Friday, 30 September 2011

Kiss Of The Unveiled Spider-Woman

Who, if not the inventive miniaturization-loving Japanese, could have thought of sending kisses across cyberspace using one’s tongue? Welcome to the digital age in which everything must be digitized, stored, altered, sent, received, recycled in a bin and finally emptied to make more room for more trash.

But first, some kiss history. The word came from Old English cyssan ‘to kiss’, which in turn came from coss ‘a kiss’. Kissing is recent development in western culture and is rarely mentioned in Greek literature. It only recently became a social gesture, a sign of refinement of the higher classes. In the east, the same refinement was once seen writ large on the faces of the men who frequented the rooftop dens of ultra-refined dancing girls of affluent Lucknow.

It is believed kissing was quite rare among the lower and semi-civilized races but was firmly established as instinctive in the advanced societies—whatever the word ‘advanced’ means. The kiss seems to have been unknown to the ancient Egyptians, which makes one wonder about the hold of Cleopatra on Marcus Antonius. However, the kiss was well-established in early Greece, Assyria, and India.

Today, science has convinced us by showing us brain scans of people involved in lovely relationships and found that after that first magical meeting, a complex system in the brain is activated which mimics what a person experiences when under the influence of cocaine. In studies of affection between paramours, when the human guinea pigs viewed images of their partners, the reward and motivation systems (in the ventral tegmental area) was found flooded with dopamine, an internal chemical that is released when one undertakes something exciting.

Kissing requires tremendous muscular coordination of 34 facial and 112 postural muscles, the most important one being the kissing muscle (orbicularis oris) which is used to wrinkle the lips. Lips have numerous nerve endings which make them sensitive to touch and bite. And in the case of the French kiss, the tongue plays an important role.

Affection does reduce stress. When kissing was studied in experiments, it was found that an increase in the frequency of kissing in marital and cohabiting relationships resulted in a reduction of perceived stress, an increase in relationship satisfaction, and a lowering of cholesterol levels. One can now better understand why they convinced the masses to consume fewer eggs instead of promoting marathon kissing sessions.

Kissing causes the adrenal glands to release adrenaline and norepinephrine into the blood, which brings on an adrenaline rush that benefits the cardiovascular system. When the heart pumps faster during a passionate kiss, one may burn up to three calories per minute—not that lovers carry with them calorie counters.

Of course, most Christians overemphasize the ‘Jesus is love’ bit and neglect his struggle against sodomy in the God’s temples and usurious practices of the rabbis and derive greater inspiration from the second verse of the song of Solomon 1:2 from the Old Testament:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth
For thy love is better than wine

Medicinal properties and religious inclinations aside, kisses could become the next big business with servers across the world dedicated to nothing but storing the lip-prints and audio signatures of millions of cyber-kissers. When thieves begin to steal famous kisses and the Wall Street bankers sell them to vulnerable investors, the police will appear with not fingerprint experts but rather with kiss-and-tell specialists. And whether its Osama or Obama, everyone kisses, therefore, terrorists at-large and those on Washington’s Capitol Hill will all be caught using only their kiss signatures.

This conspiracy of inventing a contraption capable of ‘getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other’ in cyberspace was hatched in Tokyo's Kajimoto Laboratory. The device allows French kissing over the Internet by flapping the tongue on a plastic straw to make another plastic straw flap remotely on someone else's tongue.

The French, before they started imposing fines on veiled Muslim women, were a polite and tolerant people. The reason they clung for so long to ‘preserving the French habit of kissing ladies' hands was that they believed that a man needed to ‘start somewhere.’ Later they invented French kissing (sucking lips, moving tongues) but today the bitter truth is that a French man can ‘drive safely while kissing a pretty girl because he is unable to give the kiss the attention it deserves.’

The Japanese remote kissing device, a motorized box, resembles a police Breathalyzer used for finding out if a driver is or is not drunk. It converts circular movements of one’s tongue through motors into a kiss that can be felt across the seven seas. I would much rather prefer a kiss that can be felt across one’s entire body.

Now let us look at the Kiss Machine. When one manipulates a plastic tube on one device using the tongue, a computer program stores the movements on a computer and transmits them to another device, causing its tube to move in the mouth of a distant loved one. The inventor actually wishes to rescue long distance relationships with this ‘kiss transmission devices’ (KTD) by transmitting the tactile sensation of kissing from one person to another. The information can be saved and replayed repeatedly.

The researchers seem to realize that most people might not exactly find licking a plastic tube a sensational replacement for the real thing because even the worst kiss comes with a sense of taste, breath noises and plenty of moistness produced by interactive tongues. The inventors aim to re-create all of those wonderful feelings. Will be soon have wet mouse-pads, speakers that make wonderful ‘mmm’ sounds or inflatable dummies to do our bidding? Are we being changed to hide behind our computer screens?

