Lethal Leg-Massage (The Mehsud Way)

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Mrikan officials insist on one thing: that Pakistani Taliban chief Baitullah Mehsud is dead. Their dark Agency responsible for the global security of Mrikans—and insecurity of non-Mrikans—claimed a few days ago that all drone aircrafts assigned to spy on Mehsud finally spotted him. Only this time, instead of showering their asset with Dollars, they used Hellfire missiles to beam him and his Missis up—much like Star Trek’s Scotty—straight to heaven.

But how did they know it was Mehsud? Why, information technology, my friends! They say they saw a short stocky Mehsud on the roof of his father-in-law's home in South Waziristan. Mrikans have now decided that the terrorists they sponsor are not allowed to visit their nearest relatives without seeking permission from their handlers.

Mrs Mehsud—spotted massaging her prized husband’s leg—surely found the drones unsympathetic in their aim. The Agency knew Mehsud had high levels of sugar in the blood, experienced pain in his legs, and often sought relief through massages.

Mriknas have now decided that the terrifying wives of all terrorists will not be allowed to massage any part of their husbands’ bodies in any way that threatens the spread of democracy in the region. All foreplay and conjugal methods are hence illegal. And steps are being taken by Mrikan Congressmen to sponsor at least a few massage parlours in South Waziristan with a bit of technical help from the Thai government.

“No one is expecting Mehsud home for dinner tonight”, a Mrikan official joked. We now know that the do-gooders had authorization from Obama to strike Mehsud if they thought they had him in a tight spot. The Agency moved in quickly and Obama, without interrupting his own dinner, interrupted Mehsud’s banquet forever. The least he could have done was to have waited until Michelle announced Operation Dessert Shield at the White Elephant House’s dinner table.

The White Elephant House’s national security advisor said that Mrika was ‘90 percent sure Baitullah Mehsud had died after a missile strike’. They have very wisely asked AAZ to shed some light in his own words, to our hoodwinked nation, on the remaining ten percent doubt. Jones claimed that ‘the Pakistani government believes Mehsud is dead and all the evidence we have suggests that’.

What our government believes is what the Mrikan government believes; two heads, one body, no soul. As of this writing, there exists confusion over Mr and Mrs Mehsud’s fate and both governments have stopped short of confirming the deaths.

A top Taliban commander, Hakimullah Mehsud, earlier challenged Pakistan to prove that Mehsud was dead, insisting in a telephone call that the warlord was alive but not kicking too well. He said the insurgent group would issue a message in the next three to four days proving Mehsud was still alive, although he is only ‘a bit sick’. He did confirm that Mehsud’s wife died in the drone attack.

All this means that the Taliban would soon send more men with untrimmed facial hair and wearing formal suicide dinner jackets to the federal capitol to avenge a lady who fell to pieces for her husband’s leg-piece.

Quick, all you federal capitolists, get back into your bunkers wearing bulletproof jackets!

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