour belongs to God [alone]? Cf.154

Cf.154: However, the term "allies" (awliya, sing. wali) does not indicate, in this context, merely political alliances. More than anything else, it obviously alludes to a "moral alliance" with the deniers of the truth: that is to say, to an adoption of their way of life in preference to the way of life of the believers, in the hope of being "honoured", or accepted as equals, by the former. Since an imitation of the way of life of confirmed unbelievers must obviously conflict with the moral principles demanded by true faith, it unavoidably leads to a gradual abandonment of those principles.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

U.S. Military in Japan

Four American teenagers, all children of U.S. military personnel, have been arrested on charges of attempted murder after a woman was knocked off her motorbike with rope strung across two poles, Japanese police said.

An 18-year-old man, a 17-year-old girl and two 15-year-old boys were taken into custody on Saturday, the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department said.

They are accused of causing a severe head injury to a 23-year-old restaurant employee by stringing a rope between poles across a road.

U.S. Forces Japan was informed of the August incident in late October, a public information officer said. There was no clear explanation for the delay in the handover of the suspects to police, other than it involved rules between Washington and Tokyo covering U.S. forces and their dependents in Japan.

The U.S. military presence and impact on Japanese residents have been a thorny issue over the years.

In 2008, a 14-year-old Okinawa girl alleged a U.S. Marine raped her. The prosecutor released the Marine after the girl decided not to pursue charges.

In addition, in 1995, three servicemen gang-raped a 12-year-old girl and were found guilty by a Japanese court.
More recently, Okinawa residents have protested, citing crime and noise as nuisances.


My comments:

The U.S. Army men are merely having a nice time in Okinawa—the kind of fun they had when they dropped two atomic bombs on yellow Buddhist Japanese. What is obvious why they did not drop the atomic ‘Little Boy’ and ‘Fat Man’ on white Christian Hitler.

Wherever the U.S. Army goes, destruction and instability follows. Okinawa residents are sick and tired of U.S. troops violating their land and its cultural values. Repeatedly, the residents have tried explaining to the foreign troops that Okinawa is neither Disneyland nor Las Vegas.

The Pharaoh’s army will never listen; one fine morning, it will drown in the Nile of Time.

Monday, 7 December 2009

Matric-Fail Barry’s Sister

Matric-fail Barry’s Sister AKC:

Your comment on Mr Chauhan’s blog ( is truly appalling. Here is the evidence:

Posted by barristerakc on Sunday December 6, 2009 09:43 pm
LOL, smells like tahir or vanguard. It's better to ignore such fools, Salim Bhai.

You are as spineless as Tafa, the London telephone man. How dare you suggest it is I sending personal messages to Mr Chauhan? Do not mix me up with the MI-6 chief, your true puppet-master, whose face you never get to see.

Barry’s Sister AKC, you ought to know me better—but then not knowing me is good for your own health. Earlier, you sent me Eid greetings, addressing me as 'bhai'. I told you earlier that 'bhais' are gangsters; I am not one but your leader is. He will get you all killed in the name of the ‘lacchay-daar’ camp language and the 'poodina' gardens that you left (did you really?) back in India.

Behave yourself and settle your score with me without laughing aloud. Remember, I recently got the last laugh at my so-called fans and opponents.

Lovingly yours


Sunday, 6 December 2009

Of Drone Pimps and Prostitutes

Pakistan cannot oppose US drone strikes in Balochistan as Washington can do “whatever it pleases” because it is “paying money” to the country, Balochistan Governor Zulfiqar Magsi said on Saturday.

Talking to reporters after chairing a seminar at a local hotel, Magsi said Pakistan did not have an option in the matter. “You cannot oppose someone who pays you money. The US is paying money to Pakistan. How can we oppose it? It will do whatever it pleases,” the governor said.

May I ask Mr Magsi, why we cannot oppose the continued destruction of this lovely country, why we cannot say no to sacks of American currency and arms being flown in unchecked, why the sold-out rulers insist on selling us all repeatedly to the same broker of human flesh?

First, we need to say no to foreign aid. This means tightening the belts of our rulers, and not those of the crushed masses. Worthless turncoats occupy our equally worthless provincial assemblies and parliaments; it is they who need to be banished from this country, this move alone could save us billions.

