Ranch, Love-Gum, Woes

SEVERE WARNING: Parents who are under twenty-one years of age, must be accompanied by precocious children when reading this.

With the above lame disclaimer out of my way, allow me to deliver what I promised you eager fans: an old ditty with a ‘new improved’ face—thanks to the performance of satirical cosmic surgery on this great old ditty.

If you wish to enjoy what I have done here, please open the song's video in a separate window of your browser and let it play, while you scroll to read my reintrepetated lyrics in this window.

This song stars Nivedita (as the other woman at the piano), Waheeda Rahman (as the real woman without a piano), and Kanwaljeet (as the bloke who is stuck between the pretty devils and the deep blue sea-saw of love).

Do not be surprised if, by the end of the song, you end up loving Nivedita’s baby face; the subtle spotlight on her lips lends her the desireable mystique of the other woman.

Waheeda Rahman was born in Tamil Nadu (India) and actually wound up marrying the man shown in this movie—so much for family planning in the movie industry.

I have not seen the entire movie but in this song, Kanwaljeet, who appears ready to marry the real woman also hopelessly appears to be in love with the piano-playing other women. While he may not know what he is getting onto, the keyboardist knows what ivories and ebonies to sound.

The triangle appears good and natural enough, add to that the counterfeit whiskey that appears to be causing to our man massive liver damage—something he does not mind at all.

Here is the inside insidious story of the lyrics. Enjoy!

Music: Khayyam
lyrics: Sahir Ludhianvi
Movie: Shagoon (from 1964)
Singer: Jagjit Kaur (Khayyam's wife)

***

(O baby) gimme your ranch, all of the (love) gum, your (financial) woes
In the name of the (love) gum, give me V. Ronnie’s Dell (laptop) – 2X


I confess (under sadomasochistic conditions), in your eyes I’m not a (broadband) cable – 2X
What (TF) is so bad about giving me your (rubber) duck and (a lock of) hair, Ronnie? – 2X


Let me see (HTF) does this world messes you up – 2X
Let me take possession of you for a few days (alongwith the password of your ATM card) – 2X


The (latest) Dell (laptop) that I ordered, you gave away for free to (female) strangers – 2X
It’ll be a big (bloody) deal if you pay me in cash (the money you owe me for my services) – 2X

Anti-Aging Cream For 950 Years

I have always wondered about the anti-aging creams used by those who lived before us because they lived up to as long as 950 years—Prophet Noah being the best example of a grand old man. If I get lucky, I might touch sixty-five, and if my father gets luckier, he might outlive me; he is already eighty-six years old and going strong.

I have always believed that the Earth revolved at a much faster rate far back in time. The days were much shorter due to one other important factor: the lunar months being shorter than solar ones. With zero stress in life and unlimited natural resources at one’s disposal, one lived on for centuries until Death decided to issue a Gold debit card.

Richard Gross, a scientist at Nasa's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, has calculated how much the axis may have changed in position following the recent earthquake in Chile. For those who cannot get over the pseudo-science of global warming caused by human activity, the thought of the magnetic pole shifting from here to there by a few centimetres every time an earthquake occurs might be too much to bear. The wonderful men of science wearing white coats tell us that that indeed happens without our noticing Mother Earth’s shifting mood.

Major Earthquakes can cause minor polar shifts. The recent earthquake, the most powerful to hit Chile in fifty years, killed more than 700 people, affected an estimated two million people with its 8.8-magnitude tremor followed by tsunamis. The earthquake sent shockwaves out from the epicentre 70 miles from Chile's second city, Concepcion. Richard Gross has calculated that if the planet's axis did shift by 8cm during the recent earthquake, days would have shortened by 1.26 microseconds. A microsecond is one-millionth of a second.

We all know that Earth days are 24 hours long because the planet takes this many hours to perform one rotational tango on its axis, hence a shifting of the axis would affect rotation. While the 9.1-magnitude tremor of Indonesia started the deadly tsunami in Asia in 2004, the Chilean earthquake shifted the Earth's axis by even more than that, according to the men of science. This was partly because the fault line responsible for the quake in Chile dips into Earth at a slightly steeper angle than does the fault responsible for the 2004 Sumatran earthquake. The different angle made the Chilean tremor was more effective at moving Earth's mass vertically and shifting the planet's axis.

Please remember that California, and specially the decadent Hollywood, lives right on the geographical and moral fault-line. One nod from the sky and the entire Box Office will be lost forever.

The 2004 earthquake of Indonesia, which killed hundreds of thousands of people, caused the Earth to move by approximately 7cm and shortened the day by an estimated 6.8 microseconds.

The combined 8.06 microseconds off the clock each day also means that those who say ‘time is money’ are at a great loss. Indeed the Qur’an’s chapter 103, The Flight Of Time, states clearly in verses 1 and 2: “CONSIDER the flight of time! (2) Verily, man is bound to lose (i.e. in a state of loss) himself.” It then indicates who will not lose themselves in the rat race of Time and Life.

Al-Qaeda: What Is It, Where Is It? (Part II)

George Orwell, who wrote the famous novel ‘1984’, labelled one’s ability to hold diametrically opposed views in one’s mind as ‘doublethink’, and saying something which actually means something else as ‘doublespeak’.

