Sunday, 17 February 2013

Ladenland: The Funniest Place On Earth

Disneyland is bound to lose its appeal in the near future to a very ‘happening’ place. The rival establishment, initially named La-La Land but now officially re-named Ladenland, is destined to be built in serene Abbotabad, a town made infamous by an American night invasion to ‘get’ Osama Bin Laden.

‘Politics is the art of the impossible’ because politicians get away with stunts that are impossible to perform by ordinary mortals. And keeping in mind that ‘politics is the entertainment branch of the military’, Osama Bin Laden created a Molotov cocktail composed of politics, religion and militancy. First, they all groomed him, then used him and abused him, went on to demonize and declare him ‘the most wanted terrorist on earth’, and finally allowed him to live in Abbotabad before mercifully despatching the US Navy Seals’ Team-6 to seal a pending fate. Rogue agents always suffer more in the end. Osama was a marked man because he rebelled against his superiors at the ‘agency’ and the ‘Made in England’ Arab men in white robes.

Officially, OBL does not occupy the top rung of the al-CIAda ladder anymore; he is now a basement resident of the Afghan Sea which itself produces huge tidal waves inside the mountains of Tora Bora. Before Osama could get to Obama, Obama got Osama; now we cannot tell the names apart. Some say the tortured soul of Osama has taken up residence inside a black body inside the White House to implement policies that fuel the towering inferno of Islamophobia.

Do you have a dream?

Everywhere the ruling Machiavellian princes know that peace is unprofitable and, considering the entertaining electronic luxuries the masses have gotten so used to, there seems to be no going back to what were once happier times. Forget what Martin Luther King Jr. dreamed decades ago, instead prepare for how our government, in collusion with other foreign sponsors, is ready to declare the ‘global war on (t)error’ a cottage industry worth investing in. Our photogenic leaders cannot stop terrorism; instead they will turn it into a profitable business model. Defence Savings Certificates will become Offence Erasing Certificates, instead of Prize Bonds we will have Terrorize Bonds, imagine the points our stock markets will gain with such novel schemes.

Speaking of Osama, Zero Dark Thirty is a movie about the hunt for Osama Bin Laden—an infinitely silly production full of depictions of illegal torture, historical inaccuracies and abusive statements about Pakistan. When a female agent is asked what she thinks of Pakistan, she retorts, “Kinda f….d up place.” Or when the cover of CIA’s station-chief in Islamabad is blown, a character theorizes, "ISI f....d you."

Do not give up; read about the wonders our magnificent government has in store for us.

Tourism and sports promotion

In reality it is premature to have Ladenland built, and I will tell you why. The See-Eye-Aye (known as the ‘agency’) waited for three decades after having Che Guevara summarily executed in 1967, ordering his fingers chopped for proper identification and arranging for the remains to be buried secretly. But when his body was discovered the people declared him Saint Ernesto of Bolivia. By contrast, Osama died yesterday and will not have a mausoleum built in his memory but rather have his soul settle for an amusement park dedicated to militancy.

There is one more question we need to ask: in promoting OBL, will we be promoting the Arab way of disagreement with America? Whatever might be the true answer to that hypothetical question, only two choices exist for our politicians: plant insanely apologetic kisses on the cheeks our ‘brothers’ or amuse them to death with Ladenland amusement park.

As far as the idea of erecting a gigantic statue of OBL at the park’s entrance is concerned, the authorities are undecided about whether to place in its left hand an AK47 or the American constitution with 2011 inscribed on it. There is no denying the fact that we do need a believer’s sculpture to compete with the statue of Liberty in New York. Interestingly, Libertas, a pagan Roman goddess, was popular amongst emancipated slaves of Rome. Small wonder the ‘civilized’ western countries use pagan female figures to represent themselves. England uses only Britannia, France prefers Marianne and Libertas, but America first flirted with a native Indian princess and after a ‘complicated’ relationship with Columbia, settled for Miss Libertas.

