Woman Faces Sex For Noisy Jail

Actually, the title is ‘Woman risks jail for noisy sex’.

Today we shall examine the case of a woman whose noisy lovemaking sessions have been officially branded ‘anti-social behaviour’.

An English court has ruled that ‘she is liable to find herself behind bars if she fails to stop excessively loud lovemaking’. Caroline Cartwright has been handed an eight-week prison term suspended for 12 months—this means if she indulges in noisy expressions of pleasure one more time, she will immediately be sent to the jail.

Judge Beatrice Bolton at Newcastle Crown Court said, “I've heard a very short extract of the noise you make and can well see that your neighbours would be upset and distressed by this.”

Cartwright was served with a civil order over marathon lovemaking sessions with husband (thank God for that) Steve. Their antics were declared ‘unnatural and like they are both in considerable pain.’ Neighbours at their home in Washington, south of Newcastle, had complained about the noise—as did passers-by and the poor postman.

Although Cartwright was served with an anti-social behaviour order, she admitted earlier to having violated it. At an earlier hearing, the court learnt that the local council set up special equipment in a neighbour's flat and recorded noise levels of 30-40 decibels, peaking at 47—as loud as a conversation in the same room.

Cartwright told the court she had tried to restrain herself.

"I did not understand why people asked me to be quiet because to me it is normal," she said, adding: "I have tried to minimise the situation by having sex in the morning—not at night—so the noise was not waking up anybody. I may be sympathetic to it, but it is not something I am doing on purpose."

In our part of the civilized world (remember, we were civilized long before the colonialist Europeans came along to civilize us some more), we do not produce objectionable noises while being passionate even in the oppressive summers; this talent truly comes to us from across the cold continent.

I believe what Caroline Cartwright meant was that indulging in noisy lovemaking is freedom of expression, freedom of free speech etcetera. Thank heavens we are not told exactly what she shouted, and whether she preferred her mother tongue to hollering in some European or a Far Eastern language. Who knows, she might have shouted in Chinese or Punjabi. I have reason to believe that listening to too much Bhangra music and having loads of curries in old England might have turned her into a noisy student of all things Punjabi.

Now, let us suppose that even if one had an inspiring figure like Mrs Cartwright living in the neighbourhood, a good Eastern husband would never complain to the authorities.

Remember, we allow latitude, show great tolerance and let passionate cries be—well—passionate cries. Why would anyone in the East brand noisy love therapy sessions as anti-social behaviour disorder or anything of the kind?

Recall how American wrestling proceeds with its awful makeup, the overfed wrestlers, the hype, the fake screaming and the ‘fixed’ matches. This is how it is there, all make belief.

In the East, we never stoop to measuring sound levels of our darlings (wives, of course) with decibel meters; we just let them be. In fact, so quiet are we that partners must sometimes assess what the silence was all about. As a matter of courtesy to the children in the other room—if not to the aging parents—Eastern couples speak into each other’s ears in whispers while in bed; sometimes they do not speak at all.