In Part-I of my blog with the same title, we looked at what the term Al-Qaeda (which I spell as Al-CIAda) meant. This time we will dissect the following bit of news to see what it REALLY means. I will decode it all for you and call the truth ‘singlespeak’.

Barack Hussain Obama’s special representative for Afghanistan and Pakistan, Richard Holbrooke, said, “Al Qaeda aims to infiltrate Central Asia to train terrorists and turn the ex-Soviet region into a zone of unrest, US President.”

SINGLESPEAK: Rich Broker says that Al-CIAda is now gunning for Central Asia to train terrorists and turn the ex-Soviet region into a zone of unrest.

Rich Broker is currently on a visit to Central Asian countries Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan and Kazakhstan, which began on February 17.

SINGLESPEAK: The official trips are delivery meetings for secret messages or outright threats. Rich Broker is visiting five countries to get them to buy American weapons and then die fighting and destroying themselves so that the region’s resources may be secured for American use (‘safeguarding American interests’).

“I think the real threat in this region is less from the Taliban but more from al Qaeda, which trains international terrorists,” he said on a visit to Tajikistan.

SINGLESPEAK: Rich Broker is admitting (it is called rhetoric) that Al-CIAda, after creating and using the ‘Afghan ‘Mujahideen’ and then morphing them into the dreaded ‘Taliban’, have now re-named them evil ‘Al-Qaeda’ to spread the fictitious ‘global war on terror’ (GWOT, which I call G-WOE: global war of error).

Rich Broker said Tajikistan was important for “ethnic, geographic and strategic reasons” as it shares a 1,340 kilometres border with Afghanistan.

SINGLESPEAK: Tajikistan is important for ethnic cleansing, geographic destruction and strategic chaos because it shares a 1,340 kilometres border with Afghanistan and is ideal as a sitting duck.

“This is an issue of common concern for the US and all the countries of this region including Pakistan, China and India,” said Rich Broker.

SINGLESPEAK: This is an issue of American interests (‘securing’ the natural resources for its own use) alone and all the countries of this region including Pakistan, China and India do not matter much.

Stability in the vast resource-rich region sprawling between China, Russia and Afghanistan is crucial to the West as it lies on a new supply route for NATO-led operations in Afghanistan.

SINGLESPEAK: Instability in the vast resource-rich region sprawling between China, Russia and Afghanistan is good for the American economy, which thrives on wars. The West salivates because this region lies on a new oil and gas supply route; we need to spread more instability so that NATO-led operations in Afghanistan succeed.

The West is worried about risks to stability in the vast Muslim region, dominated by authoritarian but secular governments. Analysts believe terrorism could spread into the heart of Central Asia from nearby Afghanistan.

SINGLESPEAK: The West is worried that if the vast Muslim region wakes up to become stable, the authoritarian puppet regimes (that we have established and disguised as secular governments or benevolent dictatorships) will become unstable. To boost our arms sales, our spies want terrorism to spread into the heart of Central Asia from nearby Afghanistan.

The region’s main militant group, the Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan (IMU), wants to topple the secular government and establish strict Islamic rule.

SINGLESPEAK: The region’s main militant group, the Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan (IMU), wants to topple the secular government to establish strict Islamic rule which is a threat to the American way of life—whatever that way really is.

Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan fighters were forced out of the region after the end of a 1990’s civil war in Tajikistan into Pakistan’s lawless tribal areas, where the movement’s leadership is believed to have established close contacts with al Qaeda, security analysts say.

SINGLESPEAK: Our spymasters say that since we helped Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan’s fighters out of the region after the end of 1990’s civil war in Tajikistan, we also made sure they went straight to Pakistan’s lawless tribal areas. There the movement’s leadership has been strengthened as Al-CIAda.

Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan fighters are now believed to be returning to the Central Asian region to seed unrest in a region weakened by prolonged economic crises and people’s frustration at growing poverty.

SINGLESPEAK: We are happy to note that Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan’s fighters are now returning to the Central Asian region to promote unrest in a region we have already weakened by economic crises to prolong people’s frustration at growing poverty.

In Uzbekistan, President Islam Karimov told Richard Rich Broker that he was eager to work closer with the US over Afghanistan.

SINGLESPEAK: In Uzbekistan, President Islam Karimov has told us that he has no choice but to work with the US over Afghanistan since the Americans are going to ‘bomb them back into stone age’.

“The president expressed Uzbekistan’s firm determination to further develop US-Uzbek relations in a constructive way in light of efforts to bring lasting peace and stability to Afghanistan,” Uzbekistan ‘s official UzA news agency said.

SINGLESPEAK: The president expressed Uzbekistan’s helplessness in the matter; he will now waste time in further developing US-Uzbek relations in a way that suits American cowboy tactics to bring lasting war and instability to Afghanistan.

It also quoted Rich Broker as telling President Islam Karimov that he too wanted to “strengthen cooperation with Uzbekistan over security”. Uzbekistan now serves a vital supply route for NATO operations in Afghanistan and Western nations rarely voice strong criticism of Uzbekistan’s poor human rights or democratic record.

SINGLESPEAK: I told President Islam Karimov that I too wanted to strengthen cooperation with Uzbekistan over insecurity. Since Uzbekistan now serves a vital supply route for NATO destructiveness in Afghanistan, Western nations will turn a blind eye to Uzbekistan’s poor human rights or democratic record.

