Wearing Used Condoms With Style

The last blog I wrote, Hunt For 2 Million Red Condoms, was a huge success. We saw how the Chowq ladies stayed away from commenting on a subject traditionally considered taboo. In the comments section we also felt the undesirable presence of those who prefer dying a thousand deaths daily because of their opposition to truth and talent; they are doomed to exist as forgettable ever-changing nicknames in cyberspace.

As if the missing 2 million red condoms were not enough to cause heartbreaks in China, I dug up from my archives, a news item from November 2007 that speaks of the stretchable piece of private apparel being used for purposes other than to help advanced western nations right-size their population. I suspect that men who dream of downsizing God’s creation in unnatural ways face demanding wives who want the opposite of it: upsizing in the bedrooms.

Only two years ago, the clever Chinese manufacturers took a giant leap backwards and decided to use stockpiles of spent peoples’ power—discarded condoms—to create for the pleasure of the ladies, hair-bands and hairclips. In the same year, the globalized village experienced the shock of watching their children play with toxic Chinese toys. The press, always on the lookout for such peaks, came down heavily on our communist cousins once the destructive effects of recycled plastic became public knowledge.

Now, how did the eager Chinese manufacturers think of this scheme, leave alone implement it with assured success? Alas, we will never know the whole truth but understanding a few fine points will help those considering walking in the Chinese footsteps. One must possess an iron will to turn rubber condoms into rubber hair-bands and hairclips. Next, set up an elaborate collection system of discarded condoms, complete with an army of CEOs (condom extraction officers). Finally, start a secret factory with giant cooking pots in which to boil the rubber soup made from unwashed and non-sterilized condoms, and a variety of hair-bands and clips moulds.

The smart Chinese businessmen saw that, once recycled, a bag of ten environmentally unfriendly hairclips and hair-bands fetched money quickly in the local markets and beauty salons of Dongguan and Guangzhou cities in southern Guangdong province.

Now, it is through such scandals of poor business ethics that Chinese exports continue to suffer bans that repeatedly tarnish the country’s image abroad. But can used condoms, turned into hair-bands and hairclips, spread sexually transmittable diseases, something that the former were originally designed to prevent? The answer to that question (gulp) is yes.

The future of nearly half the world’s population—women—is in grave danger because they love low-priced colourful rubber bands and hair ties. Wives are in danger of dying—thanks to recycled condoms—not of transmitted diseases but of germs that live on such contraband hair-bands and hairclips.

Let us now look at how a happily married woman might embrace death—instead of embracing her husband—if she used Chinese products. Forget Animal Planet or National Geographic, watching ladies neatly tie up their hair is one of the most wonderful sights of Nature. I am not ashamed to admit that I still indulge in bird watching whenever such opportunities present themselves—and opportunities abundantly present themselves to me. Humming a tune, a woman will first brush her hair in long strokes, then hold the lock firmly with one hand and finally, with great effortlessness, slip on a hair tie or a clip over it. The sad part of this lovely exercise is that she will hold the hair tie between her lips.

That is the culprit then! Such hair ties, clips or bands—despite being recycled—could still contain bacteria and viruses. We know what novel methods the Chinese government devises to reduce its population, but to have such unclean items in our stores is unforgivable import policy. When I solicited the local preacher’s views on the matter, he seemed totally convinced that transmittable sexual diseases would never touch any of us because all believers would abstain from indiscriminate illegal sexual activities, nobody would use condoms because their use equals murder, and none would dare transform used condoms into hairclips and hair-bands.

While those were the views of a patriot and an unauthorized spokesman of God, a local dermatologist confided in me, “People could be infected with AIDS, warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while weaving their hair into plaits or buns”.

That is it then. Banish the unclean items from your dressers and cupboards. Never buy cheap accessories, and purchase only branded items. In the not-too-distant future, dressing rooms might sport special processors—much like food processors—that will safely sterilize and then magically turn used condoms into beautiful hair bands and clips.

The Hunt for 2 Million Red Condoms

The anti-abortionists will rejoice hearing this bit of news: the Chinese police in central China have closed a factory that produced fake and unsterile condoms—as if everything that comes from that land is original and virile.

For the benefit of young impressionless minds, I will define what a condom is: it is a contraption used for the sole intention of prevention of fertilization that might lead to hospitalization of a conceiver nine months later. If you have ever heard your father or mother complain, ‘You were a mistake’, make no mistake; this is THE thing whose absence let you gush forth to add one more soul to the world.

Poor manufacturing techniques be damned, imagine how many babies might have been born in China as a direct result of leaky counterfeit condoms? It is a land where official killing squads ask mothers to have their unborn babies provide companionship to chairman Mao up in communist heaven. Practically every child born in China spends his or her life living without uncles, aunts, brothers or sisters. China is an economic giant whose citizens live the lonely lives of hard-working dwarfs; parents, colleagues and friends are all one clings to up until death.

