Pakistani Passports, British Intelligence And Al-CIAda

It is indeed overwhelming how the British lost a number of Pakistani passports recently. Nobody questions the British how they achieved this feat.

Obtaining a two-year British multiple entry visa already costs nearly Rs 29,000, while a ten year multiple visa cots upwards of 70,000. Add to that the humility of filling endless documents, and photocopies on 100-gram A4 sheets of paper with information going back to the time when dinosaurs ruled the world. Then throw in the possibility of having one’s application rejected on flimsy grounds. For most people, the re-application process costs them fantastic sums, not to mention the colossal waste of time attempting to get an appointment for submitting the application.

Our busy-with-terrorists government could not care less how the British High Commission fleeces the citizens in a humiliating manner. The British claim that the lost documents may end up in the hands of Al-CIAda terrorists, enabling them to travel incognito and commit terror worldwide.

Who do they think we are to believe this intelligence manoeuvre that will ensure these passports are misused to give Muslims a bad name everywhere? A number of lost travel documents had multiple visas of various Western countries stamped on them; these ‘could be easily tampered with for illegal air travel and immigration’.

“If terrorists get hold of these passports, they can alter them with the help of human-trafficking mafia and move freely to various countries, especially the US and UK, to carry out terror activities,” the sources said.

Last month, it British High Commission lost around 100 Pakistani passports submitted for obtaining visas while it was shifting operations to Abu Dubai owing to security risks here. British authorities have so far failed to provide the exact number or a plausible reason for the loss of the passports, causing trouble for applicants. There were also several students amongst the applicants.

As we all know too well, the poor students will be—in some future date—rounded up and accused of planning to ensure the fall of the London Bridge or of imagining to set the parliament building on fire. Since every child can sing ‘London Bridge is falling down’, they may as well imprison them all for being part of an ancient conspiracy to bring the darned structure down through loud singing.

Our students face dire threats and I would advise parents to think twice before blindly sending the apples of their eyes abroad to waste hard-earned money on useless paper degrees. They want your visa fees, the college tuition fees and then your children too. For what, you may ask?—why, to make old England a paradise on Earth at our expense.

Rob Murphy, a British spokesman told the media, “There are exaggerated stories about them but the exact number of the lost passports is less than 100. We are investigating the matter, but I cannot say anything about the conclusion of the probe.”

To a question about terrorists being able to use them for illegal purposes, Murphy said the high commission had already informed the visa applicants to get new passports and re-apply for their visas.

What a wonderful way of making the citizens go around in circles to satisfy the British crown’s wishes!

Diplomatic sources said more than 100,000 visas are still lying with the UK Border Agency, which now entertains visa applications from Pakistan. Even Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gilani, in his meeting with British Foreign Secretary David Miliband earlier this month, expressed frustration over the delays and demanded relaxation in the visa policy for Pakistanis.

Has our Prime Minister ever had his visa application rejected: his passport stolen or lost by the British: ever stand in a queue behind fifty ordinary mortals or do what he expects millions of Pakistanis to do without asking a question and out of their own shrinking pockets? The answer to all of these questions is a big fat no.

Sherwani-clad men like Gilani dart about in their swift official cars without caring to see what is happening all around. The British take unfair advantage of the situation because they know millions of Pakistani families live divided lives in England and Pakistan and need to travel, no matter what the cost or the odds.

Picasso Trips Onto A Woman

At the peak of his career, Pablo probably—or rather definitely—did trip over many female fans; little did he know that after his death women would fall not for his brushstrokes but rather for his work’s obtrusiveness.

Some people are born clumsy or accident-prone but to fall over a rare and priceless work of art—a Picasso, for instance—is pure American genius.

An unidentified woman, after losing her balance, fell squarely over Picasso’s 100-years old masterpiece, called The Actor (1904), and caused a six-inch vertical slash in the lower right hand corner. This close encounter of the worst kind with art took place at New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art where the experts are now busy recovering from the shock of the damage.

Major collisions have taken place in this city.

First in 1945, when an Air Force B-25 bomber attempted to land into the famous Empire State Building; structural integrity of the building was NOT compromised, fourteen people died (three crewmen and eleven in the building) and one million US dollars' worth of damage was done.

Second, the Twin Towers being used as parallel runways in 2000 (2,750 deaths and complete destruction of the towers through successful implosions using carefully placed explosives).

And finally, the art-loving woman attempting to destroy cultural heritage.

The museum said ‘the slash did not affect the focal point of the composition and the repair—which will take place in the next few weeks—will be unobtrusive’.

Pablo Picasso created the painting, which depicts an acrobat posed against an abstracted backdrop, during his so-called Pink or Rose Period in the winter of 1904-5. The museum received the work as a donation in 1952. Officials say they expect the repair to be completed in time for a new exhibition—Picasso in the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

The woman in question was—hallelujah—attending an adult education class on Friday afternoon when she ran into the masterpiece measuring about 6 feet by 4 feet that hung on the wall of a second-floor gallery with other early Picassos. The museum did not reveal her identity and the accident caused no injury to her.

So far, they have not accused her—just as they have Dr Afia Siddiqui to make an example out of her in the land of the free and dumbstruck—of being ‘Lady Al-CIAda’, ‘The Grey Lady of Bagram’ or ‘The Most Dangerous Woman Of The World’.

Woman Faces Sex For Noisy Jail

Actually, the title is ‘Woman risks jail for noisy sex’.

Today we shall examine the case of a woman whose noisy lovemaking sessions have been officially branded ‘anti-social behaviour’.

An English court has ruled that ‘she is liable to find herself behind bars if she fails to stop excessively loud lovemaking’. Caroline Cartwright has been handed an eight-week prison term suspended for 12 months—this means if she indulges in noisy expressions of pleasure one more time, she will immediately be sent to the jail.

Judge Beatrice Bolton at Newcastle Crown Court said, “I've heard a very short extract of the noise you make and can well see that your neighbours would be upset and distressed by this.”

Cartwright was served with a civil order over marathon lovemaking sessions with husband (thank God for that) Steve. Their antics were declared ‘unnatural and like they are both in considerable pain.’ Neighbours at their home in Washington, south of Newcastle, had complained about the noise—as did passers-by and the poor postman.

Although Cartwright was served with an anti-social behaviour order, she admitted earlier to having violated it. At an earlier hearing, the court learnt that the local council set up special equipment in a neighbour's flat and recorded noise levels of 30-40 decibels, peaking at 47—as loud as a conversation in the same room.

Cartwright told the court she had tried to restrain herself.

"I did not understand why people asked me to be quiet because to me it is normal," she said, adding: "I have tried to minimise the situation by having sex in the morning—not at night—so the noise was not waking up anybody. I may be sympathetic to it, but it is not something I am doing on purpose."

In our part of the civilized world (remember, we were civilized long before the colonialist Europeans came along to civilize us some more), we do not produce objectionable noises while being passionate even in the oppressive summers; this talent truly comes to us from across the cold continent.

I believe what Caroline Cartwright meant was that indulging in noisy lovemaking is freedom of expression, freedom of free speech etcetera. Thank heavens we are not told exactly what she shouted, and whether she preferred her mother tongue to hollering in some European or a Far Eastern language. Who knows, she might have shouted in Chinese or Punjabi. I have reason to believe that listening to too much Bhangra music and having loads of curries in old England might have turned her into a noisy student of all things Punjabi.

Now, let us suppose that even if one had an inspiring figure like Mrs Cartwright living in the neighbourhood, a good Eastern husband would never complain to the authorities.

Remember, we allow latitude, show great tolerance and let passionate cries be—well—passionate cries. Why would anyone in the East brand noisy love therapy sessions as anti-social behaviour disorder or anything of the kind?

Recall how American wrestling proceeds with its awful makeup, the overfed wrestlers, the hype, the fake screaming and the ‘fixed’ matches. This is how it is there, all make belief.

In the East, we never stoop to measuring sound levels of our darlings (wives, of course) with decibel meters; we just let them be. In fact, so quiet are we that partners must sometimes assess what the silence was all about. As a matter of courtesy to the children in the other room—if not to the aging parents—Eastern couples speak into each other’s ears in whispers while in bed; sometimes they do not speak at all.