Contacts between Uzbekistan and the US were virtually frozen for years after 2005, when Washington condemned the Central Asian nation for firing on protesters in the town of Andizhan. Witnesses said hundreds of people died in that event.

SINGLESPEAK: Contacts between Uzbekistan and the US were frozen for years after 2005, when Washington applauded the Central Asian nation for firing on protesters in the town of Andizhan. Deaths of hundreds of people in that event made us happy.

The improvement in ties has led analysts to suggest that Washington may seek to reopen its air base in Uzbekistan, which was used for operations in Afghanistan but was closed by President Islam Karimov in retaliation for the American criticism of the Andizhan events.

SINGLESPEAK: Our spymasters now think the time is right for Washington to reopen its air base in Uzbekistan, which was used for operations in Afghanistan.

“Ambassador Richard Rich Broker met with President Islam Karimov to discuss a range of issues of mutual interest, including the international efforts in Afghanistan,” it said in a brief statement.

SINGLESPEAK: Rich Broker met with President Islam Karimov to discuss non-issues of American interest, including the international warmongering in Afghanistan.

Al-Qaeda: What Is It, Where Is It? (Part-I)

We need to learn what the news we watch or listen to each day actually mean. Take for example today’s headline: US warns of increased al Qaeda threat in Central Asia.

Please sympathize with the Green Cardigans (those who kicked this country in the face and emigrated to the US for learning cleverer nursery rhymes and earning more Dollars) and who will either never believe this or just stay quiet because they have given their oaths of allegiance to the American flag. So put that silly popcorn and Coke away and try to understand what Al-Qaeda means; we will start with a document called ‘Al Qaeda– The Database’ (Wayne Madsen Report’ of November 18, 2005) http://www.thetruthseeker.co.uk/article.asp?ID=3836.

***

Al Qaeda– The Database:

“Shortly before his untimely death, former British Foreign Secretary Robin Cook told the House of Commons that "Al Qaeda" is not really a terrorist group but a database of international Mujaheddin and arms smugglers used by the CIA and Saudis to funnel guerrillas, arms, and money into Soviet-occupied Afghanistan. Courtesy of World Affairs, a journal based in New Delhi, WMR can bring you an important excerpt from an Apr.-Jun. 2004 article by Pierre-Henry Bunel, a former agent for French military intelligence.

"I first heard about Al-Qaida while I was attending the Command and Staff course in Jordan. I was a French officer at that time and the French Armed Forces had close contacts and cooperation with Jordan.

"Two of my Jordanian colleagues were experts in computers. They were air defence officers. Using computer science slang, they introduced a series of jokes about students' punishment.

"For example, when one of us was late at the bus stop to leave the Staff College, the two officers used to tell us: 'You'll be noted in 'Q eidat il-Maaloomaat' which meant 'You'll be logged in the information database.' Meaning 'You will receive a warning . . .' If the case was more severe, they would used to talk about 'Q eidat i-Taaleemaat.' Meaning: 'the decision database.' It meant 'you will be punished.' For the worst cases, they used to speak of logging in 'Al Qaida.'

"In the early 1980s the Islamic Bank for Development, which is located in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, like the Permanent Secretariat of the Islamic Conference Organization, bought a new computerized system to cope with its accounting and communication requirements. At the time, the system was more sophisticated than necessary for their actual needs.

"It was decided to use a part of the system's memory to host the Islamic Conference's database. It was possible for the countries attending to access the database by telephone: an Intranet, in modern language. The governments of the member-countries as well as some of their embassies in the world were connected to that network.

"[According to a Pakistani major] the database was divided into two parts, the information file where the participants in the meetings could pick up and send information they needed, and the decision file where the decisions made during the previous sessions were recorded and stored.

In Arabic, the files were called, 'Qeidat il-Maaloomaat' and 'Q eidat i-Taaleemaat.' Those two files were kept in one file called in Arabic 'Q eidat ilmu'ti'aat' which is the exact translation of the English word database. But the Arabs commonly used the short word Al Qaida which is the Arabic word for "base." The military air base of Riyadh, Saudi Arabia is called 'q eidat 'riyadh al 'askariya.' Q eida means "a base" and "Al Qaida" means "the base."

"In the mid-1980s, Al Qaida was a database located in computer and dedicated to the communications of the Islamic Conference's secretariat.

"In the early 1990s, I was a military intelligence officer in the Headquarters of the French Rapid Action Force. Because of my skills in Arabic, my job was also to translate a lot of faxes and letters seized or intercepted by our intelligence services . . . We often got intercepted material sent by Islamic networks operating from the UK or from Belgium.

"These documents contained directions sent to Islamic armed groups in Algeria or in France. The messages quoted the sources of statements to be exploited in the redaction of the tracts or leaflets, or to be introduced in video or tapes to be sent to the media. The most commonly quoted sources were the United Nations, the non-aligned countries, the UNHCR and . . . Al Qaida.

"Al Qaida remained the data base of the Islamic Conference. Not all member countries of the Islamic Conference are 'rogue states' and many Islamic groups could pick up information from the databases. It was but natural for Osama Bin Laden to be connected to this network. He is a member of an important family in the banking and business world.

