Saturday, 25 June 2011

Hotel California (Hotel Abbotabadia)

On 2 May 2011, America again fooled the entire world with news we knew were untrue; that of Osama bin Laden’s state-sponsored assassination at the hands of CIA’s hit squad which violated Pakistan’s airspace to conduct its unintelligent business.

Just like Pearl Harbour and 9/11, the clandestine operation at Abbotabad too begs for answers which, I assure you, we will never get from the MIC (military industrial complex). You see, major charges trumped up against OBL were dropped once the thirst of the American public for ‘enemy blood’ was quenched and Obama’s flagging popularity at home received a shot in the arm.

As of this writing, they are busy doctoring OBL’s pictures, much like those moon landing photographs of 1969 which had so many inconsistencies that NASA never bothered satisfactorily explaining to the sceptics. But people will believe in anything the spin doctors working for the lying governments throw at them. My life is simple; I treat official truth in my patent-pending way: by laughing at it aloud while rolling on the floor.

Many years ago, when I first heard the Eagles’ global hit ‘Hotel California’ (Grammy winner for best record of the year), I was bowled over not only by the fine musicianship and immaculate production standards of this country-rock outfit but also by their writing ability as evidenced in other songs from the album of the same name.

Back then the lyrics seemed to talk about a fancy hotel with a unique policy: ‘you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave’. Now, who in his youth would not wish to land at such a fortunate spot? Many of my friends took things quite literally, crossed the Atlantic to live the American dream, and got themselves blonde wives who home-delivered to them two things: great matrimonial grief and confused children. Years later, most men from the same group returned to Pakistan quite empty-handed in every sense of the word. Their American wet dream had dried up.

Repeated playbacks of ‘Hotel California’ caused my chrome cassette tape emulsion to nearly wear out but it finally dawned upon me that while to the casual listener ‘Hotel California’ represented a tale of a road-wearied man entrapped in a terrifying but appealing lavish hotel, in reality it symbolized the destructive pleasure-seeking culture of America. Justifiably, Don Henley (singer, songwriter, drummer of the Eagles) called it ‘our interpretation of the high life in Los Angeles’ and ‘a song about the dark underbelly of the American dream and about excess in America, which is something we knew a lot about.’
Anton LaVey, a Satanist, in the balcony

Little did I realize back then that years later, none other than the ‘most wanted terrorist in the world’, Osama bin Laden, would check into a house in Abbotabad (Pakistan) in a manner which would attract the attention of seals that the American navy would not want inside Lahore zoo’s pond.

The entire world’s focus was quickly diverted—away from failing capitalism and bankrupting economies—towards a defiant Arab from the royal family of Saudi Arabia. We were told that Pakistan’s army knew about OBL’s opulent accommodation right next to its military academy and that some Islamist sympathizers had made sure he evaded detection by the CIA.

Then we were shown video footage of a huge compound being strafed and raided by the US navy commandos who returned, after completing the ‘successful mission’, back to Afghanistan with a unique trophy: OBL’s dead body which they later buried in a novel way into an unknown sea. I believe the Arab did not go to the bottom of the Arabian Sea.

The roach motel they showed us did not have bullet marks or shattered windows, the neighbours told conflicting stories about how the stealth helicopter was intentionally shot down to make it appear as if a great battle between the American attackers and al-CIAda (note my spellings) had taken place. The media kept humming the tune that the White Washed House of Washing Town composed for them, and the US and her allies kept making excuses for not bringing OBL’s body home for burial with full military dishonour.

It is politically correct to believe that OBL, along with his rather large family checked into a luxury villa in Abbotabad and remained there undetected and quite in control of al-CIAda for five long years without being tracked by those who could not track the 9/11 jet airliners flying about in the most protected airspace in the world. And since OBL was such an able man, by Allah, he deserves to be remembered as a tired traveller in my parody called Hotel Abbotabadia.