Second, we need to get our act together to form regional power blocks while maintaining only diplomatic relations with those who are not aligned with our national interests—provided we first define what our national interests are. We need good relations with our wall-to-wall neighbours; we do not need a rascal government sitting across the Atlantic implementing the plan of our destruction.

Third, we must oppose the great Allied deception at every level, no matter what the consequences. The masses are not afraid, although they are inundated with wrong utility bills, excessive taxes and shortage of grocery items. All this is a deliberate plan so that the citizens find neither time nor energy to resist those who have borrowed money nationally and internationally at exhorbitant interest rates. It is the rulers who are afraid, not the masses. And it is the defeated rulers who will garland the American troops when they march in to take over large pieces of our land—may that day never come. For now, the people too are busy preparing a garland; a garland of old shoes for those who dream of bloodshed and destruction.

Will we, as Muslims, provide the same excuses to ourselves if the world’s greatest aggressor, America, decides to pays our men money to dance naked in the streets?—an extreme example under such extreme conditions. The time is ripe for us to pray for the destruction of the Pharaoh of our times and decide, finally, that we are not a bottle of peanut butter on an American superstore’s shelf.

Those who have ample experience in the feild of horizontal entertainment say that even prostitutes have principles. The question is, can a nation learn from the aberration of its own society?


There have been “discussions in Congress, and a lot of different places, to expand the area” of drone attacks, the House Armed Services Subcommittee on Terrorism chairman said on Saturday. Adam Smith said he would not provide details, but a US government official said discussions were underway to expand those attacks into Balochistan.

Other officials spoke on condition of anonymity because the drone programme is classified and decisions on the programme are not yet final. The officials said the stepped-up moves against the Taliban networks could extend the air strikes further south, beyond the current target areas in Waziristan and into Balochistan.

US special operations forces are also developing plans to expand their training of Pakistan’s paramilitary Frontier Corps operating in Balochistan.

Please note carefully the plans of taking this American war on error down south into other parts of Pakistan and that of involving our Army to butcher those its has sworn to protect.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Throwing Babies Off Buildings?

I am so happy the Indusian authorities have decided to ban the baby-tossing festival of Bangalore.

This ancient ritual requires babies to be tossed from the top of a nine-metre temple; something we would never do to Pakistani children.

Every first week of December in a rural district in the state of Karnataka, villagers drop babies from the top of a Hindu temple onto a blanket held by a crowd below, amid dancing and singing.

Thousands of people assembled on Wednesday at the temple near Indi in the district of Bijapur to witness the event, which is said to confer good health and a long life on the baby and bring prosperity to the family. But the centuries-old tradition has fallen foul of local authorities.

“As I am new to the district, I did not know about the unusual ritual, which is inhuman and terrifying for babies,” Bijapur deputy commissioner R Shantharaj told AFP by phone from the district, 600 kilometres from state capital Bangalore.

“I intend to prevent the people from indulging in such acts next time.”

Good work DC sahib! I hope the west does not ape the east in using their skyscrappers for the sake increasing life-spans and health of their newborns.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

A New Sport Called 'BanChowqing'

BanChowqing does not mean 'being banned' at Chowq for any apparent reason; it is a dangerous new sport introduced at this yubb-site by the talented Chowq Stuffed. There is only one team in this game; it plays against itself—I am sure you grownups know what, those who play with themselves, are called.

This lonely team comprises of only three persons; remember that three is not a crowd in some activities. One person is the goalkeeper; the other is a hired hand who merely generates the required number of clicks each month, while the third person is a referee. It is all in the family, you see.

When the ball(s) hit the goalpost, the team members shout in unison: BanChowqed! In addition, when the ‘fixed’ match ends, one member presents the silver cup to the second one, while the third one claps happily. This kind of clapping is unique and is well suited to the dangerous new sport called BanChowqing: they just slap themselves over their own faces and imagine it is public applause.

Happy BanChowqing!

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Globalization and Homeland Security

You may stop scratching your heads to find the true meaning of the Globalization. Someone sent me the following definition:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Princess Diana's death

How so?

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzis, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... .

That, my friends, is Globalization.

PS: This message has been brough to you—ta da—by the Chinese!


The department of Homeland Security too has been re-defined!

It is said that 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator for protection.

That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since then, the Federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service". These 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs: "F.A.T.A.S.S."

The FATASS's are supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section.

You will enjoy figuring out the acronym for this particular agency in your spare time!