CNN and other media parrots have shown so many doctored videos of OBL, nobody remembers what he truly looked like except his handlers. Hence, we might end up having the statue of a double agent’s own double at the main gate. In any case, the park will have seventy-two smaller gates, each manned by a fully armed virgin.

They claim the 50-acre park will take eight years to complete which is impossible because nothing lasts for one and a half government tenures in Pakistan. Both the ‘greatest country in the world’ and the Khakis will have itchy fingers if such civility is uninterrupted by a democratically-sanctioned dictatorship. The reason our widowed President got away with completing his five-year tenure is that his sponsors wished to cause maximum damage to the ‘fort of Islam’ that his late wife gifted him two seconds before being attacked by her own SUV’s sunroof.

The sole aim of the province-wide tourism and amusement promotion is similar to that depicted in the movie ‘Borat: cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan’. The project is fully private-public and will cost only $30 million which is a small price to pay to improve the image of Abbottabad where Osama Bin Laden was ‘killed’ the American way on May Day, 2011. It would probably cost fewer dollars to improve the image of our entire country.

Before the Abbotabad raid, Washington insinuated that the PMA (Pakistan Military Academy) was an amusement park because less than a kilometre away from it lived their disgruntled asset. Now that our pretty Foreign Minister has had the status of the PMA restored by the ‘US and A’, we are being pushed into building an amusement park over the rubble of the OBL compound in order to destroy the forensic evidence of coordinated wrongdoing. There was a time when people flocked to see Osama’s most wanted villa, then the visits dwindled but now with Project Ladenland firmly in the pipeline, expect to witness large crowds shouting hallelujah for Obama and Allahu Akbar for Osama.

Water, electricity and natural gas be collectively damned, we all want more bemusement through amusement. The five-stage scheme envisages a water sports complex in Khanpur-Haripur, tourism in Naran-Kaghan, and an amusing park in Abbottabad. The government insists that twenty per cent of what it will earn through such projects will be lavished on the respective area’s development; what will become of the remaining eighty per cent is best left unsaid.

Let us now preview the promised attractions of Ladenland.

A zoo

The world’s smallest zoo is expected to have only one animal in it which is not an endangered species in Pakistan: the mighty Sycophant. Visitors will get to ogle at it for hours, feed it with hollow compliments, and utter all kinds of unkind words behind its back because a rather large rear is all it has with nothing visible up front. Due to security reasons, lions and hares will not be housed in the same compound because of the Sycophant’s inclination to hunt with the former and run with the latter. The wretched animal will have many political cages around it to entertain the public with its natural skills of party-hopping, loyalty-selling and about-facing.

An adventure club

Pakistan is Marlboro country right now, an adventure club for crème de la crème of agencies with unsmiling ‘Intel Inside’. With no natural gas to heat our homes, not much of electricity in the dead of winter, and bomb-blasts and shootings obliterating the citizens, let us enquire from the Chief Justice how much more adventure can we legally have? Will foreign visitors to Ladenland experience the joy of being without all the utilities and relish wasting their lives in long queues to pay fake inflated bills?


Alas, this sport is no more. Visitors will not be able to glide without detection into the lush lawns of the Pakistan Military Academy during the institution’s working hours. The true thrill will be a newly invented sport called paradigm-shifting, which is believed to be far more adrenalizing than paragliding.


Food outlets will not cater to desires such as ‘eat all you can for $10’. Due to security reasons—and our beloved Interior Minister has given us zillions of such reasons—instead of printed menus they will have obfuscating oral summaries of what might be truly ‘cooking’ in the kitchen cabinet. Eatables will never be mentioned by name; only veiled references will be made to their existence by effeminate dancing boys from Bannu. There will be absolutely no restriction on people wishing to eat, drink and marry.