So, has the age of branded condoms finally arrived? Will we see famous brand names on such disposable anti-life items? The following are some of the possibilities:

1. Gucci will sell the thing as ‘Gucci Goo’
2. Hugo Boss as ‘Huge No-Loss’
3. Louis Vuitton as ‘Lovey With Her’
4. Ralph Lauren as ‘Real Flooring’
5. Fruit of the Loom as ‘Fruit of the Groom’
6. Armani as ‘Err-Manly’
7. Max Factor as (of course) ‘Max Factor’
8. Gillette as ‘Triple Senseless’
9. Chiclettes as ‘Let the Chicks’

Moreover, will each pack prominently display a warning from the Surgeon General: ‘Too much sex makes your eyes go screwy’?

The Chinese police are tracking down over two million ‘unsafe’ contraceptives that have found their way in very happening bedrooms and the bouncy backseats of locally manufactured cars. What a sex-starved market and what a job the police must do! To snatch away a condom sachet from one’s hand is a simple feat, but to pull off such an item from an unmentionable part of the human anatomy is unforgiveable sexual Nazism.

The suspected ‘global war on error’ condoms, made in a factory in Hunan province, were sold nationwide under a variety of names, including those of well-known makers such as Jissbon and Durex. The counterfeiter cared neither about global reputations nor for revenue, which the original brand manufacturers claimed they lost to the copycats.

The police have detained a suspect, manufacturer Li Anping, who allegedly bought condoms wholesale, added an unknown lubricant and crudely packaged them without sterilising the product, the report said.

I never thought they sold prevention wholesale. A very real danger exists; those who believe in ‘wholesale’ horizontal entertainment will, from now on, find wholesale suppliers to keep overheads down with this explanation: ‘These are economically depressed times. Why not save and contribute to Earth’s pink shade if not to its greenery?’ I now have a fresh view out of the window of life. Happy is the generation that Latex could not stop, and which was not born in hospitals the Caesarean way.

Speaking of lubricants, what lubricant did dear Li Anping use?—engine oil for more mileage: WD40 to banish squeakiness: crude oil that sells for $77.32 a barrel: what? Will a good Supreme Court judge declare crudely packaging the condoms for a covert activity that demands great finesse ‘a social crime’? We can safely assume that pure capitalism prompted Li to commit such a dastardly act.

The ‘global war on error’ squad also found several underage girls working in Li’s factory that produced up to 2.16 million condoms before it was sealed. I shudder at the thought of Li doling out to the poor girls sub-standard condoms, instead of paying them in Chinese currency.

Fake and faulty products remain a headache for Chinese authorities as unscrupulous manufacturers rush to create huge profits out of their current economic boom. My regret is that most Chinese products are poorly built. When I think of China, I fantasize the rubbery condom receiving nothing but hard hammering from men wearing Mao caps in a steel mill. The condom is now on the endangered utilities’ list, and the state of lovely affairs will produce, for the World Health Organisation and the pro-abortionists, a great migraine that will not go away ant time soon.

MY FOOT notes:

GWOT is actually GWOE (global war on error)

Yuan: Chinese currency whose name is considered ‘most objectionable’ by those raised in the ‘land of the five rivers’.

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Read other ARTICLES and BLOGS by the author. The reason he is frequently banned on Chowq is because he (1) posts rebuttals to anti-Islam atheists (2) counters their anti-Pakistan propaganda (3) shows how the American ‘wet dream’ is drying up globally (4) opposes sponsored 'favourite' writers’ debauched views, and satirizes them

I Could Eat Them RAW

This is a rebuttal to what Pavocavalry wrote in his latest ilog (http://www.chowk.com/ilogs/74595/47736):

"There is no Jewish or US or Indian Conspiracy....there is no conspiracy by foreigner..."

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Prince Albert's Very Own (PAVO-cavalry):

I have reason to believe that this yubb-site has been taken over (coup d'état) by senile retired RAW majors gone communist. Surely, you are not one of them but whose side are you on and why are you spewing out such venom while living abroad?

That none are working against Pakistan and Islam but are rather in their garden, innocently dipping biscuits in English cups of tea, is a thought that can only come to the mind of a madman who has damaged major portions of his brain by stomping his heels while parading up and down a destructive path.

I believe Nawab Mirza Mohammad Sirajud Dawla—whom the Red Coats called ‘Sir Roger Dowlett’ because they could not pronounce his name—died in his Jacuzzi. Is it correct that he did not mind the British politico-military presence in Bengal represented by the British East India Company? Why do Muslims today abhor the American-British coalition’s presence in our countries?

