Wearing Used Condoms With Style

The last blog I wrote, Hunt For 2 Million Red Condoms, was a huge success. We saw how the Chowq ladies stayed away from commenting on a subject traditionally considered taboo. In the comments section we also felt the undesirable presence of those who prefer dying a thousand deaths daily because of their opposition to truth and talent; they are doomed to exist as forgettable ever-changing nicknames in cyberspace.

As if the missing 2 million red condoms were not enough to cause heartbreaks in China, I dug up from my archives, a news item from November 2007 that speaks of the stretchable piece of private apparel being used for purposes other than to help advanced western nations right-size their population. I suspect that men who dream of downsizing God’s creation in unnatural ways face demanding wives who want the opposite of it: upsizing in the bedrooms.

Only two years ago, the clever Chinese manufacturers took a giant leap backwards and decided to use stockpiles of spent peoples’ power—discarded condoms—to create for the pleasure of the ladies, hair-bands and hairclips. In the same year, the globalized village experienced the shock of watching their children play with toxic Chinese toys. The press, always on the lookout for such peaks, came down heavily on our communist cousins once the destructive effects of recycled plastic became public knowledge.

Now, how did the eager Chinese manufacturers think of this scheme, leave alone implement it with assured success? Alas, we will never know the whole truth but understanding a few fine points will help those considering walking in the Chinese footsteps. One must possess an iron will to turn rubber condoms into rubber hair-bands and hairclips. Next, set up an elaborate collection system of discarded condoms, complete with an army of CEOs (condom extraction officers). Finally, start a secret factory with giant cooking pots in which to boil the rubber soup made from unwashed and non-sterilized condoms, and a variety of hair-bands and clips moulds.

The smart Chinese businessmen saw that, once recycled, a bag of ten environmentally unfriendly hairclips and hair-bands fetched money quickly in the local markets and beauty salons of Dongguan and Guangzhou cities in southern Guangdong province.

Now, it is through such scandals of poor business ethics that Chinese exports continue to suffer bans that repeatedly tarnish the country’s image abroad. But can used condoms, turned into hair-bands and hairclips, spread sexually transmittable diseases, something that the former were originally designed to prevent? The answer to that question (gulp) is yes.

The future of nearly half the world’s population—women—is in grave danger because they love low-priced colourful rubber bands and hair ties. Wives are in danger of dying—thanks to recycled condoms—not of transmitted diseases but of germs that live on such contraband hair-bands and hairclips.

Let us now look at how a happily married woman might embrace death—instead of embracing her husband—if she used Chinese products. Forget Animal Planet or National Geographic, watching ladies neatly tie up their hair is one of the most wonderful sights of Nature. I am not ashamed to admit that I still indulge in bird watching whenever such opportunities present themselves—and opportunities abundantly present themselves to me. Humming a tune, a woman will first brush her hair in long strokes, then hold the lock firmly with one hand and finally, with great effortlessness, slip on a hair tie or a clip over it. The sad part of this lovely exercise is that she will hold the hair tie between her lips.

That is the culprit then! Such hair ties, clips or bands—despite being recycled—could still contain bacteria and viruses. We know what novel methods the Chinese government devises to reduce its population, but to have such unclean items in our stores is unforgivable import policy. When I solicited the local preacher’s views on the matter, he seemed totally convinced that transmittable sexual diseases would never touch any of us because all believers would abstain from indiscriminate illegal sexual activities, nobody would use condoms because their use equals murder, and none would dare transform used condoms into hairclips and hair-bands.

While those were the views of a patriot and an unauthorized spokesman of God, a local dermatologist confided in me, “People could be infected with AIDS, warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while weaving their hair into plaits or buns”.

That is it then. Banish the unclean items from your dressers and cupboards. Never buy cheap accessories, and purchase only branded items. In the not-too-distant future, dressing rooms might sport special processors—much like food processors—that will safely sterilize and then magically turn used condoms into beautiful hair bands and clips.