"Because of the presence of 'rogue states,' it became easy for terrorist groups to use the email of the database. Hence, the email of Al Qaida was used, with some interface system, providing secrecy, for the families of the Mujaheddin to keep links with their children undergoing training in Afghanistan, or in Libya or in the Beqaa valley, Lebanon. Or in action anywhere in the battlefields where the extremists sponsored by all the 'rogue states' used to fight. And the 'rogue states' included Saudi Arabia. When Osama bin Laden was an American agent in Afghanistan, the Al Qaida Intranet was a good communication system through coded or covert messages.

Al Qaida was neither a terrorist group nor Osama bin Laden's personal property . . . The terrorist actions in Turkey in 2003 were carried out by Turks and the motives were local and not international, unified, or joint. These crimes put the Turkish government in a difficult position vis-a-vis the British and the Israelis. But the attacks certainly intended to 'punish' Prime Minister Erdogan for being a 'toot tepid' Islamic politician.

" . . . In the Third World the general opinion is that the countries using weapons of mass destruction for economic purposes in the service of imperialism are in fact 'rogue states," specially the US and other NATO countries.

"Some Islamic economic lobbies are conducting a war against the 'liberal" economic lobbies. They use local terrorist groups claiming to act on behalf of Al Qaida. On the other hand, national armies invade independent countries under the aegis of the UN Security Council and carry out pre-emptive wars. And the real sponsors of these wars are not governments but the lobbies concealed behind them.

"The truth is, there is no Islamic army or terrorist group called Al Qaida. And any informed intelligence officer knows this. But there is a propaganda campaign to make the public believe in the presence of an identified entity representing the 'devil' only in order to drive the 'TV watcher' to accept a unified international leadership for a war against terrorism. The country behind this propaganda is the US and the lobbyists for the US war on terrorism are only interested in making money."

In yet another example of what happens to those who challenge the system, in December 2001, Maj. Pierre-Henri Bunel was convicted by a secret French military court of passing classified documents that identified potential NATO bombing targets in Serbia to a Serbian agent during the Kosovo war in 1998.

Bunel's case was transferred from a civilian court to keep the details of the case classified. Bunel's character witnesses and psychologists notwithstanding, the system "got him" for telling the truth about Al Qaeda and who has actually been behind the terrorist attacks commonly blamed on that group. It is noteworthy that that Yugoslav government, the government with whom Bunel was asserted by the French government to have shared information, claimed that Albanian and Bosnian guerrillas in the Balkans were being backed by elements of "Al Qaeda." We now know that these guerrillas were being backed by money provided by the Bosnian Defense Fund, an entity established as a special fund at Bush-influenced Riggs Bank and directed by Richard Perle and Douglas Feith.”

In his article ‘The struggle against terrorism cannot be won by military means’ (http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2005/jul/08/july7.development), Robin Cook stated:

"Osama bin Laden is no more a true representative of Islam than General Mladic, who commanded the Serbian forces, could be held up as an example of Christianity. After all, it is written in the Qur'an that we were made into different peoples not that we might despise each other, but that we might understand each other.

Bin Laden was, though, a product of a monumental miscalculation by western security agencies. Throughout the 80s he was armed by the CIA and funded by the Saudis to wage jihad against the Russian occupation of Afghanistan. Al-Qaida, literally "the database", was originally the computer file of the thousands of mujahideen who were recruited and trained with help from the CIA to defeat the Russians. Inexplicably, and with disastrous consequences, it never appears to have occurred to Washington that once Russia was out of the way, Bin Laden's organisation would turn its attention to the west.

The danger now is that the west's current response to the terrorist threat compounds that original error. So long as the struggle against terrorism is conceived as a war that can be won by military means, it is doomed to fail. The more the west emphasises confrontation, the more it silences moderate voices in the Muslim world who want to speak up for cooperation. Success will only come from isolating the terrorists and denying them support, funds and recruits, which means focusing more on our common ground with the Muslim world than on what divides us"

Robin Cook died under mysterious circumstances, just as John Smith and David Kelly did, or was Robin murdered by those who did not want him to proceed further by writing a book about such matters?

NGOs Take Over Government Schools

Recently, members of the Punjab Assembly strongly criticised the provincial government’s policy under which educational institutions will be handed over to non-government organisations; they called for the accountability of NGOs.

The provincial assembly members said that ‘the NGOs are taking over costly government school buildings on the pretext of improving education. They use school buildings for commercial purposes, and harass the regular staff and try to get them transferred. How does the government intend to retake control of such schools?’

Punjab’s education minister read out the department’s reply to the question and said ‘the reports were not true, as the NGOs only had the authority to file an application against teachers. Nobody has complained that these NGOs are using school buildings for commercial purposes’.

Ministers usually say such things to push things under the proverbial carpet of bureaucracy.

A member of the assembly asked for the formation of a House Committee to look into the affairs of the NGOs managing government schools. She also questioned ‘why government schools were being handed over to the NGOs when an education department existed.’

An opposition MPA said she had ‘proof of the NGOs’ misappropriation of funds, as they did not allow public representatives to check their records. They even stop public representatives from entering schools.’