OBL was not from Abbotabad and probably never lived there. The Eagles’ too were not from California but they successfully captured in a song what ran through their minds as they drove around Los Angeles at night to review their broken Hollywood dreams.

I am not from Abbotabad but years ago I spent a few days in a house on the slopes overlooking the PMA (Pakistan Military Academy). Much like the Eagles, I too have been able to capture the spirit of that fateful night in my parody. What I mean by certain words, phrases and names used in my parody is up to the reader to find out.

In Chicago, many people called Cook County jail ‘Hotel California’ because it is on California Street. In an interview, Eagles’ Don Henley was asked to explain why he sang the following lines when he knew that wine was not a distilled spirit but rather a fermented alcoholic drink:

So I called up the captain / Please bring me my wine / He said, “We haven't had that spirit here since 1969.”
The Beverly Hills Hotel (Sunset Boulevard, LA)

Henley replied, "Thanks for the tutorial and, no, you're not the first to bring this to my attention—and you're not the first to completely misinterpret the lyric and miss the metaphor. Believe me; I've consumed enough alcoholic beverages in my time to know how they are made and what the proper nomenclature is. But that line in the song has little or nothing to do with alcoholic beverages. It's a socio-political statement. My only regret would be having to explain it in detail to you, which would defeat the purpose of using literary devices in song-writing and lower the discussion to some silly and irrelevant argument about chemical processes.”

The text of my parody appeared to me in a dream in which I saw terrifying commandos marching to the tune of a famous song. The icing on the cake was that instead of the Eagles, it was a military brass band that played ‘Hotel California’. And God, it sounded very soldierly.

I dedicate Hotel Abbotabadia to those who turn a blind eye to universal American aggression, do not mind NATO’s involvement, do not clobber the UN Security Council for acting like a poodle, and to those who arm the extremists and support Pakistani establishment’s collusion in this utterly useless global war of error (G-WOE) being waged in our continent. The original Hotel California (for those who are new to this classic cut):


Please click on the karaoke track of Hotel California and sing along the following lyrics for maximum pleasure:
 

Hotel Abbotabadia

VERSE:
Said a Pak desi, "Hai oye,
Colonel Rind has no hair!”
Bomb-scare and militias
Climbing up through the stairs
Up ahead was resistance, I saw a bearded delight
The lads got angry ‘cause at night we pimped
One more puff, chilled Bud light
There he stood in the stairway
I heard the Colonel yell
“And he’s limping, that’s OBL
Langley’s agent of neo-con hell!”
Then he bit off my handle
And he shoved me away
There were khakis down on second floor
Beards shouted, “God’s great!”

CHORUS:
Hell comes to the Intel Abbotabadia
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Such a lonely base
Plenty of boom at the Intel Abbotabadia
Any time, O yaar (any time, O yaar)
Find your copter here

VERSE:
Radar is stealthily busted
We got the Pentagon’s pants
We got a lot of pretty witty boys, that we call 'friends'
Its a trance in the bomb yard
Sweet C4 pets
Some plan to dismember
Some plan pious bets
So I hauled up the captain,
“Please bring me my Wyne”
He said, "We haven't had that idiot here since M. Ayub Khan's time!"
Be still our bosses are flying out from Ghan base
Shake you up in the middle of the night
Must you say your prayers?

CHORUS:
Hell comes to the Intel Abbotabadia
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Such a lonely base
They lovin' it all at the Intel Abbotabadia
Want a nicer prize? (want a nicer prize?)
Bring your Ali bhais

VERSE:
Choppers on the ceiling
A sting campaign and lies
And he says, "We're all just pensioners here since Gitmo is not that nice"
And in the oval chambers they gather up to meet
They back it with their lying eyes, throw the dust in eyes of khakis
The last thing I remember, Dick was running like a whore
I had to plant fake evidence, get my rear back to the shore
"Relax", said the Gates-man, “We're programmed to deceive
You can poo anywhere you like, but you can never pee."

