Tour De France 2021 - Al-Bakistani Style

A few years ago, I took to cycling like a possessed man and regained considerable strength and stamina. As a bonus, cycling rid me of daydreaming and helped focus on plans worth pursuing. Speaking of dreams, I had an entertaining dream recently, which I promptly turned into an article for your pleasure.

Once upon a dream

My dream started from 712 A.D. I saw a teenaged Bin Casem laying the foundation stone of al-Bakistan.

The vision then suddenly flash-forwarded to mid twentieth century, depicting what seemed like the end of the world. The widely-advertised Ghazwa-e-Hind was in full swing. I saw flying beings attired in green night-suits, nuking a derelict Indian village on al-Bakistan's behalf.

Our side fired a few GORI miss-isles but nobody in the enemy camp entered Naraka. The enemy fired a few more PRETTY-V anti-GORI miss-isles but none here embraced mortar-dumb. This kept millions of acres of heavenly real estate non-allotted and thus saved the government truckloads of medals and earthly plots.

When that ‘fifth-generation high-bred warfare’ decelerated to an abrupt end, all of Cash-Mir skid out of Hindu clutches, braked at our feet, and then rapidly developed into a humungous housing society of a defensive type.

I saw our Cricketer Cahn speak with the French to allow al-Bakistan’s team to compete in the Tour de France bicycle race in 2021. Carelessly Cahn blew a flying kiss at Macaroni but it inadvertently hit the elderly Mrs. Macaroni to cause an embarrassing moment in the history of foreign fallacy.

Macaroni gladly agreed and declared al-Bakistan a ‘brother country’—thanks to our Cahn who had already warned him, “Oye, look here, Macaroni yaar, keep it brotherly; no need to drag a sister into all this. Life is like an export quality sewing machine; a stitch in time saves nine.”

As a gesture of good ill, Cahn declared down-and-out Karachi as the twin city of Paris. Which part of Paris, you ask? Why of course, her most impoverished part, perhaps the network of underground tunnels and the catacombs.

With the publication of allegedly ‘derogatory cartoons’ and the news of a French teacher’s beheading almost forgotten, the relations of the two estranged countries returned to traditional cordiality. Not only did our team participate in the Tour de France (TDF) in July 2021, it won the most exciting bicycle race on the planet since 1903.

Meat, our team

Tour de France meant tour of France but since I was dreaming in Punjabi, I recall we called it France da tour. There was competition between French women with their adorable oui (pronounced wee, meaning yes) and Punjabi women with their habitual ooee (meaning ouch). Some anthropologists jumped in to opine that the French and the Punjabi women were prehistoric girlfriends.

Our cycling team’s captain was Professor Doctor Lama Zahirul Padri (‘pedo’ for short), who helped the team secure first position in the General Classification of the TDF.

The Team Emi-Rates finished second. The race commentators had great difficulty pronouncing their team captain’s full name: Shahzada Bandar bin Mazloom al-Katari. Much to the delight of the fans, our own race-ist commentators referred to him as either Baandar or Katri Shahzada.

Opportunity needs preparation

We had been daydreaming about winning the TDF race since 1947 (or perhaps 712 A.D.) when we obtained a huge housing society from the lovers of fish and chips (the Brits). Later we gifted the wet half of the real estate to the ones whose staple diet was also fish but with fistfuls of rice (the Bengalis).

Then my dream suddenly began to gallop at ten times the normal speed, during which I saw successive governments facilitating children to ride tricycles in narrow lanes, then bicycles on one-way streets, and finally motorbikes on the wrong sides of the roads. Such self-training and indiscipline required no foreign funding or coaching. With hardly an indoors or outdoors velodrome in existence in al-Bakistan, we took our time preparing for TDF 2021.

The shell-shocked Swiss governing body of international cycling, UCI (Union Cycliste Internationale) noted our training model that resembled our economic model that resembled nothing ever witnessed by man on planet earth. They feared our potential of taking over Switzerland’s watchmaking, secretive banking, chocolate production and cheese making industries. The UCI caved in to all our demands while trembling at the mere thought of seeing a terrible unshaven man, wearing a boom-boom jacket to give a blow-up job in the Swiss Alps.