An MPA said ‘nobody among the officials was monitoring what NGOs were doing with schools handed over to them. Under what law are the schools being handed over to the NGOs, and how many schools have been handed over to the NGOs? If NGOs are interested in improving the education standards, why are they not taking over schools in remote areas and are instead focussing on institutions in Lahore?’

A minister said that ‘the NGOs are using school reforms as a cover to seize government school buildings. In my own village, an NGO is also involved in the same exercise by obtaining an order to take over the Rs 250 million building.’

The education minister said ‘out of the 1,164 schools, 340 in Lahore had been handed over to the NGOs. The previous regime started the practice of handing over government schools to the NGOs under the Punjab Local Government Ordinance 2001. The current government was handing over only those schools to the NGOs that lacked basic facilities.’

The speaker of the House, however, referred the matter to the House committee on education.

With so many questions asked, one expects satisfactory answers. When the government wishes that controversial matters be forgotten, it efficiently forms committees whose enquiry reports are seldom made public, and the result is that we seldom learn from our mistakes.

Accountability is a good thing if it starts with the corrupt politicians, the feudal landowners, the coup-creators and traitors amidst us. In such troubled times, foreign sponsored non-government organizations with their deep pockets need to be carefully monitored and held accountable. Practically all educated men and women fall for the traps laid by foreign agencies who wish to further educate and reform us. We need good individuals to come forward to reform the education system in Pakistan, retain talent through carefully created opportunities, and move up the ladder of worldly success. Only with the correct balance between here and the hereafter, can Pakistan move forward.

Last November I met with a soft-spoken Sikh from California, Pritpal Singh, who said that plans were underway to establish the Guru Nanak University near Lahore. When questioned why Indian Sikhs chose Pakistan, he admitted that the Sikhs belonged more to this land than they did to any other. He was happy to see the government of Pakistan allocate for the establishment of the Guru Nanak University many acres of land out of the evacuee trust property. Pritpal Singh’s visiting card showed that he was the coordinator for the entire project, which had a board of governors with important men in the government holding key positions. Here was a project that combined the vision of a few zealous Sikhs and the support lent by the government.

Of course, the job of all government functionaries and public servants is to ensure that they do not follow destructive foreign agendas, no matter how many Dollars flow into such projects or into their own. How would America react if Muslims donated directly or through their NGOs, large sums of money to prestigious universities to have their syllabus and other ideals changed? But we do not need to do that, just as Muslims achieved long ago in Spain, we need to set up our own centres of learning that allow students to become not just wage-earners but rather adults who see the world as one family which God wants us to manage efficiently and with responsibility.

Too much change does not change anything. Sometimes, the more things change the more they remain the same. Our elitist educational institutions have now relegated themselves to the status of being expensive syllabus finishers, enrollers of brilliant children who score multiple straight A’s in Cambridge examinations, exporters of brain power to the west, and stone walls of opposition to whatever good remains in eastern cultures and religions. It is this last bit that I wish to see changed within my lifetime.

Did You Say Cheese?

A court has ruled that a Dutch branch of McDonald's unjustifiably sacked a worker for dishing out to a colleague an extra piece of cheese on a hamburger.

The cheesy worker who worked at a McDonald's branch in the northern town of Lemmer was accused of giving a friend an expensive cheeseburger instead of the hamburger she had paid for. McDonald's insisted she had violated the company rules, which prohibit any free gifts to family, friends or colleagues.

When I read such news, I always wonder why so many Asians love living in countries where they go to court over who gave whom which eatables and in what manner. Although not many Asians consume cheese in their own homelands, they know how to pronounce the word each time they face a camera.

The district court in Leeuwarden in the north of the Netherlands said in a written judgment, "It is just a slice of cheese. The dismissal was too severe a measure. A written warning would have been a more appropriate punishment.”

The court ordered McDonald's to pay the worker the salary for the remaining five months of her contract—a total of 4,265.47 Euros (6,006.69 Dollars)—and to also pay court costs.

Europe today is fearful of aliens and their cultures; it has lost its virtue of generosity and is undergoing yet another renaissance. The secret of the success of multinational companies, such as McDonald’s, is that they never dish out free cheese to cheesy people who do not even know how bad fast food is for good health. In fact, McDonald’s needs to pay all consumers compensation for having consumed junk food.

Netherlands is a place where a man cannot even favour friends without being caught and punished. Asian societies are much freer societies where they forgive even large-scale misappropriation of public money and perversion of democracy through military dictatorships. It would be wise for the Netherlands to learn a thing or two from Asian countries about giving it all away free—no questions asked.

President Releases Pop Album

Listening to music is fine but expecting that playing loud guitars the rock n’ roll way or strutting about in Sufi apparel will change the world is plain naiveté. Such fools in this world usually gain undue media exposure, financial backing and ego-inflating ambassadorships of goodwill from the United Nations. It is far more honest to admit that one is doing it for enjoyment or for money rather than pretend otherwise.

Please do not cry, it is not our President who has released a pop album. God knows he will be better off ordering the release of all illegally incarcerated terror suspects to make America unhappy for a change. I am glad to report that the Indonesian President, Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, took time off from battling rampant corruption and mutinous coalition attacks to compose another album of romantic pop songs. He has three pop albums to his credit now.

