Sunday, 27 December 2009

Shania “Shunno” Twain: The Perfect Face!

Scientists believe they have worked out the dimensions of the most attractive female face; this is one discovery that will soon make the masses forget about the G-WOE (global war of error).

While we have our geographical features re-arranged by the American and Allied make-up artists who are quite busy in the war theatre, the discoverers of beauty say the key to the ideal arrangement of female facial features is the measurements between the eyes, mouth and ears.

Now put that silly measuring tape down and do not chase after your beloved; the reason the other woman looks perfect is that one never involves oneself in measuring one’s spouse. In the East, we neither measure a man by his worth in Dollars, nor a woman by her bodily or facial measurements the researchers say are important. When Eastern men fall in love, they do so with their heart and soul, and not, as most Western men do, through the love muscle. As for the distances between a spouse’s facial features, allow me to warn as a man that these may change drastically since they wholly depend upon how convincing or how lame a husband’s excuses might be.

The men in white coats applied their results to the Canadian pop singer, Shania Twain, and rated her as having the perfect visage. It is case of having bad luck that Robert John “Mutt” Lange, the legendary rock music producer for AC/DC and Def Leppard, heard about this scientific discovery a bit too late. The couple separated and then divorced and Mutt, seventeen years older to Shania, will continue his affair with their friend and house manager Marie-Anne Thiébaud. For the sake of general knowledge, the term Mutt means a dog that has characteristics of two or more breeds, a mongrel.

The study, led by the University of Toronto, appears in the journal Vision Research. Please bear in mind that Shania Twain (born as Eilleen Regina Edwards on 28 August, 1965) also hails from Canada. The researchers asked students to rate the attractiveness of colour photographs of the same woman's face, laid out side by side. Using Photoshop, they altered the vertical distance between the eyes and mouth, and the horizontal distance between the eyes in each image. The features themselves never changed, just the distance between them did, while they compared the woman's face to herself.

Following a series of experiments, the researchers came up with the most attractive length and width ratios between features. On length, the distance between a woman's eyes and mouth should be just over a third or 36%, of the overall length of her face, from hairline to chin. For width, they calculated that the space between a woman's pupils should be just under half, or 46%, of the width of her face from ear to ear.

Fortunately, the researchers calculated that these ratios corresponded to an average face and that the women who did not fit the ‘perfect dimensions’ had no need to resort to fashionable plastic surgery, although hairstyles could be used in effect to create an optical illusion.

Lead researcher Professor Kang Lee said the face of actress and renowned beauty Angelina Jolie did not fit the golden ratio for either length or width. I offer my condolences to ex-president Musharraf who shook Angelina’s hand like a true commando while Brad Pitt conveniently looked out of the presidency’s window.

British actress Elizabeth Hurley scored well on the golden ratio for length, and just missed out the width measurement. Nevertheless, divorcee Shania Twain, 44, whose hits include ‘Man, I feel like a woman!’ eclipsed both the women. The results suggest her face has a perfect set of geometric measurements.

However, the study looked only at white women, and the researchers admit their findings were inapplicable to other groups such as the Chinese and the Africans. Professor David Perrett, of the perception lab at St Andrew's University, said the physical dimensions of a face provided many clues about the health and fertility of the owner. He said men tended to be attracted to female faces that were young and feminine—probably because they suggested heightened fertility.

He also said the distance between features was probably less important than the appearance of the features themselves. For instance, a man was likely to be attracted by big eyes, rather than by the fact that they were a certain distance apart.

Enough of this geometry; forget for a moment what the good professor said, and allow me to recall where I first saw Shania’s ‘perfect face’.

I was in Paris on a business trip. Bored and alone one afternoon, I started to switch television channels looking for something English. Then suddenly the MTV logo appeared. I stopped because Shania Twain’s song ‘This Moment On’ was on air. When it finished, I took a cold shower and then quickly left the hotel room for a brisk walk on Avenue des Champs-Élysées. I was afraid to return to the hotel room lest Shania leapt at me through the television screen. From that moment on, she was not Shania but Shunno to me.

Monsieurs and Mademoiselles, Shunno’s video bowled me clean for a duck; the following were some of the salient features:

1) The modesty of her ‘hijab’ attracted me a great deal.

2) The dress was flashy yet showed only the desired amount of flesh.

3) She was bare-footed, which meant she could outpace the most fleet-footed male.

4) The colour of her eyes—assuming she wore no coloured contact lenses—was almost the same as that of my eyes, and this common something meant a great deal

5) The lyrics were as good as my Bollywood song parodies.

6) The melody flowed beautifully just as her dress’s tail flowed.

7) She used her eyebrows to great effect, and which deeply affected me once I returned to the country of my origin.

There was more that I noticed but I think it will be fair if I allowed you to see the video of the song to judge for yourselves what I mean.

Video of unplugged version of (with Alison Krauss and Union Station):
‘From This Moment’

Original video

The original song (not downloadable)
The same song: 'HD' version

No comments: