Happy Eid al-Azha

I wish all the active and spiritually alive Muslims:

A very HAPPY Eid al-Azha!

Do not bother counting the number of hair on the sacrificial animal’s back to assess how many good deeds will be transferred to your savings account at GOOD DEEDS SAVINGS; instead, focus on your sincere intentions in doing all what Allah has discussed in His Book.

O Hidden One (Under My Bed), Appear Before Me!

I know I said I would not post a parody of any Bollywood song until Chowq apologised to me for their mistreatment of those who made it a success through their literary contributions.

So why am I doing it?—because a Chowq insider has, very kindly, spilled the beans that belonged to a couple at Chowq who interacted with one another, day in and night out (in and out), without their spouses’ consent.

They pretended to be my friends; I let them enjoy my company. They came and sat at my table; I let them enjoy my hospitality. They shared my starters, food and drink; I let them fill their bellies. They laughed at me in their straightened hearts; I let them roll on the floor. Then I got up quietly, left them there to pay the huge bill, and drove home getting the laugh of my life with my wife.

Aukha ‘spook’ Butt said he had intercepted messages that were shocking. I asked him to drop the case but being crude to the core, he dropped his dhoti instead and made lovey-dovey private exchanges at Chowq fully public. What a mind-blowing whistle-blower! Now that I have no control over this recently freed jinn, I may as well relax and let all of you enjoy the parody show at the expense of the conspirators (hello, are you reading this?).

Agreed, the C3 is not exactly marching forward but it has not come to a tragic end—as some who are sitting by the roadside might be inclined to believe.

I see nothing but pure comedy in many of Bollywood’s best classic songs. Quite a few songs came to my mind but primarily I chose the current one because the name of the movie it is taken from is aptly titled ‘Tumsa Nahin Dekha’ (I have seen none like you).

Now, let us roll on the floor laughing and assume I am the man wearing the jeans and trendy Converse shoes pointing my fingers at the conspirators, while the Chowq ladies swing knowingly in the background, wearing trendy dhotis and holding on to empty earthenware pots. What an all-female support group! As you will appreciate, as always, the video shows that I am in a good swinging mood. Nothing disturbs me and I am always in a mood for laaahve!

• Movie: Tumsa Nahin Dekha
• Singer(s): Mohammad Rafi
• Music Director: O P Nayyar
• Lyricist: Majrooh Sultanpuri
• Actors/Actresses: Shammi Kapoor, Ameeta
• Year/Decade: 1957, 1950s

*******

CHORUS:

Hidden one (under my bed), appear before me
By hidin’ an’ a-seekin’, don’t barbeque my heart
A ray from the sun, and wind from a cloud
Until when will it remain hidden (under my bed)?
Hidden one (under my bed), appear before me
By hidin’ an’ a-seekin’, don’t barbeque my heart
A ray from the sun, and wind from a cloud
Until when will it remain hidden (under my bed)?
Hidden one (under my bed), appear before me

[At precisely 00:27 in the video, a famous ‘Chowq personality’—whose identity we shall conceal just for fun—appears casting her dance spell on me. Now, my enemies will accuse me of feeling elated. They are right; I am happy!]

[The remaining covert ‘Special Services Group’ commando girls—hands in the air—appear for self-surrender in lovely battle formation. The famous’ Chowq personality’ dashes to the bridge over un-troubled waters and starts doing her ‘thang’. I am swept off my Converse shoes watching her.]

VERSE:

Aakh-thooo! What if it ain’t the (humiliating) defeat of your (false) pride?
Dashing at me, 100-metres sprint style, what is it if not laaahve?
Standing afar, at what are you surprised (stupid)?

[At 00:58, the chief female conspirator appears, gets taunted by me and bites her forefinger with great regret. She is unable to shake off the famous ‘Chowq personality’ who excels all females.]

Don’t stick that (middle) finger in your (cavity-infested) mouth
Standing afar, at what are you surprised (stupid)?
Don’t shove your middle finger in your (cavity-infested) mouth

[The famous ‘Chowq personality’ leads me off the baby bridge. I deliberately walk down like an old man and then jump off, surprising my enemies with such agility.]

CHORUS:

Hidden one (under my bed), appear before me
By hidin’ an’ a-seekin’, don’t barbeque my heart
A ray from the sun, and wind from a cloud
Until when will it remain hidden (under my bed)?
Hidden one (under my bed), appear before me

[At 01:23, the chief female conspirator wrings her hands. The covert SSG girl- commandoes do the ‘thang’ holding banana leaves—that is a secret signal for me.]

[At 01:28, the famous ‘Chowq personality’ washes her feet because I am about to ask my enemies to go wash their faces with the same holy water. At 01:36, I pull the personality back on to the baby bridge and brush my face with her fresh-shampooed hair.]

Hugging my Lipton heart is your twisted Zulfi(qar Ali Bhutto) wig
I’m watching your looka looka meet with my looka looka
Don’t make Zulfi(qar Ali Bhutto) fall on your cheeky(rear)

[At 01:57, the chief female conspirator huffs and puffs, and wrings her hands again. The famous ‘Chowq personality’ never stops swinging.]

You’re (a) doomsday (girl and) I’m a (starved) demon
Don’t make Zulfi(qar Ali Bhutto) fall on your cheeky(rear)
You’re (a) doomsday (girl and) I’m a (starved) demon

CHORUS:

Hidden one (under my bed), appear before me
By hidin’ an’ a-seekin’, don’t barbeque my heart
A ray from the sun, and wind from a cloud
Until when will it remain hidden (under my bed)?
Hidden one (under my bed), appear before me

[At 02:13, the chief conspirator suffers from an attack of asthma, and attempts to throttle herself with the fancy dress she is wearing. Unsuccessful, she seeks a premature retirement.]

[Having had successfully accomplished their covert mission, all ten SSG girl-commandos appear nicely lined up behind the famous ‘Chowq personality’ for a medal distribution ceremony.

[I finally lead them down over the baby bridge and into their barracks, before their commanding officer finds them missing in action.]

CHORUS:

Hidden one (under my bed), appear before me
By hidin’ an’ a-seekin’, don’t barbeque my heart
A ray from the sun, and wind from a cloud
Until when will it remain hidden (under my bed)?
Hidden one (under my bed), appear before me

Your Own Fat In Cosmetics?

Dear readers:

You have read about sub-standard counterfeit fake condoms, and condoms turned into hairclips and headbands, now get ready for this. Four persons have been arrested in Peru on suspicion of killing dozens of people in order to sell their fat and tissue for cosmetic uses in Europe.

People with excess fat around their bellies may stop right here and need not concern themselves with reading the details.
The murderers allegedly targeted people on isolated roads, tempting them with bogus job offers before butchering them to extract their fat. The liquidised product fetched $15,000 (£9,000) a litre and police suspect it was sold to companies in Europe.

At least five other suspects, including two Italian nationals, remain at large. The police said the murderous gang could be behind the disappearances of up to sixty persons in Peru's Huanuco and Pasco regions. One of those arrested told the police that their ringleader had been on a killing-spree for fat for more than three decades.

The murderous gang has been nicknamed Pishtacos, after an ancient Peruvian legend of killers who attacked people on lonely roads and killed them for their fat. At a news conference, the police showed the shocked reporters two bottles containing human body fat and images of one of the alleged victims.

One of the alleged killings is reported to have taken place in mid-September, with the person's body tissue removed for sale. Commander Angel Toledo said that some of the suspects had "declared and stated how they murdered people with the aim of extracting their fat in rudimentary labs and sell it".
The Police suspect the fat was sold to cosmetics and pharmaceutical companies in Europe, but have not confirmed any such connection.

Dear shocked readers, in one of my blogs I did request someone not to ask me what the cosmetics manufacturers used in expensive anti-wrinkle or anti-aging creams. Well, now we almost know that one could wind up unknowingly applying a dead human being’s fat. One can never be sure what those numbered ‘E’ ingredients might really be in cosmetics and edible products.

Read other ARTICLES and BLOGS by the author. The reason he is frequently banned on Chowq is because he (1) posts rebuttals to anti-Islam atheists (2) counters their anti-Pakistan propaganda efficiently (3)shows them how the American ‘wet dream’ is drying up globally (4) opposes their sponsored 'favourite' writers’ debauched views, and satirizes them