We sent two riders: one from the barren ‘Agricultural Department’ and the other from WHOP-DA. The former was also a trained pizza deliveryman while the latter an expert at supplying cheap electricity at off-peak hours in dreams.

At a certain point, Journal Zee Owl Heck hijacked my democratic dream in a most militant manner. That patron saint of cycling smilingly launched a thousand stinger missiles from Ojhri (Rawalpindi) and then calmly cycled to the Presidency, followed by official peddlers.

To know more about the Ojhri tragedy, visit the following links:

Remembering the Ojhri Camp Blast
Ojhri Camp Incident in Pakistan 1988
Rare footage of Ojhri Camp Incident (1988)

Designer apparel

Cycling required standardized apparel but Zee Owl ordered public flogging for those found wearing padded-cycling shorts to show hairy legs. He issued an ordinance permitting only modest shalwar-qameez. He banned clipless pedals and cycling shoes, and ordered a Kohati cobbler (far away from Kohat) to make Peshawari chappals with thick soles made out of discarded tire-rubber.

As helmets, he thought of Sin-D caps (with small circular mirrors woven into them) to placate the Sin-Dees, Turkish caps to attract Erdogan, Arab keffiyeh to play ball with the Oily Sheikhs, starched bombproof turbans to please the far right-wingers, but finally selected steel-reinforced mullah caps.

The government decided to import bikes from Italy because the ‘leetal sitar’ of al-Bakistani bicycle manufacturing ceased to ‘tweenkle tweenkle’ long ago. When the selected Italian manufacturer asked, “Scusi, according to which standards shall we manufacture your bikes?” we insisted, “Al-Bakistani standards”, meaning, no standards at all.

Check out the 2021 Tour de France Bikes

Al-Bakistani methodology

Our team initially wanted to compete with just one cyclist. When the organizers questioned this folly, we explained, “One Almighty, therefore one cyclist. Allahu Akbar! Any objection?"

The organizers tried convincing us with logic: “Look, the Hindus have thousands of gods, each with multiple limbs. They even have shapely and multi-talented goddesses but their team doesn't have thousands of cyclists!”

The officials clarified, “Anyone shouting Allahu Akbar could be considered a terrorist, fined heavily or shot on sight!”

It was only after our team selectors clicked on the following links to get a reality check that he complied with the rules:

Swiss Muslim fined £178 for saying ‘Allahu akbar’
Man fined 210 Swiss francs for saying 'Allahu akbar'
Venice mayor: Anyone shouting 'Allahu akbar' in St Mark's Square will be shot

Competitors such as the Indian and the Israel Start-Up Nation cycling teams posed serious security risks to our team. To outdo their teams' support vehicles we demanded a battle-ready Hummer and civilian commandos wearing al-Baba John's T-shirts with the slogan: There is such a thing as a free launch. Of course, we were refused permission.

Doping test

At the arrivals, the EU Customs staff found naswar on the person of 'pedo' (our team captain) who insisted, “The future is green. Besides, this is the fun thing used in northern al-Bakistan.”

Upon subjecting naswar to a comprehensive chemical analysis, the French found in it 20% sectarian oxide, 10% terror sulphate, 30% racial nitrate, 20% bigotry silicate, and 20% militancy carbonate. Surprisingly, the hosts ignored this find.

Special food and drinks 

Other TDF cyclists wore traditional jerseys with three rear pockets in which they stored energy bars to gain lost energy during non-stop rides. Al-Bakistani boys decided they would have pockets on the fronts of their shalwar qameez suits to stuff in them packs of nihari, seekh kababs, biryani, haleem, and naan bread.

I saw our team members dismount from their horses or camels (I mean bikes), spread a large peek-neek rumaal  (picnic cloth) by the roadside, and have mid-race meals. Knocked senseless by the spicy aroma, western cyclists too began clamouring for al-Bakistani food. When an Indian cyclist shouted, “Don’t get fooled; Paki food is actually Indy food!” a violent kussun-mukki (Punjabi fistfight) erupted.