Just as there are full-contact Karate competitions, in the near future we might have full-on person-to-person experience over the Internet. The inventor of the Kiss Machine dreams of having popular entertainers use his device to record kisses that could generate global interest and profit. I do not think all our social ills and financial woes will evaporate once we begin to swipe our tongues over plastic straws.

There are more serious issues such as how might one decide if the person on the other side is experiencing kissing for the first time? In 1948, the Ladies Home Journal insisted that ‘it takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.’

Kisses too, like most other things in life, have been categorized into types such as adolescent, sexual/romantic, non-sexual, affection, religious, peace, respect, friendship, and those shown by the entertainment industry.

Once the Japanese start rolling out from their factories the new clever invention, we will have a new breed of kiss criminals (kissminals), or simple people who get caught in the act by their loved ones. The need of the hour is to start cooking the right excuses immediately, such as: honey I was just improving my tongue’s motor skills; sweetheart I was NOT really kissing another woman but rather just a straw; darling I was going to try this on you once I was finished here; or as Chico Marxsaid, “I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.”

Ladies and gentlemen, in the near future, if you find your spouse innocently tonguing a straw late into the night imagining you might be asleep, consider my simple recipe: don’t argue, don’t destroy the crockery, but firmly plant a kiss on his lips that does not taste like plastic because ‘a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.’

©Tahir Gul Hasan, 2011


  1. Thank you. I'm smoochless...

  2. I think we need to live life in reality... this cyber sex, cyber friends and cyber kissing is getting too weird and anti social. But hey, that's just my opinion!!

  3. Everything needs to be AUNTIE social all over again! :)

  4. I've been thinking about the time i spend online a lot lately and with my circumstances of two little ones and husband overseas. I used to host monthly dinners in my home with 30 to 40 guests, then keep up online between. I miss that interaction. Agree with Jhilmil. There's no substitute for the real thing.

  5. Personal problems aside, tell me where you agree or disagree with what I wrote. :)

  6. A very interesting article, but as said above there's nothing like the real thing. Really would you think the movement of a straw would be the same as a tongue? It is a know fact that kissing produces happy hormones. Very amusing piece of work !!!!

  7. You have deleted me from fb ???? why ?

  8. YKD, everything you ever wanted to know about 'K' but were afraid to ask is right here!
    Thanks for dropping by. :))

  9. Who is this complaining about deletion from FB? I delete people all the time, especially the ones who aren't interested in interacting here. Good luck, whoever you might be...

  10. Youkhs @cyber kiss ! and now its ok if you are not a good kisser in Reality! you can get away with that!! ..btw now this is the level where Information Revolution SUCKS:p and Japanese are Beyond they will start working on it like they worked on Cars..A new model of this Device Every year!!! Wow The thought is interesting..hehehehe

  11. A naughty answer given by a woman, when asked>>>>>How do you feel when a man gives you a flying/virtual kiss???????
    Woman>>>>>>."i hate such LAZY men..."!!!!!
    I rest my case!!! but all said and done , i personally love my mwaahs online or even the flying kisses at that....but , THE DEVICE???????yeeeeuuuuuuu

  12. Thanks for dropping by, Mishilicious!
    Thanks for writing your own mini-article here, Tina!

  13. seems like you like MEGGILICIOUS more!! or its BOOTILICIOUS!?:P

  14. I'm clueless about most things in life.

  15. good for you! Trust me, having clues doesnt help much:-)

  16. From FaceBook, Abaan Parvez:

    "Abaan Parvez How are you doing anyways? I read your article today on kissing... You have done quite a good research. Appreciable!!!"

  17. so, kissing burns 3 calories a minute, huh? so by my calculations, i'd have to spend about 8 hours a day kissing to get to my desired weight. :*

  18. Catty, who wants to shed weight while using one's full weight to push essential matters? In any case, you live in a conservative US state! :)

  19. Quite informative work TGH, bravo!
    I didnt know kissing burnt calories, you have charged me up! I wont even spare my pet cats in burning my

  20. Thanks, Mrs Khan. I always suspected you had a spark in you.

  21. Anonymous. May 25, 2014 at 8:50 AM
    OMG ! Amazingly interesting article with such practical information, which is loaded with natural remedies too. Awesome research done by you.
    Ha ha ha , I like your article.Good read. The past few weeks have been very hectic and busy . Year end work along with loads of assignments were like going through a roller coaster ride, really.
    I feel so relaxed and calmed down after reading your article. I not only enjoyed reading your amusing article but would be trying out a few cures you have mentioned .He he he...
    I have already burnt lot of calories and lost few kilos, for some reason, I don't know why? Thanks a lot for producing and publishing such informative articles :)