Guitar LEAD:
TeeoN teeoN teeoN teeoN teeeeooooo ooooN...
Tooo...ooon...ooon...ooon...ooon...ooo...aannn...(until fade)

©Tahir Gul Hasan 2011 Under no circumstances must anyone use my parody for a musical performance or recording in any medium. Violators will be fully prostituted.
Photo credits:
http://uk.ask.com/wiki/Hotel_California
http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/False%20Religions/Wicca%20&%20Witchcraft/anton_lavey2.htm
http://www.nevermindthebuspass.com/happiness-archive/classic-album-covers/classic-album-covers-hotel-california-the-eagles/
 

24 comments:

  1. hmmm....I really admire your "TALENT"....

    Sure the post gives me pleasure...

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  2. My dream dried up immediately as the nostalgia wore off. It's a dirty place that makes me want to take my clothes (veil) & go home.

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  3. THINKING...hmmmm...thanks but how exactly do you admire my talent? By simply saying that you do or by some other means that give greater strength to my website? :)

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  4. SA, you can't be serious! I want a full report on this by tomorrow morning. :))

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  5. How can just a bunch of people so ruthlessly fool the whole world?

    "The entire world’s focus was quickly diverted—away from failing capitalism and bankrupting economies—" --> its that simple and yet so dangerously blinded are we all..

    The parody is great fun as usual. I lurrrrve the warning in fine print.

    Loved it.

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  6. Thank you anonymous but do you have a real name?
    And what warning in fine print? :))

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  7. Keep writing and keep making the world think...

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  8. "©Tahir Gul Hasan 2011
    Under no circumstances must anyone use my parody for a musical performance or recording in any medium. Violators will be fully prostituted."---->This one

    ... And of course I have a name!! :) I guess using a cell phone to comment finally keeps you anonymous. Cool in'it?

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  9. JB, thanks for your detail review of this piece. How were you able to pour so much into one sentence? :))

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  10. Oh, that might have been my very naughty secretary inserting that warning at the end!
    Anonymous, you can run but you can't hide! :))

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  11. Yea... Let's see if you can catch me. And no one can be naughtier than you.

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  12. Enjoyable! I love the original song by Eagles, your parody today gave me laughter, joy and sorrow:(

    Laughter; because its hilarious!
    Joy; because I read it in the morning & it made my day
    Sorrow; a reminder came to me of how incompetence and corruption have led our country to become a toy for the world to play!

    I like the background of OBL and his capture by the Brave Knights; the Clapping Seals!

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  13. Anonymous, you sound like you're from Lahore. I just don't have the time to catch any more of you! :))

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  14. Very kind of you to comment here, Mrs. Khan.

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  15. lol, welcome Mr. Tahir G Hasan

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  16. very interesting blog......some with pun.....very nice...i had a list of questions which were not answered by Nasa...i had written in my school diary......and it was appreciated....by so many...one of them was...how come shadow is there of the astronauts..on the moon..and few others too ..any way.....we do not have leaders with heart.....no where.....but only with big pockets

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  17. Nice of you to drop by, Raj jee!
    Not only shadows, but three shadows in those Hollywood perfect shots! Then cross-hairs of the camera appearing BEHIND certain objects. Too much needs to be explained! :))

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  18. The bottom line is Pakistan is corrupt!!
    Let's not brush that under the rug. The MQM were threatening to kidnap my nephew until we paid them money.

    Yes, we've all heard about conspiracy theories re. the moon landing and what not.

    However, the sad 'fact' is that we have had several corrupt leaders that have run the country to the ground. We can't keep blaming everything on America or whatever.
    They are a super power. They will do whatever it takes to protect their own interests. Whether taking the whole world for a ride or whatever..

    What has our country done for us. Politicians come into power. They loot the country, build elaborate houses all over the world and keep looting the country and we can't seem to do anything about it.

    Read this beautiful article recently published on the Herald Tribune.

    http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/6645/riaz-wanted-to-learn-english/

    This is what our kids need.. some love and guidance. Shit happens all over the world. We need to sort ours first..