The French Customs had already allowed cyclists from the Indian sub-continent to bring in chewable 'leaves' (betel leaf or paan) and 'stones' (betel nuts). The global television audiences were aghast seeing these cyclists eject massive projectiles of reddish sputum that landed on competing cyclists and the spectators who lined the route.

A public affair

I will leave my dream alone for a moment to provide some facts about the TDF.

The TDF’s nickname, La Grande Boucle, translates to ‘big loop’. This is the equivalent of Formula 1 car racing but for cycling.

Nothing displays the French passion more than the TDF which is a two weeks long international event held every July. Because it is a ticketless affair open to all, spectators flock to the streets, hand goody-bags to the cyclists, and encourage them to win. Women refuse to stay at home to cook, and children get off days from school.

Film-crew in helicopters and motorcycle-riding camera teams shoot the entire race from interesting angles. The global audiences get to appreciate the amazing natural beauty of not only the French countryside but also of several neighbouring countries.

The race comprises of twenty or more stages, each anywhere from 40-400 Km long. The longest route ever recorded spanned 5,744 Km (3,570 miles). Each city through which the cyclists pass, attempts to outdo one another in providing better facilities.

Every competing team has a support vehicle with a qualified bike mechanic and a doctor. They follow riders to tackle mechanical problems and, when needed, provide spare bikes which are mounted over the roofs of the cars. Bicycle pileups and crashes occur on a daily basis but the trained mechanics are able to fix things within seconds so that the riders do not lose precious time.

Each bike is a custom bike costing anywhere from $10,000 to $20,000, and is fitted to exacting standards and the demands of each cyclist. No bike can be more than 6.8 Kgs, as per the UCI rule. Currently, the frame material of choice is carbon fibre, while 

Shimano, Campagnolo or SRAM provide the group-sets (brakes, cranks, shifters etc.).

Every cyclist wears a chest-mounted heart-rate monitor for the pulse to be visible on a small cycling computer mounted on the handlebar. The screen also shows speed, RPM, distance, route and more. Team directors remain aware of mechanical and physiological conditions of their respective team riders.

Here are some interesting statistics from the TDF 2014:

Cyclists burned a combined 19.8 million calories (each burning 100,000 calories).

You may laugh at the last arrangement because when an al-Bakistanii VVIP moves in Riasat-e-Medina, he may have as many men around at State expense.

Yellow jersey

Traditionally, the TDF always rewards colourful jerseys to winners of each stage.

As the cyclists pedal through the plains and mountainous terrain, the race tests their stamina and tactics. 

The coveted prize in cycling is the famous yellow jersey (maillot jaune) of the Tour de France. It is the awarded to the overall winner and worn by the current race leader at the start of each stage.

The newspaper owner of L’Auto (today L’Equipe) Henri Desgrange was also the race founder. He printed his newspaper on yellow paper and that is why he chose the yellow jersey so that fans could clearly spot the rider in charge.

Green jersey – best sprinter

The green jersey is the prestigious prize given to the best sprinter in the Tour. The fastest riders compete for the biggest points at the end of flat stages and smaller points during intermediate sprints.

Polka dot jersey – King of the Mountains

To the rider who earns the most King of the Mountains points, they award a jersey almost as famous as the yellow one: red polka dots on a white base jersey.

The riders earn the points along the way by being the first to the top of categorized climbs – the more severe the climb, the greater the points. The first to win both the polka dot jersey and the yellow jersey was the great Eddy Merckx in 1970.

White jersey – best young rider

The highest placed rider, aged 24 or younger on the first day of the year, gets the white jersey. They introduced the jersey in 1975, before a 10-year hiatus in the 90s, but returned in the 21st century.

Back to the dream now.

Al-Bakistani cyclists displayed no concern for jerseys and instead asked for yellow, green or polka dotted kurtas. While on the podium, they shook hands with the French girls who stood on either side of the winning riders.

