The Hunt for 2 Million Red Condoms

The anti-abortionists will rejoice hearing this bit of news: the Chinese police in central China have closed a factory that produced fake and unsterile condoms—as if everything that comes from that land is original and virile.

For the benefit of young impressionless minds, I will define what a condom is: it is a contraption used for the sole intention of prevention of fertilization that might lead to hospitalization of a conceiver nine months later. If you have ever heard your father or mother complain, ‘You were a mistake’, make no mistake; this is THE thing whose absence let you gush forth to add one more soul to the world.

Poor manufacturing techniques be damned, imagine how many babies might have been born in China as a direct result of leaky counterfeit condoms? It is a land where official killing squads ask mothers to have their unborn babies provide companionship to chairman Mao up in communist heaven. Practically every child born in China spends his or her life living without uncles, aunts, brothers or sisters. China is an economic giant whose citizens live the lonely lives of hard-working dwarfs; parents, colleagues and friends are all one clings to up until death.

So, has the age of branded condoms finally arrived? Will we see famous brand names on such disposable anti-life items? The following are some of the possibilities:

1. Gucci will sell the thing as ‘Gucci Goo’
2. Hugo Boss as ‘Huge No-Loss’
3. Louis Vuitton as ‘Lovey With Her’
4. Ralph Lauren as ‘Real Flooring’
5. Fruit of the Loom as ‘Fruit of the Groom’
6. Armani as ‘Err-Manly’
7. Max Factor as (of course) ‘Max Factor’
8. Gillette as ‘Triple Senseless’
9. Chiclettes as ‘Let the Chicks’

Moreover, will each pack prominently display a warning from the Surgeon General: ‘Too much sex makes your eyes go screwy’?

The Chinese police are tracking down over two million ‘unsafe’ contraceptives that have found their way in very happening bedrooms and the bouncy backseats of locally manufactured cars. What a sex-starved market and what a job the police must do! To snatch away a condom sachet from one’s hand is a simple feat, but to pull off such an item from an unmentionable part of the human anatomy is unforgiveable sexual Nazism.

The suspected ‘global war on error’ condoms, made in a factory in Hunan province, were sold nationwide under a variety of names, including those of well-known makers such as Jissbon and Durex. The counterfeiter cared neither about global reputations nor for revenue, which the original brand manufacturers claimed they lost to the copycats.

The police have detained a suspect, manufacturer Li Anping, who allegedly bought condoms wholesale, added an unknown lubricant and crudely packaged them without sterilising the product, the report said.

I never thought they sold prevention wholesale. A very real danger exists; those who believe in ‘wholesale’ horizontal entertainment will, from now on, find wholesale suppliers to keep overheads down with this explanation: ‘These are economically depressed times. Why not save and contribute to Earth’s pink shade if not to its greenery?’ I now have a fresh view out of the window of life. Happy is the generation that Latex could not stop, and which was not born in hospitals the Caesarean way.

Speaking of lubricants, what lubricant did dear Li Anping use?—engine oil for more mileage: WD40 to banish squeakiness: crude oil that sells for $77.32 a barrel: what? Will a good Supreme Court judge declare crudely packaging the condoms for a covert activity that demands great finesse ‘a social crime’? We can safely assume that pure capitalism prompted Li to commit such a dastardly act.

The ‘global war on error’ squad also found several underage girls working in Li’s factory that produced up to 2.16 million condoms before it was sealed. I shudder at the thought of Li doling out to the poor girls sub-standard condoms, instead of paying them in Chinese currency.

Fake and faulty products remain a headache for Chinese authorities as unscrupulous manufacturers rush to create huge profits out of their current economic boom. My regret is that most Chinese products are poorly built. When I think of China, I fantasize the rubbery condom receiving nothing but hard hammering from men wearing Mao caps in a steel mill. The condom is now on the endangered utilities’ list, and the state of lovely affairs will produce, for the World Health Organisation and the pro-abortionists, a great migraine that will not go away ant time soon.

MY FOOT notes:

GWOT is actually GWOE (global war on error)

Yuan: Chinese currency whose name is considered ‘most objectionable’ by those raised in the ‘land of the five rivers’.

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Read other ARTICLES and BLOGS by the author. The reason he is frequently banned on Chowq is because he (1) posts rebuttals to anti-Islam atheists (2) counters their anti-Pakistan propaganda (3) shows how the American ‘wet dream’ is drying up globally (4) opposes sponsored 'favourite' writers’ debauched views, and satirizes them