    Warm Regards,
    Lynette

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  19. Hope you don't mind me posting this here.
    I'm just so tired of hearing people talk about America this and America that!!..
    I'm not condoning what America does but I do think it's about time our country steps up and deal with the more serious issues within.

    Best Regards,
    Lynette

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  20. No Lynette, I don't mind the aggressive Green Cardigans (my term for Green Card holders) who defend every illegal move that Umreeka makes. They think we and God don't watch them!
    I don't criticize their gore-mint because it's fashionable or that I don't have anything else to write about. If you read my parody carefully, you'll hear me clobbering our side as well.
    It takes two to tango. We have trojans (Judas) amongst who are on the payroll of our past masters.
    Anybody who thinks that nobody's trying to destabilize us is living in a fool's paradise. I do regret that good people are being driven away from Pakistan but then THIS too is a planned thing. Doesn't Jesus' struggle give you any inspiration. He fought the system all the way through!
    It's the job of deceitful politicians and DICK-tators to deride peoples' discoveries as 'conspiracy theories'.
    I have years of experience watching the events unfold and trust me, one cannot find out the truth by attending sponsored debates and seminars. These things are an eyewash and the news need to be read on alternate news' websites.
    Thanks for dropping by. You didn't tell me which lines you liked best or whether you understood it all.
    Never forget where you came from, no matter where you live! :)

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  21. Btw. I'm not a green card holder..
    Thank God for that..
    Don't want it and don't want the passport either.. :)

    I come from a family of travellers that were not originally from Pakistan but I have treated that country like my own.

    However, I have worked for many voluntary projects within the country and there is corruption at every level.. from the top right to the bottom. There are good people out there no doubt!! and they certainly outweigh the corrupt but the corruption makes it so damn tough for the good especially the 'poor' and 'middle class' to survive.

    Yes!! America has been a pain in the ass to many and I agree with you. But let's not use that as an excuse for our corruption and tackle the issues that lie within our country. What Pakistan needs is a Revolution!!

    With that I shall love you and leave you..

    God Bless Pakistan.. and I mean it from my heart.. I shall be in Khi in a few days..

    Best Regards,
    Lynette

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  22. Tahir,
    Definitely not disregarding your parody..
    You are brilliant..

    You cannot imagine how much I want things to change in Pakistan and we are not the only ones who feel this way. We are living away from Pk therefore we do not realize how difficult it is for the average middle class family. Prices have sky rocketed, robberies are taking place left right and center and in broad day light. My brother has been robbed thrice at gun point. People living in the lap of luxury in Defence don't know what the average man is going through.

    Lynette

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  23. Okay Lynette, the gypsy lady, I'm happy to learn you're NOT a Green Cardigan!
    Thanks for pouring your heart out; the heartless ones are very careful on my blog, lest they be found out as hypocrites!
    We want people like yourself back here to help tame this 'corrupt' beast. Corruption exists EVERYWHERE but it is disguised and looks fine if 'gora sahib' does it with style. Fist-fights even take place in the Korean parliament!
    Crime happens everywhere; look at school shootings in Umreeka, child pornography scandals in the west, incest and the rest of it. Nobody leaves those places but instead FIGHTS back and helps change things.
    We need to make the same effort HERE. I touch upon subjects that even professional journalists wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole!
    We don't want a bloody revolution which some forces would love to sponsor here.
    God bless you for wishing this country well. Of course, good people always run into one another; we will too one day!
    Rest assured, that even people living in big houses are fed up, not everyone wants to escape and mow his own lawn or toilet abroad!
    Regards.

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  24. ADNAN ZAKA, via email:
    I read the your blog with Hotel California, it was interesting. It was hard to resisit to not to comment on it as it brings alot of memories back. I tried to comment it but when I went back to the blog it did not accept it. So, wierd.
    Anyways, in our days Eagles was a great band and I guess we all enjoyed listening than and even now. I hope you and family are doing fine. Take care. :)

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