Water will fall in totally unexpected ways. Here instructors imported from Guantanamo Bay will demonstrate the techniques spotlighted in the acclaimed global best-seller ‘Water-boarding Techniques for Dummies’. DVDs of extracted fairy-tale confessions
using enhanced interrogation techniques (good old torture), of mock trials and happy-meal executions will be sold at the gift-shop.

The Rides

How can Disneyland be ‘the happiest place on earth’ when Ladenland can be the funniest? We know how non-stop and exhilarating the various behemoth rides are in Disneyland but Ladenland promise all-new rides that will stop dead in their orbits or tracks during electricity load-shedding. The quality of fun associated with intermittent electrical power will be purely heart-breaking.

Expect a political roller-coaster of immense proportions that will allow riders to feel souring and warming of relationships with the world’s sole policeman, colonial masters, financial hoodwinkers and economic hit-men.

A shooting gallery will allow visitors to shoot themselves—you guessed it—in the feet and then blame it all on the ‘chosen people’.

A giant Ferris wheel with more wheels in it will allow the masses to catch a glimpse of how all governments truly operate.

Dodge ‘Em cars will enable drivers to experience the sort of escape routes that many noted Blackwater killers took to dodge our security agencies.

A merry go-round will allow merrymakers to go around a statue of George W. Bush. As an added attraction, the public will get to stone the high-profile devil.

Heritage Centre 

Heritage means ‘something inherited from the past’ and not incessantly dreaming of Muslim glory in medieval Spain, living in the past or insisting that God will help us in the near future even if we did not help ourselves. There is no end to our national follies. If one looked around today, whatever little heritage the masses once had has been usurped by the authorities. The worst example of this is the outlawing of the annual spring kite-flying festival in the province of Punjab. Now nobody can tell an elected representative to go fly a kite.

The post-9/11 heritage is an imported one: of killing those who disagree with religious or political views and of blowing up those who oppose terrorism and extremism. In Ladenland’s museum expect to see meticulous displays of designer suicide jackets that will spoil any party, ball-bearing collections, vending machines of IEDs (improvised explosive devices), miswaak collections (twigs of certain trees such as peelu or olive that have been used by Muslims for centuries to clean their teeth), and lota collections (a utensil for washing the hindquarters without resorting to wiping it all with just toilet paper).

The planners have already waxed eloquent about having a Madame Tussauds’ like museum for displaying life-size wax sculptures of noted international terrorists, financial criminals and political animals. 

Running tracks

Running is serious business. Famous ‘pardoned’ criminals will show how to evade the iron hand of the law, the law-enforcers will demonstrate how to dodge the terrorists’ bullets, and NRO-certified crooks will demonstrate how to evade the Chief Justice’s Suo Moto actions.

In conclusion

How can Hollywood claim it entertains when it only projects Washington’s deadly plans in action-thriller movies? Sending their ‘boys’ into the jungles and mountains of Japan, Vietnam, Korea, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Libya and just about every other country on the globe may secure natural resources for wasteful Americans but such acts also make their hedonistic way of life not loved but truly hated.

Why is it alright for governments to commit treasonous acts but never stand trials? Are laws made to protect the people or their overbearing governments? Washington insists her killer remote-controlled drones save American lives, her assassinations are legal, and that no wrong is ever done in global hunts for suspects. God’s Eternal Law states that His wrath visits nations that attempt to impersonate Him on earth.

In conclusion, the only way to achieve progress, attract foreign investment, and generate jobs in one’s hometown might be to shelter an internationally wanted person, and then betray him to the masterminds of the global war of (t)error. Of course, it is a preposterous idea but it is an idea whose time has finally come.

©Tahir Gul Hasan, 2013

For your reading pleasure:
Hotel Abbotabadia (a song parody of ‘Hotel California’ by the American country-rock band, Eagles) 
Osama Bin Laden: Letter To The American People 
Al-Qaeda: What Is It, Where Is It? (Part-I)
Pakistan plans ‘amusement city’ for bin Laden town 
For photos copied from various sources, I thank the original photographers.