Notice how Western-controlled information on this Muslim freedom-fighter is distorted beyond recognition (see Wikipedia’s http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siraj_ud-Daulah) and is accompanied with a silly notice that claims ‘The neutrality of this section is disputed’. How fair are the fair ones!

What Lord Robert Clive (Siraj’s opponent) lorded over and how much of an English gentle man he really was, few will ever bother finding out. May Allah keep (Syed) Mir Jaffar (Ghaddaar-e-Hind: the traitor of India), in hell forever for deceiving Nawab Sirajud Dawla and surrendering his army in battlefield against Robert Clive.

May Allah keep this traitor in hell along with rich bankers Jagat Seth, Umi Chand and the former Diwan, Rai Durlabh; all minions of the British East India Company. These days we have the World Bank, the IMF and our resident traitors bent upon destroying humankind from within. May Allah condemn Robert Clive to stabbing himself repeatedly to die a billion deaths (Clive stabbed himself to death with a penknife, although the suicide has been linked to his history of depression and to opium addiction).

"A great prince was dependent on my pleasure, an opulent city lay at my mercy; its richest bankers bid against each other for my smiles; I walked through vaults which were thrown open to me alone, piled on either hand with gold and jewels! Mr. Chairman, at this moment I stand astonished at my own moderation."
—Baron Robert Clive, commenting on accusations of looting the Bengal treasury after Plassey, at his impeachment trial in 1773.

"It is possible to mention men who have owed great worldly prosperity to breaches of private faith; but we doubt whether it is possible to mention a state which has on the whole been a gainer by a breach of public faith."
—Thomas Babington, Lord Macaulay, later British Secretary at War, who condemned Clive's actions.

The following were the terms of the ‘Diwani and Dual government In Bengal’ agreed between the new Nawab (Mir Jaffar) and the East India Company:

1. Confirmation of the mint, and all other grants and privileges in the Alinagar treaty with the late Nawab.
2. An alliance, offensive and defensive, against all enemies whatever.
3. The French factories and effects to be delivered up, and they never permitted to resettle in any of the three provinces.
4. 100 lacs of rupees to be paid to the Company, in consideration of their losses at Calcutta and the expenses of the campaign.
5. 50 lacs to be given to the British sufferers at the loss of Calcutta
6. 20 lacs to Gentoos, Moors, & black sufferers at the loss of Calcutta.
7. 7 lacs to the Armenian sufferers. These three last donations to be distributed at the pleasure of the Admiral and gentlemen of Council.
8. The entire property of all lands within the Mahratta ditch, which runs round Calcutta, to be vested in the Company: also, six hundred yards, all round, without, the said ditch.
9. The Company to have the zemindary of the country to the south of Calcutta, lying between the lake and river, and reaching as far as Culpee, they paying the customary rents paid by the former zemindars to the government.
10. Whenever the assistance of the British troops shall be wanted, their extraordinary charges to be paid by the Nawab.
11. No forts to be erected by the Nawab's government on the river side, from Hooghley downwards.

In addition, PAVO, did Sultan Fateh Ali Tipu (Tipu Sultan) slip and die in his shower? I believe, the British were in India only to enjoy a family picnic when Tipu disturbed them—right?

Notice that Wikipedia, so popular these days amongst liberal minds, does NOT mention Mir Sadiq, the traitor who betrayed Tipu Sultan to the British; this, dear readers, is the planned bias built into such web sites.

The British promised Mir Sadiq, the chief traitor, that in return for helping them, they would make him the ruler of Mysore. Also involved in this plot was Pandit Purnia, Tipu's Secretary of Treasury; he was promised the post of Prime Minister. They both tried tricks. During a conflict, Purnia told the soldiers to come collect their wages. The soldiers left the cannons (the British supplied with empty cannonballs) and went for their pay while the British destroyed parts of the fort wall.

Tipu was having lunch at that moment and with a sword in hand he rushed to the danger-spot saying: “One days's life of a lion is preferable to hundred years' existence of a jackal”. Tipu, along with four other bodyguards, killed a record 4,500 British soldiers!

Do you remember Tipu’s quote PAVO? The martyr’s mission was to foil the evil designs of a foreign power, which, with its political intrigues, had established its supremacy over major parts of India and threatening his own state of Mysore.

Criticise intelligently but never pity those in whose veins flows real blood, not the corrupting liquid of foreign currencies.

Read other ARTICLES and BLOGS by the author. The reason he is frequently banned on Chowq is because he (1) posts rebuttals to anti-Islam atheists (2) counters their anti-Pakistan propaganda efficiently (3) shows them how the American ‘wet dream’ is drying up globally (4) opposes their sponsored 'favourite' writers’ debauched views, and satirizes them