Considering that our ‘Made by America’ (all our misleaders are) President faces the same kinds of political woes here, I find it amazing to hear the musically gifted Indonesian President whose ‘Ku Yakin Sampai Di Sana’ (I’m Certain I’ll Get There) album features some of Indonesia’s best-known singers and musicians. The 60-year-old former General’s previous two albums, ‘Ku Yakin’ deal with themes such as love, loyalty and patriotism. All would agree that we could use a bit of ‘green’ romance to make things better on this loveless ‘dying planet’.

I have no doubt in my mind that our own President released many pop albums but only in his mind while he resided in Landhi Jail many years ago. Nobody can suspect that he did not name each of those mental albums ‘Ku Yakin Sampai Di Sana’ (I’m Certain I’ll Get There), if not ‘Pakistan Khuppey’. Our misleaders gave us two disturbing unpopular albums that I remember hearing and seeing very well: 1965 and 1971.

Had Ayub Khan released a Pushto album titled ‘Dagha Dagha, Whye Whye Whye’ instead of elevating himself to the rank of Field Marshal, we might have fared better musically—if not militarily or economically—in the ‘global village’. What is preventing our misleaders and retired Generals—who never tire of lecturing us on democracy—from imitating Islamic Indonesia in this department?

This land has never faced a shortage of great tabla-beaters, loud trumpet-blowers, musical-chairmen, shady arrangers and fantastic de-composers. Given half a chance, each leader here performs his entire unoriginal symphonic cacophony as a solo artist and with covert help from Washington—even the applause we hear canned laughter (recorded laughter used in television comedy shows). The result of not having a cohesive cultural policy is that we are now unable to save our unmade faces and fend off India’s Bollywood Brigade in the field of performing arts and quite incapable of overtaking Indonesia in the pop album race.

The Indonesian President, popularly known as SBY, writes on the album cover that features an image of children running with the Indonesian flag, “In my spare time from fulfilling the people’s mandate as president, I like to express my feelings in works of art.”

By sharp contrast, we have people in our corridors of power who fulfil certain mandates: when cronies call on them for personal favours, such as interest-free bank loans, they fulfil their mandates most faithfully, with total disregard to national interest or even to the fear of God.

The Indonesian President said that ‘the songs were written with the belief that nothing can change the fate of a nation except the people themselves, and the conviction of a noble purpose.’

Of course, the Qur’an says the same thing. Our misleaders are believers too in a materialistic sense because they firmly believe in owning an unbelievable number of business firms in the names of their loved ones—they have countless loved ones to feed. They believe that Pakistan can only move forward if America despatches sacks of Dollars and second-rate arms in our direction. They think that foreign investment (read INTERVENTION) will not destroy our industries and agriculture. They dream that if we do the bidding of foreign puppet-masters without asking questions, we will move forward to reach the status of being a developed nation.

If we believe in the above-mentioned pipe dream inspired by the American Wet Dream, I agree we will move forward, forward into the living hell of ever-increasing debt.

If only I could change the world with the strum of my guitar.

Junooni Lies The UN Way

The UN's liar lies on his website (http://www.ssgwi.org/about.html):

"Many of you know Salman Ahmad as a rock star and founder of the hugely successful band Junoon. He has sold over 25 million albums and is one of the most popular and exciting musicians in the world."

Salman unsuccessfully tries to copy many guitar players but particularly likes Joe Satriani.

Joe Satriani (aged 57) is a truly world class guitarist who has received 14 Grammy nominations and has sold more than 10 million albums worldwide.

Salman Ahmad (11 years younger to Joe) may have sold 2.5 million, but certainly not 25 million albums!

Never will one lie with such confidence and display on his website (http://www.ssgwi.org/about.html) such exaggerated sales figures unless one has learnt the craft of lying at the UN headquarters.

Recently Ras Siddiqui, Chowk's very own ed-eater and ban-enforcer, reviewed Salman Ahmad's silly book: Rock n' Roll Jihadist—sponsored of course, by the globalists who are bent upon ruining mankind’s future through fake peace-keeping efforts.

Please also read a related older blog titled: Rock n’ Rollin’ Sufi Wanna-be

The Educated Jobless Americans

I dislike statistics because governments use them to distort truth, to push deep-rooted problems under official carpets and to finally succeed in moulding public opinion in their own favour. Since all governments lie to varying degrees, we will now see what the following figures tell us about the land of milk and honey (milk’s ‘m’ and honey’s ‘h’ gives us MONEY): the US of A.

No matter what America and its allies’ excuse might be for instigating Muslims globally, attacking their countries and taking over natural resources, and ruining things through Wall Street’s financial fiascos, the bitter truth is that nearly 150 U.S. banks have vaporized in 2009 and millions of Americans remain jobless.

Why should American woes cause problems for us? Now that is an intelligent question with a ready-made dumb answer: because we are now living in a well-connected global village. Very few will stop to think that if this is what it is like to live inside the American wet dream, we were much better off living in a state of bliss before a wet-dreamer dreamt it up.

The U.S. economic recession has taken a heavy toll on young Americans, with a record one out of five black men aged 20 to 24 neither working nor in school. What is their expensive education giving them in return?—nothing worth writing about right now.

Showpiece President Obama does not matter because American teenagers now find it virtually impossible to find jobs since the recession began in late 2007, with black youths and young people from low-income families facing the maximum brunt.