Tour de France Winners Every Year (1903-2020)
Why Mark Cavendish Is The Greatest Sprinter In History

Pedestal and ceiling fans

There was no shortage of al-Bakistani fans lining the route—present courtesy of our political parties who wished to show the world their party flags. In the spirit of one-upmanship, our fans cheered for our team and jeered at others. They also handed over to our cyclists, talisman for protection against Satan who, they suspected, wore a black jersey of invisibility but nothing below the waist.

The start

The race began with a bit of misfortune; the straps of our cyclists’ Peshawari chappals entangled in the front derailleurs of the bicycles.

Throughout the 3,414 kilometres long race, al-Bakistanis took long breaks of a devotional nature. Whenever the cyclists dismounted the bikes, which they affectionately called horses or camels, the peloton (group) of 174 cyclists did the same out of respect. The faithful faced Arabia but the unfaithful quietly thought of the steely Eiffel Tower under whose shadow the TDF would terminate.

Time trial

For this sub-50 kilometres race stage, other cyclists pedalled as hard as they could but our boys turned up with a smart a lawyer who thought ‘time trial’ meant standing trial in a court of law to serve time.

The mountain stages

Our team did rather well in these stages; the riders broke several records of making mountains out of molehills.

Picnicking all the way

Our 2-man team pedalled the bicycles very hard since there was nothing else to pedal without bookies. They spent the hardest moments of the race chatting while pedalling, giving one another high-fives, laughing out aloud (LOL), sometimes rolling on the grass laughing (ROGL).

No rest for the wicked

The TDF cyclists’ tough routine of pedalling an average of 160 Km for three to five hours daily required having off days to recover lost energy and repair muscle damage. Because an average cyclist daily burned 4,000 calories, his nutritional requirements were phenomenal.

Our team started each day with pre-sunrise congregations of a prayerful nature, followed by no holds barred consumption of halwa-puri and a huge glass of sweet lassi. After a rather long catnap, they applied Hashmi surma in their eyes before donning cycling eyewear and returned to pedalling ferociously.

For lunch, the team preferred chicken or mutton karahi, sometimes gurda-kapoora and maghaz kata-kat or chapali kabab, roghni naan, raita, salad, and inevitably firni. The choices remained the same for dinner.

The middle

At stage 15 of the race, the al-Bakistanis were way behind the Emi-rates and the Israeli teams. From stage 16 onward, the power of a taweez (talisman) propelled our riders as if heavenly hosts in green TDF jerseys pushed their pedals.

The finish

By the grace of the Creator and Lahore’s Data Ganj Bakhsh, by the time our cyclists reached the finish line of Parisian Champs-Élysées, their chains and pedals were broken, the rims deformed, and the brake pads worn out. When they remained unstoppable even after having crossed the finish line, the French police served them with a stop and desist order.

Apart from the cash prize, each stage-winner got a stuffed lion (the traditional race mascot) but our cyclists were in no mood to accept it because it was the election symbol of civilian Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif who was de-selected by the 'selectors' of the motherland.

Read: Tour De France Prize Money 2021: How Much Do Winners Get?

Celebrations

After winning the TDF 2021, al-Bakistanis at home went totally berserk (or Barzakh). They distributed sweets, burned old tires, created roadblocks, kicked ATMs, overturned cargo containers, and mocked the Law out of habits developed over decades of peaceful coexistence with the neighbouring countries.

Some from the unfaithful who occupied the second and the third winning spots on the podium let out jets of champagne from oversized bottles. Our faithful riders tried the same with bottles of Rooh Afza but failed to create drama.

The victory party must have been something but I was unable to witness it because a clock alarm woke me up.

© Tahir Gul Hasan, 2021

DISCLAIMER

The author has not attempted to deride the dead or the dying supposedly depicted in this article. No statement of the author need be misconstrued insulting any person who should have protected his reputation and that of the country he promised to serve faithfully but did not. No draconian law designed to choke freedom of expression need trigger a lawsuit against the author. Uttering vile threats in person or in cyber space are an exercise in futility; those who wish to argue with the author may do so in a courteous manner in the comments section of this blog.