While 26 percent of American teenagers aged, 16 to 19 had jobs in late 2009, according to the U.S. Census Bureau data, this figure is at a record low since they began to keep statistics in 1948.

Employment counts the number of people with a job as a percentage of the entire work force. In December 2009, the unemployment rate was 10 percent and did not include people who felt so discouraged they stopped looking for work; they now rely on social security and whatever is left of medical care.

How can one even dream of starting a family when income has such a dangerous effect on joblessness? Take for example, Illinois where only 13 percent of low-income black teenagers held a job in 2008 compared with 48 percent of more affluent white, non-Hispanic teens. I am afraid that even distributing packs of Fair & Lovely cream amongst the coloured Americans will not do the trick.

People in the East, who still dream of making it in America, do not realize all this. Young minds who wish to study there, find jobs and dream of finally marrying a fair-skinned American virgin (just for the sake of argument, assume there is after all such a thing as ‘an all American virgin’), do not care how rampant joblessness is among high school dropouts aged 16 to 24.

If you think today is bad, wait until tomorrow when it gets worse. The young Americans neither are in school nor hold jobs that pay for nourishing American snacks such as Coca Cola and oversized bags of popcorn.

The Paris Stiletto Race

They say, ‘Paris is a city of lovers’; let no lover ever doubt that women are not shoe addicts.

They also say that heaven is underneath a mother’s feet. And as Pakistani comedian Munawar Zareef taunted in a movie, “Mother, you don’t even have slippers under your feet, how can you have heaven under them?”

Recently shoe-loving women took part in the National Stiletto Championship on an indoor track in the old stock exchange building in central Paris.

The rules of the new game were not many—in fact, there was only one: each contestant was required to wear heels at least eight centimetres (three inches) high.

The race itself was a simple affair: a three-part relay over 180 metres (yards), won by three young Parisian women who called themselves ‘Les Cocottes Codec’ or ‘The Darling Chicks.

Ninety-six finalists came from all over France to participate in the glamorous challenge, after participating in a series of regional races.

"Walking on heels is no piece of cake. We came up with the idea just two years ago, and this year 400 candidates signed up for the regional races," said Caroline Gentien, who works for the online shoe-sale site that came up with the idea, Sarenza.com.

And the prizes would make George W. (warmonger) Bush so happy: shoes worth 3,000 Euros.

Nearly five hundred supporters turned up at the race and, appropriately, the building was lit up with pink lights for the occasion to welcome thirty-two teams.

The trio, formed by two Londoners and an Australian, who called themselves "Let's get 'em", secured second place; they all currently study at a French university. "Girls with ballet tutus" secured the third position and they wore ballet tutus to match their team name—how women love matching accessories!

Winners of the 2008 edition were a TV journalist, a psychologist, and a lawyer competing under team name "Talk To My Foot (Parle A Mon Pied)".

"We all love shoes and we love having fun," said journalist Dorothee Kristy, 29. "The only training we do is running to catch a train or a bus every day."

Also taking part in the event was stiletto school "Talons Academy", a private business that doles out tips on how to walk in heels without hurting one's back or one's ankles.

"A lot of women love high heels but don't dare wear them," said school founder Marine Aubonnet. "Or else they cheat. They go to a rendezvous in flat shoes and put their stilettos on at the last minute. It's true that it is harder to find your balance on heels."

The trick for the contestants, she said, was "mastering the half-turn. Turning is a key; you have to get it right for each foot. Stilettos is all about technique."

Give Me That Silly Thing

Dear readers:

Contrary to popular belief, I have not left Chowq (the yubb-site) for good; if I leave it, it will be for my own good. I have no real interest in posting my precious material at Chowq—not that I fear the abusers, whom I have always faced bravely and with style.

The real reason is that good readers and casual interacters need a place where they enjoy things without being assailed by Indusian show-offs and hopeless abusers. Most folks on Chowq are decent folks and wish to be left alone.

Chowq has never listened and it is doomed to being deaf and blind to just demands. It bans those who oppose its idiotic policies—thanks to the great American foreign policy. It promotes stupidity, idiocy and mediocrity.

Although my great experiment with Chowq has come to an expected end, I will use that yubb-site in whatever way I deem fit. Chowq’s abusive supporters and its ed-eaters need not waste their time launching campaigns to malign my sincere intentions. But then again, they may do so in order to waste their time.

As for the good readers and my fans (our beloved C3 has become B3), they will get their fill of customary socio-political satire at my own blog: Writer' s Block tgh

Here you may join as FOLLOWERS using your email accounts, and leave posts which will—as is my habit—be answered. If you have suggestions or questions, you may email me at:

writersblocktgh@gmail.com

Assuring you that I will always remain a man, I wish you happiness and success in whatever good you do.

Tahir

And now for the blog...

***

Give Me That Silly Thing

How many bare necessities can one possibly own in a lifetime? As a wise man once pointed out, ‘If you could buy all the things in the world, where would you keep them?’ We too have our share of wise men in Pakistan. One of them may be (I said ‘maybe’) Chaudhry Abdul Ghafoor, the Punjab provincial minister for commerce, investment and prisons.

Last Wednesday he very generously allowed us to benefit from his faulty opinion (‘naakaara aur naakis rai’) through this ghastly suggestion: ‘Ban the use of mobile phones; only government officials and other privileged people should be allowed to use cell phones.’

This pearl of wisdom can emerge not from a mother of pearl but the mouth of a man unconnected with letters and one who is directly associated with our glorious prison system, where all kinds of creatures remain incarcerated and cut off from the real world.

I think it is the government officials who must not be allowed the privilege of using cell phones. On the contrary, all citizens must have these handy devices so that they may openly report to whoever they consider it necessary to report, the suspicious meetings of our politicians with foreign agents who often come to seal secret deals with their local cronies. This is the only way the crooks will stop selling Pakistan off for a song to foreign bidders.

Ghafoor said that ‘on one hand, Pakistan was considered to be a poverty-hit nation, yet on the other hand, even men on bicycles were using mobile phones’.

What does Ghafoor mean by that statement? Well, nothing at all—as is the case with all political statements. Riding a bicycle is infinitely better than going off to fly a kite. With or without cell phones, the poor remain connected and get on with their lives despite all the government interference. The influential bureaucrats, by contrast, zoom by common folks in unstoppable official cars and security escorts; why should they not be seen as wasting Pakistan’s resources? As Ali ibn Abi Talib (may Allah be pleased with him) said: ‘The poor are hungry because the rich are wasteful.’

Ghafoor said that ‘youngsters were giving billions of rupees to Christian and Jewish franchises through the mobile phone businesses’.

Hallelujah, now this is certainly news for poor young Pakistanis who abhor American intervention and double-dealing on behalf of Zionist Israel. The solution to this problem is to build an all-Islamic internet, launch communications satellites instead of launching bureaucratic careers and get all our money deposits out of foreign financial institutions—the last choice being the most painful for our corrupt elites.

Ghafoor further said that ‘mobile phones should only be with people of special status, primarily a select group of government officials. On Tuesday, the Punjab Assembly unanimously passed a resolution banning late night packages offered by mobile networks at cheap rates, in order to maintain moral and social values in the society and to prevent vice’.

Each painful day spent without sufficient electricity and food can only be forgotten if one spends the entire night happily talking to one’s beloved to benefit from cheap cell-phone ‘talk packages’.

I am glad that Ghafoor did not demand the ‘special status’ for people of his ilk who are, in any case, equipped with twelve horns on their forehead. And if he secretly did, then he certainly has more of the same on his own forehead and needs to be transferred, with immediate effect, from the prisons’ department to the one responsible for administering the Lahore zoo.

The Punjab Assembly has lost its vision—not that it had any of it to begin with. Nothing is shocking anymore, and it is pure comedy to hear the legislators ask for a ‘special status’ when they are unable to solve the problems assailing the common man. What our ‘special status’ people truly deserve in public is what George Warmonger Bush got from a brave Iraqi journalist in Baghdad.

That Wonderful Thing

"That awful thing, a woman's memory!"—Oscar Wilde

As if research done on singer Shania ‘shunno’ Twain’s (see: http://chowk.com/ilogs/75595/30139) perfect facial features was not enough—a study conducted at Stanford University in California has found that women use more parts of the brain than men to process jokes and have less expectation that they will find them funny. Probably this was what the famous wit meant when he wrote the aphorism in ‘A Picture Of Dorian Gray’ and which I have placed at the head of this article.

Even before I read Oscar Wilde, I always suspected there were more moving parts inside a female head than my own—science has now caught up with my suspiscions. A keen observor of both natural and supernatural phenomena, looking at women convinced me long ago that her active imagination never slept and that she could even recall in an instant—given half a chance—not the virtues but the sins committed by her man’s family, reaching back at least seven generations.

More moving parts mean more maintenance, spares related problems and factory recalls, just as fewer parts may result in greater forward momentum, and which explains why the minds of most men resemble a speeding steam engine heading in one direction on a narrow gauge railway track.

I certainly have no objection if women take whatever extra time it takes to understand my jokes but one thing is certain, they derive infinitely more pleasure of the prohinted bore from a decent punch line—or rather what is in between the lines—compared to their male counterparts. This has now been confirmed by the new study at Stanford.

The research, aimed at unravelling the mystery of how our sense of humour works, suggests that women prefer more sophisticated humour and use more complex brain functions to process it. In my most private moments I do rejoice in the fact that the authorities have not imposed a tax after declaring women baby production units that employ no staff to run their minds.

The Stanford research says that women participants of the study took slightly longer to react to jokes that were funny, but enjoyed the punchlines more—although the time difference was marginal.

Now how can one gauge the level of sophistication of female circuitry? I for one have neither measured the facial features of my female loved ones with a vernier caliper nor measured with a stopwatch how many extra nanoseconds they take to laugh either at me or with me.

Looking at any female loved one within the family, I always wonder why God put more wiring inside a head that appears physically smaller than my own—my own being well-proportioned and preganant with ideas. Of course, the most important women in my life tell me all the time—usually when I am asleep and can hear no more—that I am well-mannered and extremely witty.

“Men show more activation of nucleus accumbens (the part of the brain involved in reward and pleasure), indicating they expect to get the joke but when they don’t they get more depressed,” said one of the researchers.

Nucleus accumbens what?